From: Beaver_Fever@live.com   
      
   almost started to feel over it   
      
   mainly because some things I found out provided some relief   
      
   then I came across her profile on POF   
      
   so I just deleted my profile which I sorta turned into a joke anyway   
      
   so much for that LTR she told me about   
      
   unless she got dumped, then that would be funny   
      
   worst experience of my adult life (did not have happy childhood)   
      
   seriously, the last few months have been pure unrelenting hell   
      
   couldn't even listen to my music to give you an idea how bad it was   
      
   I can't believe I did this to myself.   
      
   I thought because I had really unexpected and unplanned financial and business   
   success it would be enough to overcome my own personality, perhaps someone   
   else could see the value, appreciate what I was able to accomplish,   
      
   well except someone did   
      
   one of the strangest most surreal thing that ever happened to me   
      
   maybe one of three adult crushes who ended up being a good friend going on 20   
   years   
      
   would think about her all the time   
      
   but so out of my league came on to me hard, we made it happen, then it went   
   badly, she said some things that I didn't take well so I sorta ghosted her   
      
   barely thought of her again   
      
   that's the short version   
      
   but she saw the success, even told me how amazed she was with what i did   
      
   a little bummed at first but felt empowered like I could make it happen again   
   and the self esteem boost that I won't let myself get mistreated even by   
   someone I was infatuated with almost half my life   
      
   only now I realized we are not even friends anymore and that hurts too   
      
   tho I still live in minimum wage squalor which is a real problem and   
   hinderance,   
      
    no one but tax man and mom even has any idea, extreme frugality or just so   
   lacking in life skills I had no idea what to do except keep being the same me,   
   which is all i ever wanted, plus security and minus loneliness   
      
   thought I could make something, anything, happen. I mean if that dude a week   
   off the streets has something going on then so could I   
      
   seemed like last Sep/Oct I had forward momentum, something better was   
   inevitible, just had to keep forging ahead, then it just started to unravel   
      
   at least I got a few more better pics for my collection off the new proifle   
      
   so beautiful, so blunt, so honest at least I thought, such a strong   
   personality almost unlike anyone i ever met   
      
   at least I allegedly got to pop that post divorce cherry   
      
   at least the casual friend I never called again after I met her we were able   
   to pick up where we left off though I feel nothing, means nothing, it's just   
   ... there   
      
   And took some huge personal and financial risks I would not have taken if I   
   had been thinking rationally   
      
   which paid off   
      
   like crazy stupid money, almost what i used to make in a year   
      
   but it's like video game addiction clicking for points, it doesn't even feel   
   real, and this time felt nothing like whatevs, what do i do now   
      
   no idea what money is good for   
      
   what it can do for me   
      
   hate seeming like total greedhead but don't even know what to do with myself   
   otherwise and with funding bottleneck can't even work like i want to, like I   
   have the past few weeks, mainly rage and grief filled activity   
      
   but no way I can even put myself thru this again   
      
   i tried, tho i had no idea what I was doing or that it could turn out so bad   
   for me, damage me so deeply and permanently   
      
   and now the future looks like nothing but emptiness, forever   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)