From: cujo@petitmorte.net   
      
   nancygene.andjayme@gmail-dot-com.no-spam.invalid (NancyGene) wrote in   
   news:dOmcnbo0OLOHmQT0nZ2dnZfqnPadnZ2d@giganews.com:   
      
   >> Cujo DeSockpuppet wrote:   
   >> nancygene.andjayme@gmail-dot-com.no-spam.invalid (NancyGene) wrote in   
   >> news:QOacnfkrFsMYYQX0nZ2dnZfqn_udnZ2d@giganews.com:   
   >>   
   >>   
   >>> HarryLime wrote:   
   >>>   
   >>> Will Dockery wrote:   
   >>> mpsilvertone@yahoo-dot-com.no-spam.invalid (HarryLime) posted:   
   >>>   
   >>> Will-Dockery wrote:   
   >>>   
   >>> Shattered   
   >>>   
   >>> The seconds have piled up   
   >>> at the floor   
   >>> lost here in some other guy's past   
   >>> lying there   
   >>> with your seconds piled   
   >>> there went by a life   
   >>> untold   
   >>> unasked   
   >>> going by   
   >>> never caused and never traced   
   >>> the future never ever appears here.   
   >>>   
   >>> If some morning I wake   
   >>> here for you   
   >>> trying to find some reason to return   
   >>> if I see things denied   
   >>> I once defined   
   >>> a life just passed me by there   
   >>> slipped through my fingers   
   >>> everything here now is real   
   >>> so wait.   
   >>> That portion of the finish   
   >>> never comes.   
   >>>   
   >>> Now that the lights are going so low   
   >>> the dimming glow   
   >>> falls on my ego   
   >>> now that I'm falling   
   >>> into my morning   
   >>> here I am gazing into those   
   >>> reflector eyes   
   >>> morning light   
   >>> is blasting my head clean too.   
   >>> Morning's clearer   
   >>> I've been forgetting it.   
   >>>   
   >>> Your thoughts seem to stream   
   >>> like a highway   
   >>> dimming lights seem to streak   
   >>> like hitch-hikers.   
   >>> When does this dream end?   
   >>> When do I get on up the road?   
   >>> The light sped out   
   >>> like a fire-fly   
   >>> like gravestones   
   >>> never noticed   
   >>> never seen.   
   >>> Like marbles   
   >>> spilling from shattered minds.   
   >>>   
   >>> -Will Dockery / August 20 1976   
   >>>   
   >>> ***   
   >>> (Published March 1977 in the Carverlite, the Carver High School   
   >>> newspaper, Columbus Georgia)   
   >>>   
   >>> From:   
   >>> https://shadowville-mythos.blogspot.com/2023/09/shattered.html?m=1   
   >>>   
   >>> I'll present "Neon Bones" similar to the way I presented this 1977   
   >>> poem, edited, retyped for 2026 readers.   
   >>>   
   >>> I would strongly suggest using a different editor.   
   >>>   
   >>>   
   >>>   
   >>> Are you busy?   
   >>>   
   >>>   
   >>>   
   >>>   
   >>> While it's nice of you to ask, I am forced to decline.   
   >>>   
   >>> There are two reasons why I'm unable to do so:   
   >>>   
   >>> 1 )  It's impossible to edit a poem when I've no idea what the poem   
   >>> is trying to say. 2 )  There are so many individual passages that   
   >>> don't work, and necessitate a rewrite, that there would be little of   
   >>> your original poem left when I was done.   
   >>>   
   >>> The most I can do at this point, is to point out the problems.   
   >>>   
   >>> Shattered   
   >>>   
   >>> The title is good.  It's generic (I'm sure there are many amateur   
   >>> poems out there with this title), but for me that is not a problem.   
   >>> I use generic titles all the time, as they tend to capture the   
   >>> poem's theme much better than a unique title could.  It is also, in   
   >>> your poem, necessary for one to have some inkling as to what the   
   >>> poem is about.  As far as I can make out, the poem is about "losing   
   >>> one's marbles" (i.e., going insane as the result of some form of   
   >>> emotional trauma -- perhaps numerous traumas).   
