[JONAH and THE BOTS reenter the theater.]   
      
   >Chapter 9.   
   >   
   >AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz   
   nut my folt if    
   >dumbeldor swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent    
   >lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!   
   >   
      
   JONAH: Oh yeah, I was really missing that strong friendship that Harry and   
   Snape had forged in the books.   
      
   >XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXX   
   >   
   >I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Draco for cheating on me. I began   
   to cry    
   >against the tree where I did it with Draco.   
   >   
      
   TOM: [Enoby] I thought that the used condoms would add to the ambience of my   
   emotional breakdown.   
      
   >Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and   
   everything    
   >started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn’t have a nose (basically   
   like    
   >Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he   
   wasn’t    
   >gothic.    
      
   CROW: You mean he wasn’t an obnoxious poser who had taken over the body of a    
         beloved character?   
      
   >It was…… Voldemort!   
   >   
      
   JONAH: Writer’s tip 129: If you want your readers to be suprised by the   
   identity   
          of a new character entering a scene, try not to describe them as   
          literally looking like said character.   
   TOM: Writer’s tip 146: Try not to use the phrase “All of a suddenly…”   
      
   >“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted   
   “Imperius!” and I couldn’t    
   >run away.   
   >   
   >“Crookshanks!” I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started   
   to scream.    
      
   CROW: Screaming in laughter, I presume.   
   JONAH: [Enoby] Crap! Why did I think that throwing an oversized tabby cat at   
   him would work?   
      
   >I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.   
   >   
      
   CROW: So she’s a sadist, I see. That explains a lot.   
      
   >“Ebony.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Vampire Potter!”   
   >   
      
   JONAH: [Voldemort] But would thou mindest writing some sonnets for me first?   
      
   >I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how   
   his face    
   >looks just like Joel Madden. I remembered that Draco had said I didn’t   
   understand, so I    
   >thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and   
   they broke    
   >up?   
   >   
      
   JONAH: [Attenborough] As the elder wizard stalks his prey, he stands, taken    
          aback, watching her with curious eyes as she starts mumbling to herself.   
   TOM: [Enoby] Um, Voldemort, would you mind holding off on the menacing threats    
        for a little bit? I have some issues to work through here.   
   CROW: Enoby finds herself puzzled by the concept of linear time.   
      
   >“No, Voldemort!” I shouted back.   
   >   
   >Voldemort gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.   
   >   
      
   TOM: Well, we know the author’s American at least.   
      
   >“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy   
   beloved Draco!”   
   >   
   >“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.   
   >   
   >Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.    
      
   JONAH: [Valley Girl Voldemort] Like, guy! It’s, like, all over school you   
   guys    
          are doing it.    
      
   >“I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly. “And if you doth not kill   
   Vampire, then thou    
   >know what will happen to Draco!” he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on   
   his    
   >broomstick.   
      
   CROW: Our villain, ladies and gentlemen. Dealing with a mildly perturbed   
   teenage   
         girl drives him into a rage.   
      
   >I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into   
   the    
   >woods.   
   >   
   >“Draco!” I said. “Hi!”   
   >   
   >“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white   
   foundation and    
   >messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and   
   Gerard   
   >Way.   
   >   
      
   TOM: I will be refusing to dignify that “pun” with a response.   
      
   >“Are you okay?” I asked.   
   >   
   >“No.” he answered.   
   >   
   >“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I   
   expelled.   
   >   
   >“That’s okay.” he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts   
   together making    
   >out.   
   >   
      
   JONAH: Ah, young love, exciting and new. Think about it, won’t you?   
      
   >Chapter 10.   
   >   
   >AN: stup it u gay fags if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out   
   b’loody mary    
   >isn’t a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!   
   >   
      
   CROW: Reading these author’s notes every chapter is tiring enough for me, I    
         can’t imagine what it’s like for the author as they expel them onto   
   the   
         keyboard.   
   JONAH: [Reporter] Well a very very heavay uh…heavay… duh…burtation   
   tonight. We    
          had a very darist darison. Bite, let’s go ahead and terish tazen low    
          shklibet that had the pep.   
      
   >XXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX   
   >   
   >I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. I was even upset went to   
   rehearsals with   
   >my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666.    
      
   TOM: [Enoby] We couldn’t decide which name we liked best, so we just used   
   them    
        all!   
      
   >I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar.   
      
   JONAH: [Enoby] Well, air guitar.   
      
   >People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. The other    
   >people in the band are B’loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call   
   him    
   >Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.)    
      
   CROW: ...and that’s the most characterization he’ll get.   
      
   >and Hargrid. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren’t   
   coming   
   >and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he   
   wouldn’t    
   >die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is   
   with a    
   >c-r-o-s-s (there’s no way I’m writing that) or a steak)    
      
   TOM: A vampire’s biggest weakness is their constantly clogged arteries.   
   JONAH: Well, Draco has had some trouble with plaque buildup because of all the    
          blood he drinks.   
   CROW: What about refusing to write t-h-i-s s-t-o-r-y instead?           
      
   >and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. I   
   put    
   >on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt   
   that said    
   >Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I’m a slut but I’m really not.   
   >   
      
   CROW: You also might think I’m a writer, but I’m really not.   
   JONAH: OK, that’s enough for now.   
      
   >We were singing a cover of ‘Helena’ and at the end of the song I suddenly   
   bust into    
   >tears.   
   >   
      
   JONAH: [Chuckles] It never gets old.   
      
   >“Ebony! Are you OK?” B’loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.   
   >   
      
   TOM: The concertina was an odd addition to the band’s instrumentation, but   
   most    
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)