From: freezer88@hotmail.com   
      
   [[Now with corrected spelling and formatting!]]   
      
   Imagine, the worst, sloppiest Afterschool Special you've can imagine.    
    Now imagine the subject of this special was abusive boyfriends AND    
   sexual assault.  Now imagine that this AS starred the cast of Danny    
   Phantom.  A Danny Phantom where neither Danny uses his powers in all    
   of one scene (and it's nowhere near the climax), there are no ghosts    
   to be found and the main character is Valarie [sic] Gray.  NOW    
   imagine that the whole thing was written by Torgo.   
      
   Congratulations: You have the gist of "Someone To Love Me."  And it's    
   even worse than you thought.   
      
   This well may be THE worst fic I've ever MSTed.  And yes, I include    
   Brightheart The Cub Sitter, Scooby Did! and Captain America/Sailor    
   Venus: Passing The Torch.  Whereas those fics might have contained    
   offensive content, they had it all over this one in terms of    
   coherence.  I honestly can't tell if this was a troll fic or not, and    
   the link I had for the original is dead.  I like to think it was, but    
   would think a troll would put more OOMPH into being offensive, rather    
   than just annoying.     
      
   I honestly don't remember when I picked this up - probably when The    
   House of Bad Fanfiction (alias neo-GAFF 1.0) was still going.  It's    
   been sitting in my Dropbox folder and I decided to finish it.  ANd    
   gave up halfway through, because you can only go "Damn this is    
   stupid" or "What the hell just happened" so many times before you    
   just have to give up and walk away.  Hopefully, what I have down    
   before I threw in the towel is amusing enough.     
      
   And since it was so long ago, it was before I really got into    
   Rifftrax.  So the alternate cast I was working with was that of    
   Cinematic Titanic.  For those who don't know, Cinematic Titanic is    
   basically a meta-version of MST3K (or it was, until they started    
   focusing on live shows instead of the storyline).  In it, Joel    
   Hodgson, Trace Beaulieu, Frank Conniff, Josh Weinstein and Mary Jo    
   Pehl have been retained (it was never specified if they went    
   voluntarily or were kidnapped) by a mysterious organization, claiming    
   to be from the future, where a disaster has destroyed all recorded    
   media.  They've traveled back in time and hope to preserve current    
   media with the help of the old MST3K crew.  (The MST3K Mantra is in    
   full effect, so don't bother asking any questions).   
      
   Confused?  You won't be, after this episode of Fanfictional Titanic!     
   And now on with the disclaimers.   
      
   Cinematic Titanic and all related characters are property of .     
   "Someone To Love Me" is property of someone who's name is long lost    
   to me.  If anyone wants to claim it and claim proper credit...  Why?   
      
   WARNING:  The following contains references borrowed and/or ripped    
   off from: "Animaniacs", "Wayne's World", Bob Segar & The Silver Bullet Band, A   
   Simple Plan, Linkin Park, "Batman (1989)", "Manos: The Hand of Fate", Britney   
   Spears, and "Game of Thrones."   
      
   *******************   
      
   [We open with the normal silhouettes of the CT crew walking to the    
   Riffing Chamber.  They're conversing with their nameless liaison -    
   whom we'll call "The Agent" here.]   
      
   JOEL HODGSON: So you're saying that we won't be watching a movie this    
   time, but we'll be reading something?   
      
   TRACE BEAULIEU:  And the thing we'll be reading won't even be a    
   professional work, but something from Fanfiction.net?   
      
   FRANK CONNIFF: Did you guys go over budget this month?   
      
   THE AGENT: No, I assure you we're in fine working condition.  It's    
   just that all recorded media includes works on the internet as well.     
   We thought we'd give recording something from The Web a try.  Sort of    
   a test run before we try anything important.   
      
   JOSH WEINSTEIN:  So we're guinea pigs.  Again.  Joy.   
      
   THE AGENT: No different that what you've been doing before, only text    
   based instead of video. Besides, haven't you guys done this sort of    
   thing thousands of times?  I mean, we've seen transcriptions of you    
   guys doing text-only stuff all over the place during our research.   
      
   MARY JO PEHL:  Yeah... That wasn't really us.  That was others using    
   our show as a template to do what we did.   
      
   JOSH: Besides, if that was really us... I wasn't in 90% of those.   
      
   JOEL: I was only in half.   
      
   MARY JO: Little less than half.   
      
   TRACE: Maybe two-thirds.   
      
   FRANK: 'Round sixty.   
      
   THE AGENT: Well, if this is going to be a problem...   
      
   JOEL:  Oh, no problem.  Just...   
      
   JOEL: Just don't get your hopes up.   
      
   TRACE: What he said.   
      
   P.A. ANNOUNCER: ALL NON-RIFFING PERSONNEL - PLEASE LEAVE THE    
   RECORDING CHAMBER.   
      
   THE AGENT:  Okay, I'll leave you to it.  And don't forget to insert    
   the nanotated disk into the time  tube when you're done. We thank you    
   and the people of the future thank you! [leaves]   
      
   FRANK: One of these days, we have to find out what "nanotated" means.   
      
   [Cue the theme song as the riffers take their places: Left balcony:    
   Josh  Lower left  - Joel (standing) and Mary Jo (seated), right    
   balcony - Trace, lower right - Frank (seated)]   
      
   > Im starting a new series Called the Casper series , for those who    
   > read the bluford series or even heard of them its based on it with    
   > differnt casper high studens and OCs as i move alone so you wount    
   > only see it on one persons point of veiw .   
      
   FRANK: Question:  What?   
      
   > on with the story . this is called " Someone to love me " ( the    
   > ending might be rated M because of Rape Its the only part )   
      
   ALL: (Sarcastically) Yay!   
      
   > o00o0o0o0o0   
      
   TRACE: And the is what the Hampster Dance would look like in    
   Navigator 1.0.   
      
   > valarie gray tripped over a stack of magazines in the middle of the    
   > liveing room, bumped her knee against the sharp corner of thr    
   > coffee table and droped a can of cat food on the floor.   
      
   JOEL: [Valerie] LARPing Mouse Trap really really sucks! FRANK: So    
   "Valarie" is Valerie's twin sister? MARY JO: Clone, probably.   
      
   > " Ouch ,my leg !" she howed " This place is a freakin' mess" her    
   > two cat cleo and theo, scurried beneth the table.   
   >    
   > Damon came out of his bedroom carrieing his tie around his neck "    
   > stop whinn' sweety and get ready for school you don't want to end    
   > up like your mother a high school drop out"   
      
   JOSH: [Damon] Whom I married and had a kid with...   
      
   > he said putin his shoes on " and if Cindy calls tell her Ill be off    
   > at 5 o'clock , bye love you" He said running out the door   
      
   MARY JO: Wait, is Damon her dad or one of the cats? FRANK: I just    
   don't know.   
      
   > "FUck Cindy ,I HATE that woman " Valarie said picking up the cat    
   > food she had drop on the floor and went to get a fresh can ,   
      
   TRACE: I hate Cindy too! FRANK: Me too!    
   JOEL: Yeah, me three!     
   [pause]   
   JOEL: Um... Why do we hate Cindy?    
   TRACE: I dunno.  Seemed like the thing to do.    
   MARY JO: Good enough for me! [chants] Down with Cindy!  Down with Cindy!    
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)