XPost: alt.politics.socialism, alt.politics.economics, alt.politics.media   
   From: efreem2@alumni.umbc.edu   
      
   The only thing the Republicans and Democrats in Washington   
   can agree on is their pay raises.   
      
      
   Try to avoid people who are really nice to you.   
   Sooner or later, you know   
   they are going to ask you for a favor.   
      
      
   Medicine is sky high.  I got one prescription that says,   
   "Take one capsule as often as you can afford it."   
      
      
   It's true you can't take it with you, but then,   
   that's not where it comes in handy.   
      
   *.*   
      
   Oneliners   
      
   Freedom means choosing your burden.   
      
   The best way to argue with another is to say nothing.   
      
   Streakers beware: Your end is in sight!   
      
   A husband: is one who expects his wife to be perfect and to understand   
   why he isn't.   
      
   Suggested Wisconsin motto: "Come to Wisconsin and smell our dairy   
   air."   
      
   To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going   
   fishing.   
      
   It's simple. What the government does is legal. What you do isn't.   
      
   The height of embarassment is when two eyes meet at the same keyhole.   
      
   It's not whether you win or lose; it's how you place the blame   
      
   Don't be afraid of opposition. A kite rises against, not with, the   
   wind.   
      
   Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.   
      
   *.*   
      
   It's too bad for the middle income person. They earn   
   too much to avoid paying taxes   
   and make too little to afford paying them.   
      
      
   In eighteenth century English gambling dens,   
   there was an employee whose only job   
   was to swallow the dice if there was a police raid.   
      
   *.*   
      
   BEING CREATIVE WITH TROUBLESOME KIN   
      
   You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example,   
   let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking   
   in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in   
   Montana in 1889.   
      
   A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus,   
   showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the   
   words:   
      
   "Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885.   
   Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by   
   Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."   
      
   Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We   
   simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with   
   image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.   
      
   Next, we rewrite the text:   
      
   "Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His   
   business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian   
   assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.   
      
   Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service   
   at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his   
   dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital   
   investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In   
   1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in   
   his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."   
      
   *.*   
      
   Does anybody else find it ironic that many couples split up   
   because they haven't spent enough time together?   
      
      
   A politician is the one who shakes your hand before elections   
   and your confidence after.   
      
      
   If you want to know what G-d thinks of money,   
   just look at the people he gave it to.   
      
      
   Housework serves no purpose. It isn't what you do in a house that   
   shows, it's what you don't do that everyone notices.   
      
   Issue of the Times;   
   Stranger Than Satire: Past Year 'Predicts' New One by Radley Balko   
      
   It is something of a clichd tradition for a columnist to write a year-end   
   or New Year column that makes exaggerated, sometimes humorous predictions   
   for the next 12 months.   
      
   I wrote such a column at about this time last year, with "predictions"   
   that   
   reflected the continuing, creeping influence of government in our lives.   
   Unfortunately, the state of civil liberties and both economic and personal   
   freedom haven't improved much over the past year. So I figure it's time   
   for   
   another round of unlikely predictions as to what we might expect from our   
   government in 2007.   
      
   --In yet another case of government bureaucracy gone mad, some local   
   health   
   agency will insist that the churches and private homes where volunteers   
   prepare food for homeless people pass rigorous, restaurant-standard health   
   inspections or shut down operations.   
      
   The silly policy will be justified in the name of protecting the homeless   
   when, in reality, it will really only lead to fewer homeless people   
   getting   
   fed.   
      
   --In a scenario straight out of George Orwell's "1984," several local   
   governments will begin to encourage children to turn in their parents when   
   the parents fail to abide by building and property code violations, such   
   as   
   mowing the grass, properly sorting recyclables, and similar mundanities.   
      
   --In an aptly striking display of the drug war's misplaced priorities,   
   federal narcotics police will sit idly by while a government informant   
   takes   
   part in several drug-related murders. The reason for their inaction? It   
   was   
   more important to get information from the informant on drug dealing than   
   preventing the killings.   
      
   --In other drug war news, when asked to explain how today's drug   
   prohibition   
   differs from the nation's failed attempt at alcohol prohibition in the   
   1920s, the nation's top drug cop will actually make the argument that   
   alcohol prohibition was a success.   
      
   --A radio host in the nation's capital will play a hoax on his listeners,   
   jokingly suggesting that all Muslims in America be identified with an   
   armband or a tattoo. He will then express shock when a solid majority of   
   callers to his show will express their agreement with the proposition.   
      
   --In Britain, where the Nanny State is even more aggressive than it is   
   here   
   in the U.S, a government health agency will insist that the company that   
   makes the whimsically-named "Dragon Sausage" change the product's name, or   
   pull it from the market.   
      
   The reason? Customers might be fooled into thinking the product contains   
   actual dragon meat.   
      
   --Now that the federal government has made online gambling a crime, some   
   state government will take things even further, and make writing about   
   online gambling a crime.   
      
   --Some state that spends millions of dollars promoting its lottery will   
   protect its monopoly on gambling by executing a man for the crime of   
   wagering with his friends on football games.   
      
   --Having run out of things to tax, some state legislator will attempt to   
   pass a law stating that any money left over on retail "gift cards" be   
   forfeited to the state government.   
      
   --Taking the overuse of SWAT teams to new, un-parody-able levels, a   
   federal   
   SWAT team will raid a group of Tibetan monks touring the United States on   
   a   
   world peace mission.   
      
   --Some silly conservative will write a book blaming rap music and South   
   Park   
   for the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.   
      
   --A major U.S. magazine will riff on the obesity hysteria, and run a hoax   
   article about the possibility of taxing fat people for their extra weight.   
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)