From: cujo@petitmorte.net   
      
   nancygene.andjayme@gmail-dot-com.no-spam.invalid (NancyGene) wrote in   
   news:QOacnfkrFsMYYQX0nZ2dnZfqn_udnZ2d@giganews.com:   
      
   >> HarryLime wrote:   
   >>   
   >>> Will Dockery wrote:   
   >>> mpsilvertone@yahoo-dot-com.no-spam.invalid (HarryLime) posted:   
   >>>   
   >>>> Will-Dockery wrote:   
   >>>>   
   >>>> Shattered   
   >>>>   
   >>>> The seconds have piled up   
   >>>> at the floor   
   >>>> lost here in some other guy's past   
   >>>> lying there   
   >>>> with your seconds piled   
   >>>> there went by a life   
   >>>> untold   
   >>>> unasked   
   >>>> going by   
   >>>> never caused and never traced   
   >>>> the future never ever appears here.   
   >>>>   
   >>>> If some morning I wake   
   >>>> here for you   
   >>>> trying to find some reason to return   
   >>>> if I see things denied   
   >>>> I once defined   
   >>>> a life just passed me by there   
   >>>> slipped through my fingers   
   >>>> everything here now is real   
   >>>> so wait.   
   >>>> That portion of the finish   
   >>>> never comes.   
   >>>>   
   >>>> Now that the lights are going so low   
   >>>> the dimming glow   
   >>>> falls on my ego   
   >>>> now that I'm falling   
   >>>> into my morning   
   >>>> here I am gazing into those   
   >>>> reflector eyes   
   >>>> morning light   
   >>>> is blasting my head clean too.   
   >>>> Morning's clearer   
   >>>> I've been forgetting it.   
   >>>>   
   >>>> Your thoughts seem to stream   
   >>>> like a highway   
   >>>> dimming lights seem to streak   
   >>>> like hitch-hikers.   
   >>>> When does this dream end?   
   >>>> When do I get on up the road?   
   >>>> The light sped out   
   >>>> like a fire-fly   
   >>>> like gravestones   
   >>>> never noticed   
   >>>> never seen.   
   >>>> Like marbles   
   >>>> spilling from shattered minds.   
   >>>>   
   >>>> -Will Dockery / August 20 1976   
   >>>>   
   >>>> ***   
   >>>> (Published March 1977 in the Carverlite, the Carver High School   
   >>>> newspaper, Columbus Georgia)   
   >>>>   
   >>>> From:   
   >>>> https://shadowville-mythos.blogspot.com/2023/09/shattered.html?m=1   
   >>>>   
   >>>> I'll present "Neon Bones" similar to the way I presented this 1977   
   >>>> poem, edited, retyped for 2026 readers.   
   >>>>   
   >>>> I would strongly suggest using a different editor.   
   >>>>   
   >>>   
   >>>   
   >>> Are you busy?   
   >>>   
   >>>   
   >>   
   >>   
   >> While it's nice of you to ask, I am forced to decline.   
   >>   
   >> There are two reasons why I'm unable to do so:   
   >>   
   >> 1 )  It's impossible to edit a poem when I've no idea what the poem   
   >> is trying to say. 2 )  There are so many individual passages that   
   >> don't work, and necessitate a rewrite, that there would be little of   
   >> your original poem left when I was done.   
   >>   
   >> The most I can do at this point, is to point out the problems.   
   >>   
   >> > Shattered   
   >>   
   >> The title is good.  It's generic (I'm sure there are many amateur   
   >> poems out there with this title), but for me that is not a problem.   
   >> I use generic titles all the time, as they tend to capture the poem's   
   >> theme much better than a unique title could.  It is also, in your   
   >> poem, necessary for one to have some inkling as to what the poem is   
   >> about.  As far as I can make out, the poem is about "losing one's   
   >> marbles" (i.e., going insane as the result of some form of emotional   
   >> trauma -- perhaps numerous traumas).   
   >>   
   >> > The seconds have piled up   
   >> > at the floor   
   >>   
   >> I believe that I've pointed out in the past that seconds do not pile   
   >> up *at* the floor.  They pile up (metaphorically, of course) *on* the   
   >> floor.  A grammatical flaw of that magnitude is the sort that would   
