XPost: alt.alien.vampire.flonk.flonk.flonk, alt.usenet.kooks, re   
   .aviation.military   
   From: sharon@lart.com   
      
   On Thu, 31 Jan 2008 23:39:24 -0800,  wrote in   
   :   
      
   >   
   >"Sharon B"  wrote in message   
   >news:fnu7tm$ir3$1@blackhelicopter.databasix.com...   
   [...]   
   >> Please allow me to assist in the simple, uncomplicated way that I   
   >> have.   
   >> :   
   >>   
   >> Southern Tourism Bureau Notice to all visiting Northerners   
   >> And Northeastern Urbanites:   
   >>   
   >> 1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's   
   >> just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook   
   >> something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.   
   >>   
   >> 2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther   
   >> Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, Clovis, etc.). Or   
   >> we will just HAVE to kick your ass.   
   >>   
   >> 3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here   
   >> it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC,   
   >> Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever -- it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing   
   >> otherwise can lead to an ass-kicking.   
   >>   
   >>   
   >> 4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you   
   >> (e.g.,Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and   
   >> generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or   
   >> we'll kick your ass.   
   >>   
   >> 5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex,   
   >> Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do,   
   >> sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Edwards, Duke, Barnes,   
   >> Clinton). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We are not dumb   
   >> enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the   
   >> Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their ass.   
   >>   
   >> 6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to   
   >> Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett   
   >> up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of   
   >> Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the   
   >> carving, we'll kick your ass.   
   >>   
   >>   
   >> 7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell   
   >> up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick   
   >> your ass.   
   >>   
   >> 8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly   
   >> know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended -- with   
   >> gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.   
   >>   
   >> 9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will   
   >> get your ass kicked.   
   >>   
   >> 10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we   
   >> know better. Many of us have visited Northern shitholes like Detroit,   
   >> Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like   
   >> it here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it   
   >> gets kicked.   
   >>   
   >> 11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because   
   >> we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand   
   >> what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are   
   >> saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone,   
   >> or we'll kick your ass.   
   >>   
   >> 12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR   
   >> lakes or rivers have caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR   
   >> scenic beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.   
   >>   
   >> 13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say sir and ma'am. We hold   
   >> doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such   
   >> things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our   
   >> sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners   
   >> into your ass just like they did ours.   
   >>   
   >> 14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the   
   >> countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in   
   >> filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore.   
   >> Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.   
   >>   
   >> 15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how   
   >> to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is   
   >> kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our   
   >> barbeque, and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your ass!   
   >   
   >OMG, that is just beautiful!!   
   >   
   >*awards Sharon B The Southern Cross*   
      
   I wish I could take credit for that, but it's published all   
   over...author unknown.   
      
   There's another one that roachie has, if I can find it (or remember   
   enough of how it went to google it...damn Senior Moments).   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)