From: freezer88@hotSPAMTHISmail.com   
      
   MIKE NELSON: And we are back with another text-only version of   
   Rifftrax - "Rifftext", if you will.  Joining me as always are Kevin   
   Murphy...   
   KEVIN MURPHY: This isn't "Fifty Shades of Gray" is it?   
   MIKE: And Bill Corbett.   
   BILL CORBETT:  So what fresh internet hell do we have today?   
   MIKE: Well today we have "Unbreak My Spark" by Vampirerex1.  The   
   summary is as follows: "Roxanne is a vampire...but she's not your   
   usual vampire, she's one who can eat normal food and walk in the   
   sunlight. So what happens when she falls for a certain mech? Will he   
   love her back, and will she be able to save him from his fate?"   
   [pause] Huh.   
   KEVIN: Well, good luck with this guys.  I gotta go iron my lunch.   
   MIKE: Sit down, Kevin.  You too, Bill.   
   BILL: As long as she doesn't sparkle, I can deal.   
      
   > Chapter 1: Roxie and Will.   
      
   BILL : o/~ Little ditty 'bout Roxie and Will.o/~  Um... o/~ Something   
   something something George Will! o/~   
      
   > The day was dark;   
      
   KEVIN: It was a dark and stormy day...   
      
   > grey clouds littered the sky, promising rain. A young woman was   
   > walking down the street of Mission City, her heels clicking against   
   > the pavement as she walked. She was tall-sih, about 5ft 7in (With   
   > the heels)   
      
   MIKE : So "high side of normal" equals "tall?"   
   BILL: "Tall-ish."   
   MIKE: So I'm assuming this takes place in Japan, then?   
      
   > and her perfect black hair blew lightly with the slight wind.   
      
   BILL : Her Revlon "Catch The Wind Dramatically" mousse was working   
   perfectly.   
      
   > She was dressed in skinny jeans that hugged her curves, a dark top   
   > that showed a little cleavage, but went right down her arms. On her   
   > porclain right hand, on the ring finger, was a chunky ring that   
   > looked like a little sun.   
      
   MIKE : And the first few sentences of the story are dedicated to a   
   badly-spelled description of someone who's name we don't actually   
   know yet.  This does not bode well.   
      
   > If inspected closely, you could clearly see the words in Latin   
   > saying, *Domina Noctis* on one side and on the other side it said,   
   > also in latin, *Praesidio in lucem diei*.   
      
   KEVIN: Yeah, well "Adepto in per is, mulier!"   
      
   > Her hypnotising blue eyes were almost sparkling in the dim light,   
   > her eyes were dusted in a slight shade of violet, her lips were   
   > painted in a blood red colour and her high cheek bones were dusted   
   > in a slight pink.   
      
   BILL : Her delicate eyebrows were perfectly arched. Her socks were   
   pearly white with a hint of wear grime.  And her underwear...   
      
   > All in all, she was a beautiful woman.   
      
   All : [Bored] Of course she was.   
      
   > Now, this young lady was aware that she was being followed by a man   
   > in a black GMC Topkick. Personally, she loved those heavy duty   
   > vehicles, it gave her a jolt of arousal whenever she saw one.   
      
   MIKE: Today on Maury: SUVs and the women who love them!   
      
   > As she were walking, she tried to ignore the rumbling of the engine   
   > behind her.   
      
   KEVIN: As she desperately sought out a bathroom so she could take   
   care of that "arousal."   
   MIKE: That's a little crude, isn't it?   
   KEVIN: Not going anywhere the text isn't pointing towards.   
   MIKE: Point.   
      
   > However, no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't ignore the   
   > sound and the feeling being followed. She turned around and watched   
   > as the truck approached her and a familiar man got out.   
      
   ALL: MIKE ROWE?!   
      
   > "William" she said.   
   >   
   > She had a slight scottish accent and when she smiled, she showed a   
   > mouth full of perfect teeth.   
      
   BILL: Her breath smelled of lavender, her toungue a perfect shade of   
   pink.  And her uvula...   
      
   > She walked over to Will and pulled him into a hug. He hugged her   
   > back and smiled back at her.   
   >   
   > "How are you Roxie?" He asked.   
   >   
   > Roxie nodded and shrugged.   
      
   MIKE: [Roxie] Yeah, I guess.   
   KEVIN: So she's a Dadaist goth, then?   
      
   > "I'm al'ight, I've been better. How're ye?" She asked.   
      
   KEVIN: Right - a Scottish Dadaist goth.   
      
   > Will nodded and pulled her over to the truck. She willingly walked   
   > over to it and went around the back to rub against the tailgate.   
      
   BILL: [William]  Look, I know chicks love the truck but they usually   
   don't do it literally!   
      
   > "Oh how I love these trucks" she said.   
   >   
   > Will laughed and opened the door.   
   >   
   > "Wanna take him for a spin?" He asked.   
   >   
   > Roxie looked at Will.   
      
   MIKE:  [Will] No, you do not get to mount the gearshift.   
   BILL: [Roxie] Aww...   
      
   > "This truck's a guy?" She asked.   
   >   
   > Will nodded.   
   >   
   > "What? You think, that with an ass like that, that this truck was a   
   > gal?" He asked.   
      
   KEVIN: Does that make her a lesbian robo-sexual?   
   MIKE: I don't think 4chan has a name for what she is yet.   
      
   > Roxie shook her head. He was right, with an ass like that, and   
   > muscles like that, there was no way this truck was a gal.   
   >   
   > "Nah...so, I can take him for a spin?" She asked.   
   >   
   > Will nodded and allowed Roxanne to get in, before closing the door   
   > and tapping on the hood.   
   >   
   > "Take it easy on her" he said.   
      
   BILL: [as KITT] Sure thing, Michael.   
      
   > Roxanne started the engine and pressed her foot on the gas. The   
   > truck moved forwards and she smiled. She began to drive it around   
   > the block.   
      
   KEVIN: THRILL as Roxie RE-TAKES HER DRIVER'S TEST!   
      
   > "Wow...you handle easy for a guy truck...if only human guys were   
   > the same...so much to handle...so demanding" she said.   
      
   MIKE: [Roxie] So ignorable, so abusable, so tradeable.   
   BILL: We're *supposed* to think this woman has deep deep mental   
   issues, right?   
      
   > She didn't know why she was talking to the truck...but she sensed   
   > something about it. Something that wasn't quite normal...   
      
   KEVIN: Maybe because all the radio presets were in binary?   
      
   > she got around the block and then took it to a nearby park where no   
   > one was at. She got out.   
      
   MIKE: Then, overcome with lust, she started humping the trailer   
   hitch.   
   BILL: Now who's being crude?   
   MIKE: I admit defeat on that score.   
      
   > "Alright...come on...out with it. Who, or rather what are you?" She   
   > asked.   
      
   KEVIN: The truck responded by spawning an energy cannon and blasting   
   her into a scorch mark.   
      
   > The truck stayed still and didn't move a muscle.   
      
   MIKE:  Does she honestly think she can stare down a truck?   
   BILL: Again: Deep DEEP mental issues.   
      
   > Roxanne walked up to it and then looked around it, her eyes   
   > stopping on the tailgate, where her perfect vision picked up the   
   > mask imprinted on there.   
      
   KEVIN: She then connected to Intersect to find out what it meant.   
      
   > She then walked back around to the drivers side door and got in.   
   >   
   > "Fine, you won't tell me, I'll talk to Will" she said.   
      
   MIKE: Ten minutes later, after Will finally recovered from his   
   laughing fit...   
      
   > Now, Will knew what she was, but hadn't told anyone about it...and   
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)