[continued from previous message]   
      
   He loved His children so affectionately and gave and gave and took nothing   
   from them. People came to Him en masse. Whatever they wanted He gave them:   
   name, fame, money, anything. He was like a vendor who bargained from morning   
   until evening. To everyone    
   He constantly emphasized that no great work can be accomplished without sound   
   moral character and He bargained for "service to humanity". But when evening   
   came, He distributed everything free and left stealthily.   
      
   He wanted people to exploit His benevolence and appeared happy when He was   
   cheated. What a dispassionate and detached entity! Towards those who came for   
   love and real knowledge, He was very tough - He gave them the seed of divine   
   wisdom, nurtured them    
   and made them strong. He made them realize what is poison and what is nectar.   
   And He bound them with such love that they desired only the narrow path of   
   enlightenment and not the broad path of material enjoyment.   
      
   Men, women, young, old, poor, rich - all sorts of people were possessed by a   
   fire of love for Him. This is why I believe that He had no courage to foretell   
   His passing away. On two earlier occasions in His life He announced that He   
   was leaving, but both    
   times the earnest imploring of His devotees prevented Him from doing so. So   
   this last time, His Maháprastana (Great Departure), He decided to leave   
   stealthily. He came without announcement and He left without telling anyone.   
   The songs of departure in His    
   Prabhát Sam'giita describe this agony:   
      
   Tumi eshechilo kauke nabole, naboliye gelo chole   
      
   You came without notice, and You silently left without telling anyone.   
      
   Dekhechi tar ankhijol bujhini tahari bhasha,   
   Bujhini kichilo asha, nihito bhalobasa.   
   Neerove gele se chole neerovota kotha boll.   
   When I saw His tearful eyes,   
   I could not understand their language:   
   Neither the expectant hope nor the hidden love.   
   He left silently and now the silence is eloquent.   
      
   Bhavite parini ami, ye bhave ashibe tumi emnijabe   
   je chole ankhi jole more bheshe.   
   I could never in my wildest imagination   
   Presume that you would come in this way,   
   And depart so casually, flooding me with tears.   
      
   Neissesh holo rati phuteche prabhato dyuti argal khule chali tai.   
   The night has come to an end,   
   The morning sun is peeping,   
   Therefore I am unlatching the door,   
   And quietly leaving.   
      
   He did as He foretold to me in 1965: "I will leave as a mystery." As long as   
   the Creation exists, Baba will exist as a mystery.   
      
   On October 21, 1990, Baba was ready for work after finishing His morning   
   duties at 4:00 a.m. In the words of the General Secretary, Ac. Sarvatmananda   
   Avt, that day He worked hardest and finished all pending work.   
      
   The 25 years I spent with Baba passed like 25 seconds. I sometimes feel He was   
   too good to be true. It was a dream. I felt that time stood still. Like Rip   
   Van Winkle, I got up from the dream to find that I had become old. My   
   reconciliation with the agony    
   of His departure is feigned. My heart cannot accept it.   
      
   Vakt sari zindagi mein,   
   Doe hi guzari hei kathin   
   Ek terei áneise pehlei   
   Ek tere janei ke bad..[Urdu]   
   Time dragged painfully only twice in my life:   
   Once was before I met you;   
   And again after You left.   
      
      
      
      
      
   Personal Epilogue   
      
   The last words of this book express my inability to reconcile the physical   
   departure of He whom I loved so much more than my life. For three years I had   
   almost continuous dreams of Baba.   
      
   Actually dreams of Him are visions. Baba once explained, "When you dream of   
   Me, it is not a dream." When such vision occurs, one's body consciousness   
   disappears. For hours afterwards a blissful intoxication fills the aspirant. A   
   cool, soothing feeling    
   vibrates between the anahata and the ajiná cakras, and the mind goes into a   
   state of ecstasy.   
      
   In these dreams we quarreled. I would say, "This is a dream," and He would   
   reply, "No." On three occasions, which I will narrate in the future, the   
   experience was so profound that I had to accept the truth of His presence   
   within me. It was like an    
   altered state of consciousness that felt more real than this world around us.   
      
   On one occasion He said in a vision, "I leave a scent of sandalwood on your   
   body as a proof that I came." Then when I slipped out of dhyana, I found not   
   only my body but the whole room was full of the scent of sandalwood. It was   
   past 1:00 a.m. I went    
   downstairs and found Ac. Purnajinananda Avt. was still awake. Before I could   
   say a word he asked, "Why do you smell like sandalwood?"   
      
   After a few days, I again slipped back into my old despondency over His   
   departure. This continued until the night of August 13, 1994.   
      
   At Anandanagar[22] after midnight I was meditating and I lost my body   
   consciousness. Suddenly I saw Baba standing in front of me. He seemed angry   
   and said, "I won't talk to you."   
      
   I asked, "Why not, Baba?"   
      
   "You are not ready to reconcile yourself with My physical departure."   
      
   Then I howled in agony, "I will never, never accept Your decision to part!"   
      
   He walked over to the bed and lay down. His face was melancholy. He looked   
   weak and sad.   
      
   A long time passed. Ultimately, when I realized that He was adamant, I   
   surrendered. I said, "Baba, You win. I am defeated. I accept Your departure.   
   Please talk, because I cannot bear Your silence."   
      
   He got up and His face was beaming with joy. He said, "Promise me to work."   
      
   I said, "Yes, Baba."   
      
   "But your speed is not sufficient."   
      
   I said, "I can't do the work in which I don't recognize You. That is why my   
   speed is less."   
      
   He replied, "Yes, I agree. The work in which you don't find Me is no work.   
   Your speed will slowly increase."   
      
   He started walking out of the room. During the last years of His life, we   
   always used to sing a Prabhát Sam'giita song when He left. I asked, "Baba,   
   what song should I sing - Tumi esechile?" (the song we sang at the time of His   
   cremation).   
      
   He said, "No, sing Ashru muche an'abo hansi ("I will wipe my tears and force a   
   smile"). Before you start every work, you should sing this song. When you   
   finish your work, you should sing Amra gado nibo gurukul ("I will establish   
   Gurukula University[23]").   
    If there is any project which encompasses all My programmes, it is Gurukula."   
   (This is the last song He gave before His departure.)   
      
   Then He started to leave. As He often used to do in His charming way, He   
   stopped again outside and called me. "If you change the heart of people   
   through love, that is a spiritual transformation."   
      
   I said, "Baba, it is very difficult to change the hearts of people."   
      
   That is true, but nevertheless, you should try to change the hearts of people   
   within and without the organization."   
      
   He again turned to go. Again He stopped and called me. He said, "Have I left   
   you? No, I have not left you. Don't we keep meeting now and then?"   
      
   I was amazed. He placed His hands on my head. I felt a mist in my mind   
   disappear and an effulgent light begin to shine. I felt profoundly happy.   
      
   When this dhyána broke, I found my hands were full of my tears. A mixed   
   feeling of happiness and pain flooded me. From that day onwards, I never again   
   doubted His presence with us. Almost every night since then I wait for Him.   
      
   Somewhere in the astral world, He is in His causal body. He comes   
   unexpectedly, according to His whims and fancies. Our sádhaná. our labour, our   
   sweat, though important, do not seem to work here. Only His grace, ahaetuki   
   krpa, brings Him.   
      
   His mystery continues.   
      
   Baba’s Namah Shivaya Shantaya: Shivokti 11   
      
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)