From: zaghadka@hotmail.com   
      
   On Sun, 11 Jan 2026 11:36:17 -0500, Spalls Hurgenson   
    wrote:   
      
   >On Sat, 10 Jan 2026 12:02:02 -0600, Zaghadka    
   >wrote:   
   >   
   >>On Sat, 10 Jan 2026 11:26:27 -0500, Spalls Hurgenson   
   >> wrote:   
   >>   
   >>>On Fri, 9 Jan 2026 12:56:44 -0800, Justisaur    
   >>>wrote:   
   >>>   
   >>>>On 1/8/2026 7:43 PM, Punga wrote:   
   >>>>> On 2025-10-22, Mortimer Houghton  wrote:   
   >>>>>> David Chmelik  writes:   
   >>>>>>   
   >>>>>>> Golstaff, you have entered the door to the North. You are now by   
   yourself,   
   >>>>>>> standing in a dark room. The pungent smell of mildew emanates from the   
   wet   
   >>>>>>> dungeon walls.   
   >>>>>>   
   >>>>>> I check for traps, then look to see if there are any hidden doors.   
   >>>>>>   
   >>>>> I check for cheetos.   
   >>>>   
   >>>>You find you're a cheeto.   
   >>>   
   >>>   
   >>>CHEETO   
   >>>   FREQUENCY: 		Common   
   >>>   NO. APPEARING:	5-50   
   >>>   ARMOR CLASS: 	10   
   >>>   MOVE: 		1" (3")   
   >>>   HIT DICE:		1 -1   
   >>>   % IN LAIR: 		50%   
   >>>   TREASURE TYPE:	nil   
   >>>   NO. OF ATTACKS:	1   
   >>>   DAMAGE/ATTACK:	nil   
   >>>   SPECIAL ATTACK:	see below   
   >>>   MAGIC RESISTANCE:	100%   
   >>>   INTELLIGENCE:	Semi   
   >>>   ALIGNMENT:		Chaotic Evil   
   >>>   SIZE:		S   
   >>>   PSIONIC ABILITY:	Nil   
   >>>   
   >>>The dreaded cheeto (also known as a wotsits) can be found wherever   
   >>>gamers congregate. It moves very slowly on the ground, but is slightly   
   >>>faster when airborne. It is extremely vulnerable to physical attack,   
   >>>being easily crushed underfoot or by any significant impact. However,   
   >>>it is nearly invulnerable to elemental or magical assaults. It can be   
   >>>found as often in its lair (a plastic bag) as outside, and often can   
   >>>be found outside its expected territory; cheetos get everywhere! It's   
   >>>single attack is to spread orange dust everywhere, forever marking the   
   >>>victim (or their property) with its indelible orange stain. Given the   
   >>>numbers that appear, it is often impossible to encounter them without   
   >>>getting marked. The stain repels members of the opposite sex and   
   >>>attracts rodents (add +3 to all random encounter rolls). Although only   
   >>>being of marginal intelligence, the cheeto is purest evil and will do   
   >>>its best to ruin everyone's day in every (limited) way available to   
   >>>it.   
   >>   
   >>Suggested additions   
   >>```````````````````   
   >>Cheeto dust negates any invisibility effect as Dust of Appearance.   
   >>Cheetoes have a charming ability that, if a save vs. death is failed,   
   >>causes the afflicted to seek out more Cheetoes obsessively to the   
   >>exclusion of any other activity. Dust encrustation becomes unremovable   
   >>after one week. Remove Curse can cure the afflicted from this obsession.   
   >>Cheetoes also inflict a powerful disease, High LDL, after 2 weeks of   
   >>prolonged contact due to the obsession. There is no save for contraction   
   >>of the disease. Remove Disease will be necessary should persistent   
   >>contact with the Cheetoes occur. High LDL causes one point of lost   
   >>CON/week until cured. Lost CON can be restored with a Restoration or   
   >>Wish/Lmtd Wish spell. At CON zero, the victim suffers Congestive Heart   
   >>Failure, and only Ressurection will restore such a character, clearing   
   >>the arteries of the afflicted. Anyone aged old or venerable automatic   
   >>contracts this disease upon encountering a Cheeto.   
   >   
   >   
   >Coming soon to a D&D game near you: a menagerie of monsters based on   
   >commonly eaten snacks!   
   >   
   >I wonder how many satirical 'monster stat' blocks I have posted to   
   >Usenet over the years... not as many as I used to, to be sure, but   
   >back in the day (you know, when Usenet was still a going concern!) it   
   >was far more common. Somebody would mention a thing and before you   
   >know it, there'd be a response with stats for said thing.   
   >   
   >I'm ashamed to admit that I am so out of practice now that I actually   
   >had to crack open the Monster Manual to remember all the categories   
   >required. ;-/   
   >   
   >Somebody needs to dig through all the Usenet archives and compile a   
   >list of all the monsters --satirical or otherwise-- submitted to   
   >public scrutiny over the years. God knows it can't be any worse than   
   >the original Fiend Folio ;-)   
   >   
   You know, the group is pretty dead. Why don't we both make this a weekly   
   thing? You take 1e stat blocks and I'll take 3.5e stat blocks. We can do   
   spells, monsters, mock encounters, whatever. I already have a parody 3.5e   
   spell ready to go.   
      
   You can't grow a group without compelling content. ;^)   
      
   At the very least, we'll make each other laugh.   
      
   --   
   Zag   
      
   Give me the liberty to know, to think, to believe,   
   and to utter freely according to conscience, above   
   all other liberties.                ~John Milton   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)