From: user3274@newsgrouper.org.invalid   
      
   mpsilvertone@yahoo-dot-com.no-spam.invalid (HarryLime) posted:   
      
   > > Will Dockery wrote:   
   > > mpsilvertone@yahoo-dot-com.no-spam.invalid (HarryLime) posted:   
   > >   
   > >> Will-Dockery wrote:   
   > >>   
   > >> Shattered   
   > >>   
   > >> The seconds have piled up   
   > >> at the floor   
   > >> lost here in some other guy's past   
   > >> lying there   
   > >> with your seconds piled   
   > >> there went by a life   
   > >> untold   
   > >> unasked   
   > >> going by   
   > >> never caused and never traced   
   > >> the future never ever appears here.   
   > >>   
   > >> If some morning I wake   
   > >> here for you   
   > >> trying to find some reason to return   
   > >> if I see things denied   
   > >> I once defined   
   > >> a life just passed me by there   
   > >> slipped through my fingers   
   > >> everything here now is real   
   > >> so wait.   
   > >> That portion of the finish   
   > >> never comes.   
   > >>   
   > >> Now that the lights are going so low   
   > >> the dimming glow   
   > >> falls on my ego   
   > >> now that I'm falling   
   > >> into my morning   
   > >> here I am gazing into those   
   > >> reflector eyes   
   > >> morning light   
   > >> is blasting my head clean too.   
   > >> Morning's clearer   
   > >> I've been forgetting it.   
   > >>   
   > >> Your thoughts seem to stream   
   > >> like a highway   
   > >> dimming lights seem to streak   
   > >> like hitch-hikers.   
   > >> When does this dream end?   
   > >> When do I get on up the road?   
   > >> The light sped out   
   > >> like a fire-fly   
   > >> like gravestones   
   > >> never noticed   
   > >> never seen.   
   > >> Like marbles   
   > >> spilling from shattered minds.   
   > >>   
   > >> -Will Dockery / August 20 1976   
   > >>   
   > >> ***   
   > >> (Published March 1977 in the Carverlite, the Carver High School   
   > >> newspaper, Columbus Georgia)   
   > >>   
   > >> From:   
   > >> https://shadowville-mythos.blogspot.com/2023/09/shattered.html?m=1   
   > >>   
   > >> I'll present "Neon Bones" similar to the way I presented this 1977 poem,   
   edited, retyped for 2026 readers.   
   > >>   
   > >> I would strongly suggest using a different editor.   
   > >>   
   > >   
   > >   
   > > Are you busy?   
   >   
   > While it's nice of you to ask, I am forced to decline.   
   >   
   > There are two reasons why I'm unable to do so:   
   >   
   > 1 )  It's impossible to edit a poem when I've no idea what the poem is   
   trying to say.   
   > 2 )  There are so many individual passages that don't work, and necessitate   
   a rewrite, that there would be little of your original poem left when I was   
   done.   
   >   
   > The most I can do at this point, is to point out the problems.   
      
   Thanks for the critique, I responded to a couple of your posts below, and will   
   respond to the rest on a point by point basis, since this post is so lengthy.   
      
   > > Shattered   
   >   
   > The title is good.  It's generic (I'm sure there are many amateur poems out   
   there with this title), but for me that is not a problem.  I use generic   
   titles all the time, as they tend to capture the poem's theme much better than   
   a unique title could.     
   It is also, in your poem, necessary for one to have some inkling as to what   
   the poem is about.  As far as I can make out, the poem is about "losing one's   
   marbles" (i.e., going insane as the result of some form of emotional trauma --   
   perhaps numerous    
   traumas).   
      
   Thanks, I can only think of one other work with the title, and I used the   
   title at least a year before they did.   
      
   > > The seconds have piled up   
   > > at the floor   
   >   
   > I believe that I've pointed out in the past that seconds do not pile up *at*   
   the floor.  They pile up (metaphorically, of course) *on* the floor.  A   
   grammatical flaw of that magnitude is the sort that would cause PJR's   
   proverbial "experienced readers"    
   to stop reading.   
   >   
   > "The seconds" is also wrong.  If "the seconds" is simply referring to   
   increments of time, it should be "Seconds have piled up on the floor."   
   >   
   > If "the seconds" refers to some specific seconds (as the use of "the"   
   implies), you would need to tell us *what* sort of seconds they are.  Here is   
   an example of what I mean" "The seconds of our affair replay themselves in my   
   memory."   
   >   
   > When used to indicate specificity, the use of "the" requires an explanatory   
   "of."   
   >   
   > In addition, you fail to address *why* the seconds feel as though they're   
   piled on the floor (or what this metaphor even implies).  When you think about   
   it (and poetry is an art form that *requires* the reader to examine it in   
   detail), we don't know    
   where seconds are supposed to go once they pass.  One could argue (and I think   
   this may actually be your point) that when measuring time with hourglass, the   
   grains of sand (representing seconds) pile up on the floor (or the base of the   
   hourglass).   
   >   
   > If so, the entire passage/metaphor is unwieldy for the sake of unwieldiness.   
   >   
   > "Seconds pile up" would be all that you would need to say in order to   
   adequately express the concept.  "Time passes slowly," "each moment seems an   
   eternity," and dozens of other common expressions are more than sufficient to   
   get your idea across.   
   >   
   > Placing the spent seconds specifically on the floor, indicates that the   
   floor holds some special significance to the poem.  Which, AFAICS, is not the   
   case.   
   >   
   > > lost here in some other guy's past   
   > > lying there   
   > > with your seconds piled   
   >   
   > This passage is highly problematic for several reasons.   
   >   
   > The first line requires a subject and verb: "I AM lost here in some other   
   guy's past."  Added the subject and verb not only turns a sentence fragment   
   into a complete sentence, but it *tells* the reader what the lines are   
   referring to.   
   >   
   > The use of "here" is at odds with the content.  The speaker opens the poem   
   in the present tense ("The seconds have"), so "here" (which denotes the "here   
   and now") would be at odds with "some other guy's past."  The correct way to   
   write this is " lost    
   in some other guy's past."   
   >   
   > But if the speaker (or someone he's speaking of) is lost in "some other   
   guy's past," the "other guy" whose past the speaker is lost in, should be   
   identified at some point in the narrative.   
   >   
   > My guess is that you are trying to say that the speaker feels as if they are   
   lost in a past that is so out of character for their present conception of who   
   they are, that it seems as if it belongs to a different person.   
   >   
   > If this is the case, you should switch out "some other guy's" for "someone   
   else's."  "Someone else's" is more generic/less specific; whereas "some other   
   guy's" misleads the reader into thinking it alludes to a specific (though   
   unspecified) person who    
   the speaker has not yet named.   
   >   
   > The next line, "lying there," is best described as sounding as if it had   
   been lifted from a screenplay by Ed D. Wood, Jr.   
   >   
   > "Here" and "there" are opposites, and the juxtaposition of them within the   
   same sentence fragment, is disconcertingly ridiculous.  Everyone who reads it   
   is immediately going to react with a "WTF?"   
   >   
      
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