This is hilarious! Now that it's 2020.   
      
   On Saturday, May 30, 1998 at 12:00:00 AM UTC-7, Bill Nalty wrote:   
   > Universal Press Syndicate   
   > May 27, 1998   
   >   
   > THINGS TO COME   
   >   
   > Joseph Sobran   
   >   
   > WASHINGTON -- In the year 2020, this country will be hard to recognize. But   
   > by extrapolating from current trends, we can make a few safe predictions:   
   >   
   > -- We will elect a U.S. president with hair dyed green and a pierced   
   > tongue. His vice president will be a transsexual. Conservatives will call   
   > for a return to the standards of Bill Clinton.   
   >   
   > -- The election will be decided when the Republican candidate, already   
   > trailing badly, admits having smoked a cigarette in college. And inhaling.   
   >   
   > -- A baseball hit by Mark McGwire in St. Louis in June 1998 will land.   
   >   
   > -- The U.S. Supreme Court, led by Chief Justice Johnnie Cochran, will rule   
   > unanimously that hate speech -- such as pedophobia (disapproval of   
   > pedophilia) -- is not protected by the First Amendment. The president will   
   > appoint a National Commission on Pedophobia to investigate the "scourge of   
   > pedophobia" and to tabulate pedophobic incidents.   
   >   
   > -- The sports world will buzz with unfounded rumors that Michael Jordan   
   > plans to retire at the end of the season.   
   >   
   > -- The Democrat-controlled Congress will vote to change the name of Ronald   
   > Reagan National Airport to Janet Reno National Airport.   
   >   
   > -- The owner of a major-league baseball team will issue a tearful apology   
   > for suggesting that some cultures are different from others. Mollified   
   > minority spokesmen will retract threats to kill him.   
   >   
   > -- Federal Reserve chairman Al Franken will announce a hike in prime   
   > interest rates, saying, "I've always wanted to announce a hike in prime   
   > interest rates, whatever that means." He will reverse himself too late to   
   > prevent an international stock market collapse, adding, "Some people can't   
   > take a joke."   
   >   
   > -- Only one live actor will be nominated for an Academy Award. All the   
   > other movies made that year will have starred computer-generated dinosaurs,   
   > except for those featuring Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon.   
   >   
   > -- As the president and Congress celebrate a balanced budget, the national   
   > debt reaches $1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. The president will   
   > soothe anxieties by pointing out that, after all, "We owe it to ourselves,   
   > plus a few foreign bankers."   
   >   
   > -- Bob Dole will make several appearances on a late-night talk show hosted   
   > by Leonardo DiCaprio. Each will remark on how well the other is aging.   
   >   
   > -- On another network, Jay Leno will mark an important milestone with his   
   > 10,000th Viagra joke. This occasion will be marred by the explosion of   
   > Leno's simmering feud with Johnny Carson, who will scoff: "That's nothing.   
   > I did 20,000 Dolly Parton jokes."   
   >   
   > -- Attorney General Snoop Doggy Dogg will announce that the Justice   
   > Department is finally dropping its antitrust action against Microsoft.   
   >   
   > -- Congress will promise to reform the Internal Revenue Service after IRS   
   > agents are found collecting ears of taxpayers as trophies.   
   >   
   > -- A 111-year-old Romanian immigrant will be deported as a war criminal.   
   >   
   > -- In a historic ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court, upholding a federal law   
   > banning slingshots, will declare the Second Amendment unconstitutional.   
   >   
   > -- A national controversy will erupt when a porn film star, during a live   
   > White House performance, utters an ethnic slur.   
   >   
   > -- Most of the population will be glued to the television set as Jerry   
   > Springer's historic final show is broadcast. Special guests will include a   
   > former president and his former wife. An unstaged fight will erupt.   
   >   
   > COPYRIGHT 1998 UNIVERSAL PRESS SYNDICATE   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)