                             Are You a Twit?
                             --- --- - -----

 o Twits know EVERYTHING. Just ask them. But, it'd take a crow-bar and 
dynamite
   to get any useful information out of them. These self-professed 
"experts"
   will RARELY stoop so low as to assist someone who may genuinely need 
some
   help. After all, a REAL "hacker" never needs or asks for help.

 o A Twit would not be caught dead using their REAL NAME when calling a 
BBS.
   In fact, Twits refuse to leave anything more involved than a handle when
   registering with a BBS. (EVERYONE knows who "Slinky Toy" is!!!)

   The ONLY exception to this rule is that they will often use SOMEONE 
else's
   real name. Or, they may use the name of a Heavy-Metal rock & roll group.
   (Imagine a system where everyone is named "Guns&Roses")

 o Twits NEVER pay for access to a computer system. They see themselves 
as
   latter-day "Robin-Hoods", taking from the rich (SysOps) and giving to the
   Poor (Themselves). Their motto: "If it isn't free, it isn't worth having."

 o Twits NEVER register their Shareware. Cash is what they use to buy 
faster
   modems. Program Authors are neurotic-compulsives, and if they did not
   serve a purpose, Twits would have them abolished completely.

 o Twits ADORE Sprint, MCI, and other long-distance credit card numbers, 
IF
   they belong to someone else. This also applies to COMPUSERV, SOURCE, 
etc.
   Their motto is: "If you can't steal it, it can't be much fun".

 o A Twit is a "BBS Connoisseur". They KNOW how your system SHOULD look 
and
   run. They will not hesitate to inform you if it fails to meet their
   demanding and rigid expectations. (They consider this a "Public Service")
   However, they would NEVER trouble themselves to run their OWN BBS. 
That
   might take valuable time away from their duties as "Remotes" on the 30 
or
   more systems they spend all their waking moments calling.

 o Twits LOVE to page the SysOp, often just for the sheer hell of it. They 
are
   most fond of "Late-Night" paging. This is the perfect time for them to
   explain the infallible logic as to why they should be given Remote-SysOp
   access to your system. Their second most favored reason for wanting to 
chat
   is "Just checking to see if you were THERE!"

 o Twits love DOWNLOADING. Uploading is for simpletons who can't tell 
whether
   they are coming or going. If Twits designed modems, we'd all have one 
which
   downloads at 18.2 K-Baud, and uploads at 300 baud. If Twits wrote 
protocols,
   the smallest block they could receive would be 10 megs.

 o Twits cannot comprehend WHY the IBM program they just downloaded 
won't run
   on their Atari 800. After all, programs are programs, right? And, any 
fool
   knows that a 32K machine can hold a 200K program.

 o Twits can't READ or COUNT. This is evidenced by their total inability to
   comprehend System Rules, or Upload/Download Ratio's. But, for some
   strange reason, they can still use a computer.

   Because of this handicap, most Twits are unemployed. It is a miracle 
that
   most of them haven't been retained by the State to pick up trash on the
   expressways. They'd gladly volunteer for it, if it could be done with a
   modem and they were called "Remote-Trash Downloaders".

 o Twits can't TOLERATE seeing a command that they can't use. Their 
motto is
   "try, try again". If it didn't work the first time, it HAS to work on the
   second, third, fourth, etc. No self-respecting SysOp would intentionally
   offer them anything less than TOTAL ACCESS.

 o Twits are FASCINATED by DOS. Their quest for it rivals the search for 
the
   legendary "Holy-Grail". They MUST reach it, through their modem, or all 
is
   lost. What they would do with it if they reached it, is probably a lot like
   what a dog who chases cars would do with one if he managed to catch it.
   (Pee on the tires?)

 o Twits are totally ENGROSSED by hardware. They can conceive of the 
most
   unorthodox, outrageous, and potentially lethal contraptions known on
   Earth. Occasionally, these "time-bombs" actually work. Any difficulties
   they experience with their computers will fall under the heading of
   "Miscegenation", or "Poetic Justice".

 o Twits CRAVE the LATEST version of "Goober-Pods", or "Space-Weenies". 
To
   reward the SysOp for access to such mega-byte gems, they will upload
   VALUABLE and USEFUL programs in return. Such as "Weasel-Stompers" 
for the
   Commodore-64, providing it is less than 10K in size.

 o A Twit NEVER uses applications programs, and NEVER writes programs.
   (Programs are what Twits DOWNLOAD, and most can just BARELY write 
or spell)
   Their motto: "If you don't need a joystick to play it, it isn't worth
   having".

 o A real Twit will FLATLY REFUSE to use ANY compression method on files 
they
   intend to upload. After all, SysOps sit and twiddle their thumbs waiting
   on something to do, and should be GRATEFUL that they get ANY uploads, 
EVER!
   They also refuse to upload documentation. (It is crutch for weak minds 
and
   the hallmark of the Geek)

 o Twits SUFFER if there are no "NEW" files on the system. There may be a
   correlation between "NEW" files and Twits, much as there is one which
   exists between dog-excrement and flies. The only difference is that 
flies
   usually leave after eating their fill. Twits don't.

 o Twits desperately NEED to become Remote-Sysops. They KNOW that 
EVERYONE
   else on the system has SysOp capabilities, and don't want to be excluded
   from all the fun! (Are all Twits created equal?)

 o Twits NEED multiple logon codes. This is the measure of their Twitdom,
   and reflects their true status in the Twit-community. A Twit with only 
ONE
   logon code is a FAILURE, and faces censure and possible expulsion from
   their peer group. (It is no wonder that Twits exhibit schizo tendencies)

 o Twits NEVER leave messages, unless it is rude, crude, or socially
   unacceptable. If an exception to this exists, it will probably be a
   creative one-liner such as "Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".
   Twits rarely reply to messages. Unless they enter a one-liner such as
   the one above.

 o Twits NEVER communicate with SysOps, unless it is to ask WHY such 
and such
   file is unavailable, demand access to the "Pirate-Board", or gripe about
   something. Mail from the SysOp is considered to be the electronic 
equivalent
   of "Junk-Mail", and should be ignored. In fact, there should be some form
   of law to stop it from being written.

   This is NOT a condemnation of Twits. It is a definition of them. If you, or
   someone you know has these tendencies, we'd like to suggest something 
which
   will rehabilitate you.....BECOME A SYSOP!!!!
__________________________________________________________
_____________________

  The following additions were written by myself or suggested by various 
users
  of this board.

 o Twits think that the "Caps Lock" key must be activated in order to 
properly
   leave a message on a board.  They think that their message is of such 
great
   importance that it must be screamed at everyone.

 o Twits feel that the proper way to leave a board is to drop the carrier.
   They do this because they don't want to waste their valuable time 
exiting
   via the "Good-bye" command, when they could spend that time calling 
another
   board.

 o Occasionally an above average Twit who discovers that modeming can 
be a two
   way street will attempt to get around upload\download ratios by 
renaming the
   same program fifteen or twenty times and using it to fill the SysOp's 
hard
   disk with redundant programs.  After all, rules were meant to be broken,
   right?

  If you have an idea of what a Twit is, and would like it added to the list,
  please leave me comment or a message in the "Mail Box".

  Chris Bradford
  - SysOp

.ORIGIN: 015/004 - The Wizard's Castle - Atlanta, Georgia - (404)921-
8900 GAATL
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