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  Subject: Curry - the spice  
  Date: Fri, 27 Oct 2017 08:14:09 -0500  
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  If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's  
    
   no Hope for you.  I was crying by the end.  Note: Please take  
    
   time to read this slowly.  For those of you who have lived in  
    
   Natal, you know how typical this is.  They actually have a Curry  
    
  Cook-off about June/July.  It takes up a major portion of a  
    
   parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB.  
    
    
    
   Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named Frank, who was  
    
   visiting From America.  
    
   Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a  
    
   Curry Cook-off.  The original person called in sick at the last  
    
   moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table  
    
   asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in.  
    
   I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the  
    
   curry wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I  
    
   could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".  
    
    
    
   Here are the scorecard notes from the event:  
    
    
    
   CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY...  
    
   Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.  
    
   Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.  
    
   Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You  
    
   could remove dried paint from your driveway.  Took me two beers  
    
   to put the flames out.  I hope that's the worst one.  These  
    
   people are crazy.  
    
    
    
   CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY...  
    
   Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chili tang.  
    
   Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken  
    
   seriously.  
    
   Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not  
    
   sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off  
    
  two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver!  They  
    
   had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.  
    
    
    
   CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY...  
    
   Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.  
    
   Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chili peppers.  
    
   Judge # 3 -- Call 911. I've located a uraniums pill. My nose  
    
   feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner.  Everyone knows  
    
   the routine by now.  Get me more beer before I ignite.  Barmaid  
    
   pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of  
    
   my chest.  I'm getting pissed from all the beer.  
    
    
    
   CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY...  
    
   Judge # 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice.  
    
   Disappointing.  
    
   Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for  
    
   fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.  
    
   Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was  
    
   unable to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out taste buds?  
    
   Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh  
    
   refills.  That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like  
    
   this nuclear waste I'm eating!  Is chili an aphrodisiac?  
    
    
    
   CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...  
    
   Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly  
    
   ground, adding considerable kick.  Very impressive.  
    
   Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must  
    
   admit the chili peppers make a strong statement.  
    
   Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my  
    
  forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted and four  
    
  people behind me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed  
    
  offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain  
    
  damage.  Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer  
    
  directly on it from the pitcher.  I wonder if I'm burning my  
    
  lips off.  It really pisses me off that the other judges asked  
    
  me to stop screaming.  Screw them.  
    
    
    
  CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY...  
    
  Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good  
    
  balance of spices and peppers.  
    
  Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,  
    
  and garlic.  Superb.  
    
  Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with  
    
  gaseous, sulfuric flames.  I am definitely going to **** myself  
    
  if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.  No one  
    
  seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen.  Can't  
    
     feel my lips anymore.  I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone  
    
  ice-cream.  
    
    
    
  CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY...  
    
  Judge # 1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned  
    
  peppers.  
    
  Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a  
    
  can of chili peppers at the last moment.  (I should take note at  
    
  this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3.  He appears to be  
    
  in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).  
    
  Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,  
    
  and I wouldn't feel a thing.  I've lost sight in one eye, and  
    
  the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt is  
    
  covered with curry which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My  
    
  pants are full of lava to match my shirt.  At least, during the  
    
  autopsy, they'll know what killed me.  I've decided to stop  
    
    breathing- it's too painful.  Screw it; I'm not getting any  
    
   oxygen anyway.  If I need air I'll just suck it in through the  
    
   4-inch hole in my stomach.  
    
    
    
   CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY...  
    
   Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not  
    
   too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.  
    
   Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither  
    
   mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge  
    
   #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down  
    
   on top of himself.  Not sure if he's going to make it.  Poor  
    
   man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?  
    
    
    
    
    
  Ruben D. Figueroa, Owner  
    
  RDFIG Computer Solutions  
    
  Email Support:        rdfigsupport@rdfig.net  
    
  General Support:    rdfigueroa@gmail.com  
    
  Cell Phone          :  (972) 839-9551  
    
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  class=3DMsoNormal>If you can read this whole story without laughing then =  
  there's  
 no Hope for =  
  you.  I was crying by the end.  Note: Please take   =  
  
 time to read this =  
  slowly.  For those of you who have lived in   =  
  
 Natal, you know how typical =  
  this is.  They actually have a Curry
  class=3DMsoNormal> Cook-off about June/July.  It takes up a major =  
  portion of a     
  class=3DMsoNormal> parking lot at the Royal Show in =  
  PMB.           &nb=  
  sp;           &nbs=  
  p;   
  class=3DMsoNormal>         &=  
  nbsp;           &n=  
  bsp;           &nb=  
  sp;           &nbs=  
  p;            =  
  ;       
  class=3DMsoNormal> Judge #3 was an inexperienced food critic named =  
  Frank, who was  
 visiting =  
  From =  
  America.           =  
  ;            =  
              =  
         
  class=3DMsoNormal> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be =  
  selected as a judge at a  
  class=3DMsoNormal> Curry Cook-off.  The original person called =  
  in sick at the last 
 moment and =  
  I happened to be standing there at the judge's table 
  class=3DMsoNormal> asking for directions to the Beer Garden when =  
  the call came in. 
 I was =  
  assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the  =  
  
 curry wouldn't be all that =  
  spicy and, besides, they told me I   
  class=3DMsoNormal> could have free beer during the tasting, so I =  
  accepted".        =  
  
  class=3DMsoNormal>         &=  
  nbsp;           &n=  
  bsp;           &nb=  
  sp;           &nbs=  
  p;            =  
  ;          <=  
  /p>
 Here are the scorecard notes from the =  
  event:           &=  
  nbsp;           =  
  
  class=3DMsoNormal>         &=  
  nbsp;           &n=  
  bsp;           &nb=  
  sp;           &nbs=  
  p;            =  
  ;          <=  
  /p>
 CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO =  
  CURRY...           =  
  ;     
  class=3DMsoNormal> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. =  
  Amusing kick.       
  class=3DMsoNormal> Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very =  
  mild.           &n=  
  bsp;    
 Judge # =  
  3 (Frank) -- Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You   =  
  
 could remove dried paint from =  
  your driveway.  Took me two beers    =  
  
 to put the flames out.  I =  
  hope that's the worst one.  =  
  These        
  class=3DMsoNormal> people are =  
  crazy.           &=  
  nbsp;           &n=  
  bsp;           &nb=  
  sp;           &nbs=  
  p;  
  class=3DMsoNormal>         &=  
  nbsp;           &n=  
  bsp;           &nb=  
  sp;           &nbs=  
  p;            =  
  ;          <=  
  /p>
 CHILI #2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN =  
  CURRY...           =  
              &=  
  nbsp;    
  class=3DMsoNormal> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. =