XPost: alt.non.racism, alt.politics, alt.society.liberalism   
   XPost: talk.politics.misc   
   From: here@home   
      
   Are you an underprivileged 12-year-old homey living in the 'hood? Do   
   you have no idea who your daddy is? If you do know your father, you're   
   probably about as unpopular as a 15-year-old white girl who hasn't yet   
   experienced lesbianism with multiple partners in a public venue. In   
   other words, you're hated by your peers (and are ostracized by your   
   school).   
      
   For the 96% of you who DON'T know who your daddy is, consider yourself   
   lucky. Since your "moms" has no idea who he is (and she hasn't been   
   invited to the Maury Povich Show to find out), you can do what you   
   always do - lie your ass off! Unlike white kids (or those black kids   
   at your school who speak proper English who you call "white") you get   
   to actually CHOOSE who your daddy will be. It doesn't matter -   
   nobody's actually sure. Saniqua's been hooking up with every Leshon,   
   Dick and Harry in the tri-state area since she was 14, and you're   
   probably related to pretty much everyone in your neighborhood as it   
   is.   
      
   All you have to decide is what TYPE of homey you would like for a   
   father. Here's the list:   
      
   1) Afro-Centric Phony: These people are a disgrace to their heritage.   
   You'll see them in the ghetto wearing the most ridiculous African garb   
   that people from Kenya and Tanaznia are forced to make fun of. They   
   have no sense of history, current events, culture, or language arts,   
   yet will hold themselves up as "experts" on all things African. Most   
   of these people are extremely fat, and will justify their use of   
   wearing large shower curtains instead of   
   pants by saying that it's their "cultural" tradition. A great way to   
   "keep it real." They will also give themselves and their children   
   phony African names like "Uhuru," which (as every white Star Trek geek   
   with tape on his glasses knows is Swahili for "freedom").   
      
   2) Pseudo Intellectual - Similar to the Afro-Centric Phony, the Pseudo   
   Intellectual will spout off all sorts of fraudulent statistcs and will   
   make excuses for the rapant crime, drug abuse, and fatherless children   
   in your community (with an added emphasis on the final syllable "ty"   
   to make himself sound even more intelligent). The Psuedo Intellectual   
   homey will also use his index finger excessively. He will hold it up   
   like bin Laden when he's making a "point," and will use it to point to   
   his temple to talk about his "intelligence." He will also impress   
   every fat skank in your area code with his overuse of hackneyed   
   cliches such as "Math is Power," or "The CIA brings in drugs."   
      
   3) Petty Thug - Your father could be a drug dealer, jockey-boxer,   
   purse-snatcher, or simple thief. I know this isn't the most glamorous   
   type of father, but at least you won't be accused of being white (like   
   the kid whose dad is an Intel engineer does).   
      
   4) Hardened Thug - If your dad's a murderer, rapist, or other hardened   
   criminal, you could have a problem. Sure, you will be respected by   
   everyone at your school (should you choose to go), but there's a very   
   good chance that if he gets out of the joint, he's going to kill you   
   (then blame it on "Post Traumatic Slave Disorder," a faux mental   
   condition created by our esteemed Pseudo Intellectual homey).   
      
   5) Loafer/Bum - You could always have a dad that's not burdened by   
   work or those other things you deem to be "white." Many homies have   
   made a very fulfilling career out of doing absolutely nothing. Even   
   though he doesn't work, the Loafer/Bum dad sure as hell won't spend   
   any time with you. He'd rather be out on the corner drinking pimp   
   juice, shucking, jiving, loafing, goofing, and saying "let me have a   
   dollar" to everyone who walks by. It's an art form. And like most art   
   forms, the Ward Cleavers of the white community don't see it as worthy   
   of financial compensation. That's fine, because your dad is most   
   likely on the dole.   
      
   6) Teen Dad - Of course, if you're 12, your dad could be as old as 25,   
   so he's not technically a "teen." However, that won't stop him from   
   challenging you to a game of b-ball or trying to get your 12 year old   
   girlfriend into bed. Be carefull.   
      
   7) Community Leader - This is perhaps the easiest position to get into   
   if you're a homey. You don't need any intelligence, morals, or   
   leadership ability whatsoever. Just look at how popular Marion Barry   
   is. Now think about the local Marion Barrys in your town. Pretty   
   pathetic, aren't they? This is an excellent position for a homey thug   
   father. Not only do you get the best pussy, you get to blame virtually   
   every vice you have on whitey. Plus, the media (as well as the urban   
   legend believing members of your town) will fall all over themselves   
   to kiss your ass. If you have one of these as a dad, you may in fact   
   get some sloppy seconds.   
      
   8) Po-litical Activist/Professional Victim - Al Sharpton embodies this   
   better than anybody else. All you need to do in order to be a   
   "political activist" in the hood is register to vote. That's all. You   
   don't even have to actually vote (which is good, because you don't   
   know how to vote anyway). Like the Community Leader, the Po-litical   
   Activist makes a living through a healthy mix of graft, embezzlement,   
   extortion, and asking Shamiqua for a do-nation.   
      
   9) Mr. Hoop Dreams - You may want to have a father that was the best   
   basketball player in his high school before he dropped out to join the   
   NBA (which didn't accept him). Your daddy's basketball prowess means   
   absolutely nothing to the real world, but will make you the hero of   
   your entire block. The fact that he can't get a job (even if he wanted   
   one) is fine with you. After all, the last thing you want is a father   
   who would put any pressure on you to succeed. That would be too   
   "white."   
      
   10) Bill Clinton - Finally, if you really want to attract attention to   
   yourself (one of the pillars of Keeping it Real), just say that your   
   "moms" had sex with Bill Clinton when he was governor of Arkansas.   
   Statistically, there are at least ten of you out there, and you'll   
   either be able to extort money out of him or sell your story to the   
   Enquirer. Either way, you get to   
   demonstrate one of the main aspects of being a homey - elevating   
   people who have nothing but disdain for your community (like when   
   people called Clinton "The First Black President").   
      
   So that's it in a nutshell. Pick a dad, then tell your mom which one   
   you want for Father's Day. And don't worry. Since you're 12, it's not   
   long before you yourself will be blessed with being a parent (which   
   will be your cue to exit, stage left).   
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
      
   On Thu, 23 Oct 2008 11:51:38 -0700, "Gandalf Grey"   
    wrote:   
      
   >   
   >"Way Back Cracker"  wrote in message   
   >news:4900c1c3.24529515@news.usenetmonster.com...   
   >>   
   >>   
   >> Actually, I grew up in an Eastern city   
   >   
   >And you're still an ignorant cracker.   
   >   
   >Congratulations.   
   >>   
   >>   
   >>   
   >>   
   >>   
   >>   
   >>   
   >>   
   >> On Thu, 23 Oct 2008 11:23:59 -0700, "Gandalf Grey"   
   >>  wrote:   
   >>   
   >>>   
   >>>"Way Back Cracker"  wrote in message   
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)