From: freezer88@hotSPAMTHISmail.com   
      
   MIKE NELSON: And welcome back, folks, to another editon of Rifftext!   
                I'm Mike Nelson, and along side me is Kevin Murphy...   
      
   KEVIN MURPHY: Ready to get my fic on, yo!   
      
   MIKE : And the slightly-less down with the street, Bill Corbett.   
      
   BILL CORBETT: I, to, am ready to get... [sound of pages turning]   
                 Umm... "Crunk?"   
      
   MIKE : Good enough.  And today we're reading "Family Matters."  And   
          before you ask: A) There is no Steve Urkel in this story and   
          B) There will be fines for any and all shoehorned Urkel   
          references.  Double for any "Did I do thats."   
      
   BILL & KEVIN: Awwww!   
      
   MIKE : But it does contain the casts of Twilight, Buffy the Vampire   
          Slayer and Harry Potter thrown together so slapdash you can   
          smell the duct tape from here.   
      
   BILL & KEVIN: YAY!   
      
   > A/N: I do not own any of the characters. They belong to Stephanie   
   > Meyer, J.K. Rowling, Disney, and the WB network.   
      
   MIKE : That kind of role call doesn't always mean "train wreck," but   
        you can hear the screeching brakes.   
      
   > I only own the plot.   
      
   BILL :  [Author] Which I'm hoping to spruce up and flip for big   
           bucks!   
   KEVIN: "Fifty Shades of 'Nay!'"   
      
   > This takes place after Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince and   
   > after he kills all of the horcruxes, except for the 7th one.   
      
   KEVIN: So... Right in the middle of the Battle of Hogwarts, then?   
      
   >  This takes place after Eclispe   
      
   MIKE : Meaning "Bella's not a vampire, thus still completely   
          uninteresting."   
      
   > and after Buffy has saved Angel's soul. I don't know if the Buffy's   
   > part is right because I haven't watched that many episodes.   
      
   BILL : And the sound of the oncoming train gets louder.   
      
   > If I am wrong in anything, please tell me and I'll correct it. And   
   > yes, I purposely spelled Swan with one "n" because even though   
   > Elizabeth Swann has two "n's."   
      
   MIKE : Wait, wait...  Harry Potter, Twilight, Buffy AND Pirates of   
          the Carribean?   
   KEVIN: We can now consider that train crashed!   
      
   > I hope you like.   
      
   BILL : [cheerfully] Doubt it!   
      
   > The Phone Call- Bella's POV   
      
   MIKE : You have four universes to choose from... And you choose   
         *Bella* as your POV character?   
   KEVIN: The train has crashed and sank into a nearby lake.   
   BILL : Maybe she's going with the Japanese dating   
          sim model and making her lead as bland as possible?   
   MIKE : And you know a lot about Japanese dating sims, Bill?   
   BILL : A man's allowed to have hobbies!   
      
   > Today has been the best day of my life.   
      
   KEVIN: [Bella]  I grew my hair stupid long and ran around the wood   
          all day!   
      
   > I have married the man I loved and am in complete bliss.   
      
   MIKE : [sarcastically] And boy did it show!   
      
   > The wedding ceremony was magnificent. Alice has done an amazing   
   > job. It was held in the Cullen's backyard and everyone in town   
   > attended.   
      
   BILL : [Bella] Burglars picked the rest of the town clean, but it was   
          worth it!   
      
   > Everything was done over the top, but I didn't care. Today was my   
   > special day. Charlie had given me away   
      
   ALL: ALL HAIL MUSTACHE DAD!   
      
   > and the vows were said in a blur. The only parts that I can recall   
   > were the "I do's" and our kiss, but other than that, all I remember   
   > is starring into those warm pools of topaz.   
      
   MIKE : Aaaand puke!   
   ALL  : *BLECCCH!*   
      
   > Right now I am dancing in Edward's arms. Everyone has cleared off   
   > the dance floor for our first dance. I can honestly say that being   
   > Mrs. Edward Cullen isn't as bad as I thought it would be.   
      
   KEVIN: [Bella] Getting married to the man of my dreams?  Meh.   
          S'alright.   
      
   > My arms are currently around Edward's neck as he twirled us around.   
   > I just wished that this happiness could last forever. But sadly, it   
   > didn't.   
      
   MIKE : I see this version of Bella's a bit bipolar.   
      
   > I felt a shiver of cold run down my spine and I shuddered. But this   
   > shudder wasn't of cold, no. It was something different and it left   
   > an eerie feeling in me. I guess Edward noticed the shiver because   
   > he chuckled.   
      
   BILL : Yes, your new bride shivering in your arms is something that   
        calls for a chuckle.   
      
   > "Are you cold, love?" he asked with an amused smile.   
      
   BILL : [Edward] Of course, once I drain you of life and turn you into   
          an immortal affront to all that is good - just like you wanted   
          me to - you'll never be warm again.  So consider this   
          practice!   
   	   
   > "No, not really. How strange," I answered, pondering over the   
   > feeling that the shiver left behind as Edward guided us off the   
   > dance floor and to a table. "Edward? Can you get me some water?"   
   >   
   > "Of course," he mumbled as he kissed my forehead and left.   
      
   KEVIN: THRILL as our heroine feels VAGUE UNEASE!   
      
   > I sat down on a chair and noticed the full moon and gazed at its   
   > beauty in awe until I noticed a flicker of black. I examined the   
   > sky more carefully and found some cloaked figures making their way   
   > across the sky. It couldn't be.   
      
   MIKE : [Bella] I thought you didn't get Nazgul this far west.   
      
   > Something is wrong. I should call him, just to make sure.   
   >   
   > "Here you are, love." Edward had returned with the water.   
      
   BILL : [Bella] I took a sip.  It was cool and refreshing.  So I took   
         another.  It was just as good.   
      
   > "Thanks," I murmured as I absent mindedly took a sip and placed it   
   > on the table. I examined the sky again just to make sure what I saw   
   > was correct. My eyes had just caught the last cloaked figure hide   
   > behind a cloud when I looked up.   
      
   KEVIN: [Bella] Did that guy just flip me off?   
      
   > "Is there something wrong, love?" Edward asked as he knelt in front   
   > of me.   
   >   
   > "Nothing to worry about," I said, looking into his concerned face.   
      
   MIKE : [Bella] Though I think we might have poltergeists.   
      
   > "Are you sure I can't do anything?" he asked.   
   >   
   > "Uhmm, can you go and get my mom?" I asked.   
   >   
   > "Sure," he answered a little uncertain and confused,   
      
   BILL : Never a good sign when your bride is calling for Mommy on your   
          wedding day.   
   MIKE : So can I assume that's an even worse sign when she spends five   
          minutes in the bathroom sobbing "I want my mommy?"   
   KEVIN: Your wedding night was a horror show, wasn't it, Mike?   
   MIKE : I thought it was great.  Apparently I'm in the minority.   
      
   > but left to get Renee. About five minutes, he had come back with   
   > her.   
   >   
   > "Hey, sweetie. Edward told me you wanted to see me?" Renee asked   
   > happily, but also confused.   
      
   BILL : Not a good idea having none of your characters know what's   
      happening in a story... at the beginning of your story.   
      
   > "Yes, I did. But first, Edward can you get Charlie for me?" I   
   > asked. He looked even more puzzled than before, but nodded and   
   > left.   
      
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)