XPost: alt.fan.barbra.streisand, alt.fan.j-garofalo, alt.fan.art-bell   
   From: blabla@blabla.com   
      
   Where did you get this excerpt and are there more because I love   
   George Carland stand up and would like to e-mail some friends some   
   more of his stuff.   
      
      
   On Mon, 3 May 2004 22:32:28 -0500, "\"MIDIcian\" \(tm\)"   
    wrote:   
      
   >Back In Town - George Carlin, Live at the Beacon Theatre, New York   
   >   
   >(much applause, many cheers  throughout)   
   >   
   >Why, why, why, why, why is it, that most of the people who are against   
   >abortion, are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place? Huh? Huh?   
   >Huh?  Boy these conservatives are really something, aren't they?  They're   
   >all in favor of the unborn.  They will do anything for the unborn, but once   
   >you're born, you're on your own!  Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with   
   >the fetus, from conception to 9 months.  After that they don't want to know   
   >about you.  They don't want to hear from you, No nothin'!  No neo-natal   
   >care, no day care, no HeadStart, no school lunch, no food stamps, no   
   >welfare, "Know-nothing"!  If you're preborn you're fine, if you're   
   >preschool, you're fucked! You're fucked!  Conservatives don't care about you   
   >until you reach, military age.  Then they think you are just fine.  Just   
   >what they've been looking for. Conservatives want live babies, so they can   
   >raise them to be dead soldiers.   
   >   
   >Pro-life.  Pro-life.  These people aren't pro-life, they're killing,   
   >doctors! What kind of pro-life is that?  What, they'll do anything they can   
   >to save a fetus but if it grows up to a Doctor they just might have to kill   
   >it?  They aren't pro-life, they're anti-woman, simple as it gets,   
   >anti-woman. They don't like women.  They believe that a woman's primary role   
   >is to function as a brood-mare for the state.  Pro-life.  You don't see many   
   >of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses   
   >transplanted into their uteruses, do you?  Nah, you don't see them adopting   
   >a whole lot of crack-babies, do you?  Nah, that might be something Christ   
   >would do!   
   >   
   >And, you won't see, you won't see, alot of these pro-life people dousing   
   >themselves in kerosene and lighting themselves on fire!  You know, morally   
   >religious committed people in south Vietnam, knew how to stage a god-damned   
   >demonstration, didn't they, huh?  They knew how to put on a fuckin' protest!   
   >Light yourself on fire!  Come on you moral crusaders, let's see a little   
   >smoke, to match that fire in your belly.   
   >   
   >Here's another question I have.  How come when it's us, it's an abortion,   
   >and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette?  Are we so much better than   
   >chickens all of a sudden?  When did this happen, that we passed chickens in   
   >goodness. Name 6 ways we're better than chickens.  See, nobody can do it!   
   >You know why?  'Cause chickens are decent people.  You don't see chickens   
   >hanging around in drug gangs, do you?  No, you don't see a chicken strapping   
   >some guy into a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you?   
   >When's the last chicken you heard about come home from work and beat the   
   >shit out of his hen, huh?  Doesn't happen, 'cause chickens are decent   
   >people.   
   >   
   >But let's get back to this abortion shit.  Now, is a fetus a human being?   
   >This seems to be the central question.  Well, if the fetus is a human being,   
   >how come the census doesn't count them?  If a fetus is a human being, how   
   >come if there's a miscarriage there isn't a funeral?  If a fetus is a human   
   >being, how come people say "we have 2 children and 1 on the way" instead of   
   >saying "we have 3 children"?  People say life begins at conception, I say   
   >life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process!   
   >Continuous, just keeps ~rolling~ along!  ~Rolling~, ~rolling~, ~rolling~   
   >along!   
   >   
   >And say, you know something?  Listen, you can go back further than that!   
   >What about the carbon atoms, huh?  Human life could not exist without   
   >carbon! So is it just possible that maybe we shouldn't be burning all this   
   >coal? Just looking for a little consistency here in these anti-abortion   
   >arguments. See the really hard-core people will tell you that life begins at   
   >fertilization.  Fertilization, when the sperm fertilizes the egg.  Which is   
   >usually a few moments after the man says "Gee honey, I was going to pull out   
   >but the phone rang and it startled me."   
   >   
   >Fertilization. But even after the egg is fertilized, it's still 6 or 7 days   
   >before the egg reaches the uterus, and pregnancy begins, and not every egg   
   >makes it that far!  80% of a woman's fertilized eggs are rinsed and flushed   
   >out of her body once a month during those delightful few days she has.  They   
   >wind up on sanitary napkins, and yet they are fertilized eggs!  So basically   
   >what these anti-abortion people are telling us is that any woman who's had   
   >more than 1 period is a serial killer!   
   >   
   >Consistency.  Consistency.  Hey, hey, if they really want to get serious   
   >what about all the sperm that are wasted when the state executes a condemned   
   >man and one of these pro-life guys who's watching comes in his pants, huh?   
   >Here's a guy standing over there with his jockey shorts full of little   
   >'Vinnies' and 'Debbies', and nobody's saying a word to the guy!  Not every   
   >ejaculation deserves a name!   
   >   
   >Now.  Speaking of consistency.  Catholics, which I was, until I reached the   
   >age of reason, Catholics, and other Christians are against abortions and   
   >they're against homosexuals.  Well who has less abortions than homosexuals?   
   >Leave these fucking people alone, for Christ's sake!  Here's an entire class   
   >of people that's guaranteed never to have an abortion!  And the Catholics   
   >and Christians are just tossing them aside!  You'd think they'd make natural   
   >allies!   
   >   
   >Go look for consistency in religion.  And speaking of my friends the   
   >Catholics, when John Cardinal O'Conner came to New York, and some of these   
   >other Cardinals and Bishops have experienced their first pregnancies, and   
   >their first labor pains, and they've raised a couple of children on minimum   
   >wage, then I'll be glad to hear what they have to say about abortion!  I'm   
   >sure it would be interesting!  Enlightening too.  But, in the mean time what   
   >they ought to be doing is telling these priests who took a vow of chastity   
   >to keep their hands off the alter boys.  Keep your hands to yourself,   
   >Father! Ya know?  When Jesus said "suffer the little children come unto me",   
   >that's not what he was talking about!!   
   >   
   >So you know what I tell these anti-abortion people?  I say, "Hey, hey, if   
   >you think a fetus is more important than a woman, try getting the fetus to   
   >wash the shit stains out of your underwear - for no pay and no pension.   
   >Think of abortion as term limits.  That's all it is, biological term limits.   
   >   
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)