   >> cause PJR's proverbial "experienced readers" to stop reading.   
   >>   
   >> "The seconds" is also wrong.  If "the seconds" is simply referring to   
   >> increments of time, it should be "Seconds have piled up on the   
   >> floor."   
   >>   
   >> If "the seconds" refers to some specific seconds (as the use of "the"   
   >> implies), you would need to tell us *what* sort of seconds they are.   
   >> Here is an example of what I mean" "The seconds of our affair replay   
   >> themselves in my memory."   
   >>   
   >> When used to indicate specificity, the use of "the" requires an   
   >> explanatory "of."   
   >>   
   >> In addition, you fail to address *why* the seconds feel as though   
   >> they're piled on the floor (or what this metaphor even implies).   
   >> When you think about it (and poetry is an art form that *requires*   
   >> the reader to examine it in detail), we don't know where seconds are   
   >> supposed to go once they pass.  One could argue (and I think this may   
   >> actually be your point) that when measuring time with hourglass, the   
   >> grains of sand (representing seconds) pile up on the floor (or the   
   >> base of the hourglass).   
   >>   
   >> If so, the entire passage/metaphor is unwieldy for the sake of   
   >> unwieldiness.   
   >>   
   >> "Seconds pile up" would be all that you would need to say in order to   
   >> adequately express the concept.  "Time passes slowly," "each moment   
   >> seems an eternity," and dozens of other common expressions are more   
   >> than sufficient to get your idea across.   
   >>   
   >> Placing the spent seconds specifically on the floor, indicates that   
   >> the floor holds some special significance to the poem.  Which,   
   >> AFAICS, is not the case.   
   >>   
   >> > lost here in some other guy's past   
   >> > lying there   
   >> > with your seconds piled   
   >>   
   >> This passage is highly problematic for several reasons.   
   >>   
   >> The first line requires a subject and verb: "I AM lost here in some   
   >> other guy's past."  Added the subject and verb not only turns a   
   >> sentence fragment into a complete sentence, but it *tells* the reader   
   >> what the lines are referring to.   
   >>   
   >> The use of "here" is at odds with the content.  The speaker opens the   
   >> poem in the present tense ("The seconds have"), so "here" (which   
   >> denotes the "here and now") would be at odds with "some other guy's   
   >> past."  The correct way to write this is " lost in some other guy's   
   >> past."   
   >>   
   >> But if the speaker (or someone he's speaking of) is lost in "some   
   >> other guy's past," the "other guy" whose past the speaker is lost in,   
   >> should be identified at some point in the narrative.   
   >>   
   >> My guess is that you are trying to say that the speaker feels as if   
   >> they are lost in a past that is so out of character for their present   
   >> conception of who they are, that it seems as if it belongs to a   
   >> different person.   
   >>   
   >> If this is the case, you should switch out "some other guy's" for   
   >> "someone else's."  "Someone else's" is more generic/less specific;   
   >> whereas "some other guy's" misleads the reader into thinking it   
   >> alludes to a specific (though unspecified) person who the speaker has   
   >> not yet named.   
   >>   
   >> The next line, "lying there," is best described as sounding as if it   
   >> had been lifted from a screenplay by Ed D. Wood, Jr.   
   >>   
   >> "Here" and "there" are opposites, and the juxtaposition of them   
   >> within the same sentence fragment, is disconcertingly ridiculous.   
   >> Everyone who reads it is immediately going to react with a "WTF?"   
   >>   
   >> BTW: The comparison with Ed D. Wood applies to your poetry in   
      
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