From: user3274@newsgrouper.org.invalid   
      
   mpsilvertone@yahoo-dot-com.no-spam.invalid (HarryLime) posted:   
   > Will-Dockery wrote:   
   >   
   > > Sunglass   
   > >   
   > > "Sunglasses."  Since you say "a pair of sunglasses," the noun is always   
   plural.   
   > >   
   > > "This battered old shell looks like a death mask.   
   > >   
   > > A "shell" would be your complete body, but a "death mask" would only have   
   been taken from your face.   
   > >   
   > > You cannot refer to your face as a shell, since your face only covers a   
   small portion of your body.   
   > >   
   > > "Battered old" is pretty much redundant -- not to mention unimaginative.   
   > >   
   > > Try something a little less stale: "time worn," "battle scarred," "weather   
   beaten," or you could skipped the cliches altogether and go for something more   
   original like "I looked at Phenix City through a death mask."   
   > >   
   > > "Lucky or not I shall wear it as I walk into Phenix City. Though I   
   > > cheated in my gambling I wound up broke anyway."   
   > >   
   > > "Lucky or not" implies that you have already labeled your face as one   
   "lucky" or "unlucky."  You haven't.  So "lucky or not" is incorrect.   
   > >   
   > > "I stared at Phenix City through a death mask.   
   > >   
   > > A face like this couldn't possibly bring me luck.   
   > >   
   > > Lucky or not, I wore it through three hands of poker; and even though I   
   cheated, I still wound up broke."   
   > >   
   > > This "poem" reads more like prose than poetry, but if you keep the prose   
   fresh, it might work as a JD Senetto style slice of life.   
   > >   
   > > "And I come, and I pay the zombie w*ores and walking dead. While the   
   > > dark lady in sunglasses takes the halo from his clay head."   
   > >   
   > > And you blew it.   
   > >   
   > > Literally.  Shot your load in your already crusty blue jeans.  Why would   
   you need the services of zombie whores if you already came?   
   > >   
   > > And there you go again, using pronouns without first introducing the noun.   
   > >   
   > > If the head belonged to Clay the Gay, you would need to name Clay the Gay   
   *before* referring to him with a pronoun ("his").   
   > >   
   > > "Zombie whores" could be more original, but who are the "walking dead"   
   that you're paying?  If you're calling the whores both "zombies" and "walking   
   dead," you're being redundant.   
   > >   
   > > "I stared at Phenix City through a death mask.   
   > >   
   > > A face like this couldn't possibly bring me luck.   
   > >   
   > > Lucky or not, I wore it through three hands of poker; and even though I   
   cheated, I still wound up broke.   
   > >   
   > > I paid my last ten dollars to a zombie whore, while the   
   > > dark lady in sunglasses took the halo from my clay head."   
   > >   
   > > "One more trip over that bridge to the kissing booth. Where there's   
   > > smoke there may be fire and this time I got burned."   
   > >   
   > > Cliched homilies have no place in poetry.   
   > >   
   > > "I stared at Phenix City through a death mask.   
   > >   
   > > A face like this couldn't possibly bring me luck.   
   > >   
   > > Lucky or not, I wore it through three hands of poker; and even though I   
   cheated, I still wound up broke.   
   > >   
   > > I paid my last ten dollars to a zombie whore, while the   
   > > dark lady in sunglasses took the halo from my clay head.   
   > >   
   > > One last trip over the bridge to the kissing booth; but I got burned."   
   > >   
   > > Cut the dharma bum shit.  That's Kerouac, not Donkey.  Quit stealing other   
   people's lines, put-downs, and comebacks.   
   > >   
   > > "I walk this beach at midnight like a zen dharma beach bum. And I am   
   > > saved, and I turn."   
   > >   
   > > "I watch the drunken poets, and my lawyer. While the dark lady in   
   > > sunglasses takes the halo from his clay head."   
   > >   
   > > I don't believe that some bum gambling and whoring at Phenix City has a   
   lawyer.  A parole officer, maybe... but not a lawyer.   
   > >   
   > > Is the lawyer the clay headed one who loses his halo?  I don't think so,   
   but that's what your poem is saying.   
   > >   
   > > "I stared at Phenix City through a death mask.   
   > >   
   > > A face like this couldn't possibly bring me luck.   
   > >   
   > > Lucky or not, I wore it through three hands of poker; and even though I   
   cheated, I still wound up broke.   
   > >   
   > > I paid my last ten dollars to a zombie whore, while the   
   > > dark lady in sunglasses took the halo from my clay head.   
   > >   
   > > One last trip over the bridge to the kissing booth; but I got burned.   
   > >   
   > > I walk along the midnight beach; watch drunken poets dancing on the sand.   
   > >   
   > > The dark lady in the sunglasses takes the halo from my clay head."   
   > >   
   > > -Will Dockery (1997)   
   > >   
   > > ***   
   > > Original text restored, troll content removed.   
   >   
   > This is better   
      
   Thanks again for reading and commenting.   
      
   --   
   Poetry and songs of Will Dockery:   
   https://www.reverbnation.com/willdockery   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)