a066126a   
   From: nebusj-@-rpi-.edu   
      
   mst3kluv  writes:   
      
   >Hey, this my first MSTIng and even though it's not complete yet, I   
   >would like some feedback on it so far,   
      
   	Well, now, if you're sure that you do ... but thank you, first,   
   for posting.  I do like having fresh MiSTings to read.   
      
      
   >DUFFMAN   
   >Original post by BigBumblebeeManFan   
      
   >SERVO: Mahok? Sounds like a really bad Sci-fi movie phrase.   
   >CROW: Maybe it=92s a word of another language used by some remote island   
   >colony.   
      
   	OK.  Little typographical thing: I'm more accustomed to the   
   original text being preceded with the greater-than sign >, since that's   
   the default on Usenet.  < isn't actually wrong, but it does throw me   
   off at least.   
      
   	I think you've gotten off to a decent start; the thing that I'd   
   think most likely to improve things is, well, editing.  It's very easy   
   starting out --- I did it too --- to over-write jokes and toss back   
   more and longer riffs than the subject supports.  That the Brains would   
   occasionally get into long or running comments makes it more tempting.   
   But the key there is occasionally; when all the riffs are several lines   
   long the whole gets to be sluggish.   
      
   	For example, in the first riff there, I think Servo's got the   
   stronger joke.  Were I writing or editing it, I'd cut Crow's as the   
   less punchy of the two.  (I'd probably also trim Servo's line down to   
   'Mahok?  Sounds like a bad Sci-Fi Channel movie.')   
      
      
   >MIKE: They tried marketing Duffman action figures with the Kleenex and   
   >the Aspirin, but it just didn=92t seem to go over well with the general   
   >public.   
      
   	And, similarly, I'd trim that by cutting 'seem to' and 'with the   
   general public' --- the 'seem to' doesn't add an important qualifier to   
   the rest of the sentence, and who they were selling to is, here,   
   redundant.   
      
   	I don't want to sound as though I'm telling you to write like me.   
   I just mean to encourage cutting out the words that aren't needed, which   
   typically strengthens the joke.   
      
      
   >yeah!   
   >CROW: (ala Radar Secret Service), We can solve any problems by   
   >THRUSTING!   
      
   	I think this is a suitable use of a callback from the show.   
      
      
      
   >SERVO: For crying out loud!! He=92s just a freaking spokesman for Duff   
   >Beer!! Since when did he have =93powers=94!!   
   >CROW: I think Ratliff and this guy would get along well together.   
   >SERVO, MIKE: How so?   
   >CROW: Well, they both seem to elevate obscure-bit characters to God-   
   >like status.   
      
   >SERVO: Well actually, that=92s not true. The only time he remotely   
   >matched that description was when Santa=92s Little Helper replaced him   
   >as the spokesman for Duff Beer, and even then, he was helping the   
   >homeless.   
   >MIKE,CROW: FAANBOY!   
      
   	That's a patch that looks to me over-written --- a lot of   
   commentary for a little bit of source material, for one, and quite a   
   bit of time given to a side conversation in the first; in the second,   
   taking the time to explain details of one particular Simpsons episode   
   and correcting impressions of a character ... well, it does come off   
   as fanboyish.  If you could top Tom's correction with a solid punch   
   line then it'd be good as the setup for a joke, but just decrying his   
   correction as 'FAANBOY!' isn't much of a quip.   
      
      
   >SERVO: Quite, a conceited fellow, isn=92t he?   
   >CROW: ( as BumbleBeeManFan): Of, course it doesn=92t matter what YOU   
   >come up with, It=92ll all be worthless! Your so called knowledge of   
   >Duffman doesn=92t compare to mine!! I know all that is Duffman!!  Bow   
   >before me, mortals!!   
      
   	I think Crow's got the stronger response here, and Servo's is   
   not particularly needed.  We the audience are used enough to the Brains   
   impersonating one of the people-on-screen, and the conceited feel of   
   the original ranting is plain enough, I don't think you need to have   
   the transition between source material and impersonation.   
      
      
   >MIKE: (random member) Okay, if you know all that is Duffman, than why   
   >is your username BigBumbleBeeManFan?   
   >CROW:(BumbleBeeManFan) SILENCE!!!   
      
   	There you go.  That's a good little side conversation, with a   
   more natural slipping into impersonation.   
      
      
   	Again, I don't want to be ordering you to write just like I would   
   write.  I'm trying to pass on things that I learned the hard way which I   
   think make for a better MiSTing.  Thank you for putting up the preview.   
      
   --   
   								Joseph Nebus   
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   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
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