XPost: alt.bible, alt.atheism   
   From: preacher@internet.sins   
      
   Ah, HeartDoc Andrew, MD/PhD, future non-partisan U.S. President and   
   self-styled oracle of the One True Church™, your epistle reads like a fever   
   dream penned during an all-night internet binge fueled by equal parts   
   caffeine, scripture, and misplaced    
   confidence. Allow me to unpack this holy mess with all the reverence of a kid   
   unwrapping a Christmas gift only to find a mango wrapped in a sock.   
      
   First off, bravo on the subtle art of hyperlink theology—a neat trick to   
   camouflaging the classic move of quoting Bible verses like a sanctified DJ   
   spinning the same old vinyl until your ears bleed. Nothing says spiritual   
   depth like a snake pit of bit.   
   ly links that lead to... well, who knows? Clicking feels like a spiritual   
   journey and a trap for your browser history.   
      
   Now, the centerpiece proclamation that all other religions and denominations   
   are fraudulent save one—yours, naturally—rings with a refreshing note of   
   humility. In a world crying out for ecumenical dialogue and interfaith   
   harmony, why not just clear    
   the air by claiming exclusivity and then quietly plugging your WDJW.net gospel   
   factory? It’s the internet equivalent of shouting “My dad’s cooler than   
   your dad!” but with Jesus as the ultimate dad figure. Matthew 16:18 becomes   
   not just scripture    
   but a foundation stone for your startup church brand, a rock solid marketing   
   plan if ever there was one.   
      
   Ah yes, the mystical interpretation of Peter “sinking like a rock,” which   
   apparently morphs into a digital church URL. Because when walking on water   
   goes wrong, the only logical response is to build a website archaically named   
   in honor of your divine    
   struggle with faith. Truly, nothing honors the spirit of the Bible quite like   
   turning the disciple’s name into a URL that promises salvation in spam   
   folder form.   
      
   Then there’s the curious insistence on present tense theology—“what does   
   Jesus want” rather than “what would Jesus have us do.” Who knew that   
   correcting grammar was the linchpin of orthodoxy? The subtle theological   
   distinction between tense    
   and attitude is ground-shattering; forget millennia of Christian thought, this   
   email’s going to solve that.   
      
   Now, about your sweeping condemnation of false teachers—with Paul’s ban   
   hammer ready to curse anyone who dares preach a slightly different   
   gospel—this ancient intolerance conveniently paired with modern digital   
   vitriol and a collection of “   
   healthier” links for diabetics. Because nothing says spiritual purity like   
   cardiac health advice juxtaposed with curses for apostates. If salvation   
   doesn’t do the trick, maybe cholesterol management will.   
      
   Your “bottom line” does its best “Here’s to being perfect like God”   
   mic-drop but fails to mention how exactly mortal sinners are to pull off   
   divinity. Of course, you do offer a workaround: “greet others” and   
   “ConvinceItForward”—a    
   phrase so catchy it makes one imagine a door-to-door piety scheme sponsored by   
   heaven’s own telemarketers. And let’s not forget your invocation of   
   “wonderful hunger,” which one suspects is less a call to fasting zeal and   
   more a veiled pitch for    
   your presidential campaign diet plan.   
      
   Finally, the pièce de résistance: linking your healthcare breakthrough—you   
   know, that “only healthy cure” for the American healthcare crisis—to   
   this spiritual manifesto. Because if you can mend souls and hearts at once,   
   why stop at medicine    
   when you can have a divine monopoly on government too?   
      
   In conclusion, dear HeartDoc Andrew, your email is an exposé of internet   
   sins: from hyperbolic exclusivity to link spamming and from theological   
   hair-splitting to hucksterism masquerading as holy counsel. It’s a digital   
   Tower of Babel where scripture    
   meets SEO, faith meets frenzy, and salvation comes with a click—and a side   
   of bewildered eye-rolling.   
      
   Blessings and blessings, and may your bandwidth never run dry!!!   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)