   >>>   
   >>> The seconds have piled up   
   >>> at the floor   
   >>>   
   >>> I believe that I've pointed out in the past that seconds do not pile   
   >>> up *at* the floor.  They pile up (metaphorically, of course) *on*   
   >>> the floor.  A grammatical flaw of that magnitude is the sort that   
   >>> would cause PJR's proverbial "experienced readers" to stop reading.   
   >>>   
   >>> "The seconds" is also wrong.  If "the seconds" is simply referring   
   >>> to increments of time, it should be "Seconds have piled up on the   
   >>> floor."   
   >>>   
   >>> If "the seconds" refers to some specific seconds (as the use of   
   >>> "the" implies), you would need to tell us *what* sort of seconds   
   >>> they are. Here is an example of what I mean" "The seconds of our   
   >>> affair replay themselves in my memory."   
   >>>   
   >>> When used to indicate specificity, the use of "the" requires an   
   >>> explanatory "of."   
   >>>   
   >>> In addition, you fail to address *why* the seconds feel as though   
   >>> they're piled on the floor (or what this metaphor even implies).   
   >>> When you think about it (and poetry is an art form that *requires*   
   >>> the reader to examine it in detail), we don't know where seconds are   
   >>> supposed to go once they pass.  One could argue (and I think this   
   >>> may actually be your point) that when measuring time with hourglass,   
   >>> the grains of sand (representing seconds) pile up on the floor (or   
   >>> the base of the hourglass).   
   >>>   
   >>> If so, the entire passage/metaphor is unwieldy for the sake of   
   >>> unwieldiness.   
   >>>   
   >>> "Seconds pile up" would be all that you would need to say in order   
   >>> to adequately express the concept.  "Time passes slowly," "each   
   >>> moment seems an eternity," and dozens of other common expressions   
   >>> are more than sufficient to get your idea across.   
   >>>   
   >>> Placing the spent seconds specifically on the floor, indicates that   
   >>> the floor holds some special significance to the poem.  Which,   
   >>> AFAICS, is not the case.   
   >>>   
   >>> lost here in some other guy's past   
   >>> lying there   
   >>> with your seconds piled   
   >>>   
   >>> This passage is highly problematic for several reasons.   
   >>>   
   >>> The first line requires a subject and verb: "I AM lost here in some   
   >>> other guy's past."  Added the subject and verb not only turns a   
   >>> sentence fragment into a complete sentence, but it *tells* the   
   >>> reader what the lines are referring to.   
   >>>   
   >>> The use of "here" is at odds with the content.  The speaker opens   
   >>> the poem in the present tense ("The seconds have"), so "here" (which   
   >>> denotes the "here and now") would be at odds with "some other guy's   
   >>> past."  The correct way to write this is " lost in some other guy's   
   >>> past."   
   >>>   
   >>> But if the speaker (or someone he's speaking of) is lost in "some   
   >>> other guy's past," the "other guy" whose past the speaker is lost   
   >>> in, should be identified at some point in the narrative.   
   >>>   
   >>> My guess is that you are trying to say that the speaker feels as if   
   >>> they are lost in a past that is so out of character for their   
   >>> present conception of who they are, that it seems as if it belongs   
   >>> to a different person.   
   >>>   
   >>> If this is the case, you should switch out "some other guy's" for   
   >>> "someone else's."  "Someone else's" is more generic/less specific;   
   >>> whereas "some other guy's" misleads the reader into thinking it   
   >>> alludes to a specific (though unspecified) person who the speaker   
   >>> has not yet named.   
   >>>   
   >>> The next line, "lying there," is best described as sounding as if it   
   >>> had been lifted from a screenplay by Ed D. Wood, Jr.   
   >>>   
   >>> "Here" and "there" are opposites, and the juxtaposition of them   
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-DOS v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)