XPost: alt.politics.socialism, alt.politics.economics, alt.politics.media   
   From: efreem2@alumni.umbc.edu   
      
   We could learn a lot from crayons:   
      
   Some are sharp, some are pretty,   
   some are dull, some have weird names   
   and all are different colors,   
   but they all have to learn to live in the same box.   
      
   *.*   
      
   Oneliners   
      
   If you drink a Fifth on the Fourth, you might not come Forth on the   
   Fifth.   
      
   Status Quo: Latin for "The mess we're in."   
      
   You can't get ahead while getting even.   
      
   Give some people an inch, and they think they are rulers.   
      
   Second place is the first loser.   
      
   A procrastinator's work is never done.   
      
   Never decide to buy something while listening to the salesman.   
      
   *.*   
      
   The older generation thought nothing of getting up   
   at five every morning . . .   
   and the younger generation doesn't think much of it either   
      
      
   If you're being run out of town,   
   get in front of the crowd   
   and make it look like a parade.   
      
      
   Mr. Parker saw his son's shiner and demanded,   
   "Jimmy, who gave you that black eye?"   
   "No one," replied the spunky child. "I had to fight for it."   
      
      
   You can't fool all the people all the time but.   
   if you can do it once every four years,   
   you'll have a promising career ahead of you in politics.   
      
      
   Utility is when you have one telephone,   
   luxury is when you have two,   
   and paradise is when you have none.   
      
      
   Always keep several get well cards on the mantel.   
   If unexpected guests arrive,   
   they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean.   
      
   *.*   
      
   Two duffers were playing together. After the first hole,   
   one said to the other, "What did you take on that hole?"   
      
   "I took a seven," the second duffer said. "What did you take?"   
   "I took a six," his friend said.   
      
      
   After the second hole, the first duffer said, "What did you..."   
   "Hey, not so fast," his friend said. "It's my turn to ask first!"   
      
   *.*   
      
   Musician Jokes   
      
   A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a   
   musician."   
      
   She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."   
      
      
   Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?   
   A: A tattoo.   
      
      
   Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?   
   A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.   
      
      
   Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?   
   A: Saliva.   
      
      
   Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?   
   A: Homeless.   
      
      
   Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?   
   A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.   
      
      
   Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?   
   A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.   
      
      
   Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?   
   A: About three decibels.   
      
      
   Q: How do you get an oboist to play A flat?   
   A: Take the batteries out of his electronic tuner.   
      
      
   Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?   
   A: A bad oboist can kill you.   
      
      
   Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?   
   A: So they can park in the handicapped zones.   
      
      
   Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?   
   A: You can tune a chainsaw.   
      
      
   Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?   
   A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.   
      
      
   Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?   
   A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.   
      
      
   Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?   
   A: Eleven pounds.   
      
      
   Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?   
   A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.   
      
      
   Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?   
   A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can   
   do   
   that!"   
      
      
   Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?   
   A: Some conductors actually read Greek.   
      
      
   Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?   
   A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.   
      
      
   Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong   
   pitch.   
      
      
   Q: What's the difference between a Lawnmower and a Viola?   
   A: Vibrato   
      
      
   Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?   
   A: The can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.   
      
      
   Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead   
   trombonist in the road?   
   A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.   
      
      
   Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?   
   A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.   
      
      
   Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your   
   back   
   yard?   
   A: Stop laughing and shoot again.   
      
      
   Soprano Sofege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Not You, ME!!   
      
      
   Q: What's the perfect weight of a conductor?   
   A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.   
      
      
   Q: What's the definition of optimisim?   
   A: A bass trombonist with a beeper.   
      
      
   Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player?   
   A: Back up.   
      
      
   Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car?   
   A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof   
      
      
   Q: How do you get a three piece horn section to play in tune?   
   A: Shoot two of therm.   
      
      
   Q: What's the difference between a bull and a band?   
   A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.   
      
      
   Q: What's the difference between a tuba and a vacumn cleaner?   
   A: You have to turn one of them on before it sucks.   
      
      
   Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?   
   A: Night manager at McDonalds   
      
      
   Q: Why are violas larger than violins?   
   A: They aren't. Violists heads are smaller.   
      
      
   Q: How are trumpet players like pirates?   
   A: They're both murder on the high Cs.   
      
   Issue of the Times;   
   Locked in the Trunk of a Car: A Political Solution to Shopping by Stefan   
   Molyneux   
      
   Now that my wife has started taking political science courses, things are   
   getting really confusing at my house. Just this morning there was a knock   
   at   
   our front door. Opening it, I saw an enormous man, who asked for my wife.   
      
   "Actually, I think she's just heading out to go shopping," I said, my eyes   
   narrowing just a little.   
      
   "Yeah," he drawled, a toothpick working back and forth across his lips   
   like   
   a little oar. "I know. That's what I'm here for."   
      
   I stared at him, then shrugged. A personal shopper? Professional   
   bag-toter?   
   Foot-masseuse? Who knew?   
      
   I heard my wife coming downstairs. "Ah!" she exclaimed. "Excellent, I'm   
   just   
   ready!"   
      
   "All right," growled the man. He pulled out a large burlap sack from under   
   his coat. "Lean forward," he said to my wife, lifting the sack over her   
   head.   
      
   I made a motion to grab his arm, then decided to use words instead. "What   
   are you doing?" I demanded - not weakly, I hoped.   
      
   My wife held up her hand, smiling at the man. "It's okay," she said. "I'm   
   afraid my husband is a libertarian."   
      
   The big man rolled his eyes, then sighed and crossed his arms, leaning up   
   against the door frame.   
      
   "You see, honey," my wife smiled, "I really want to go shopping."   
      
   "So this. man gets to put you in a sack?"   
      
   "Of course! That's how it works. I didn't really understand it until I   
   started taking political science, but it's so radiantly clear now!"   
      
   "What is?"   
      
   "Well, before, when I wanted to go shopping, I wasn't very efficient. I   
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)