From: nebusj-@-rpi-.edu   
      
   Max is:   
   	- Not being come on to.  Conan flossed.   
      
      
   Conologue:   
   	- David Beckham is coming to America.  The Los Angeles   
   Galaxy ticket sales have skyrocketed; they've sold two tickets.   
      
   	- Barry Bonds tested positive for amphetamines.  His   
   amphetamines tested positive for steroids.   
      
   	- Kirstie Alley had her 56th birthday.  There was one   
   candle and 56 cakes.  (None for good luck?)   
      
   	- New York City will have its own brand of condoms, in   
   different wrappers for the different subway lines.  Take the F   
   train to the G spot.   
      
   	- Censored versions of the Sopranos began airing.  People   
   seeing the cleaned version say it frigging sucks.   
      
   	- China has a surplus of 30 million single men.  Or as   
   Elton John calls it, an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet.   
      
      
   Clutch Cargo George W Bush:   
   	- He picked 21,500 troops: they needed six thousand, so   
   doubled it.  He believes the fighting is the Shi'ites jealous of   
   the Sunni Playstations.  He didn't get one for Christmas.   
   	   
   	- Troops will go door-to-door to earn Iraqi trust.   
   Fortunately there's only seven working doors left.  Soldiers will   
   approach with giant checks from Publisher's Clearinghouse.  It's   
   how they found Zaqari.  His family's still getting Sports   
   Illustrated.  And has a football phone.  He just wants to say to   
   the terrorists, operators are standing by.   
      
      
   Clutch Cargo Barbara Bush:   
   	- She wants us to lay off her kid; can't you see he's not   
   right in the head?  She slips into Popeye.  She didn't see the   
   speech; it was nickel wings night at the bar.  She had to put up   
   with that endless Ford funeral.   
      
      
   Clutch Cargo Donald Trump:   
   	- He thinks Barbara Bush is Rosie O'Donnell, and has   
   really let herself go.  He has an open letter to Iraq.   
   ``Congratulations on hitting rock-bottom.  You're violet, you're   
   fat and never been funny.''  And Syria called him to say   
   something incomprehensible.  How will this solve the problems in   
   Iraq?   
      
      
      
   Keifer Sutherland:   
   	- Last time he was promoting 'I Trust You To Kill Me',   
   promoting one of his bands.  He tried to tackle a Christmas tree.   
     There's no good explanation.  They put it back, but there was   
   this indentation of his body in it.  He was trying to be funny.   
      
   	- HIs show's growing more popular still.  Friends tell   
   two friends, and they tell two friends, like that old commercial.   
    The show made his mom too nervous.   
      
   	- They're making a Jack Bauer action figure.  They tried   
   a few weeks ago, and sent dolls for his approval, but he and a   
   friend ``took the doll out for a night'' to have some fun.   
   Around 11 they started torturing him, and by 2 am set him on fire   
   in the parking lot.  His clothes didn't burn.  They needed the   
   doll back.  It took a year to make.  He's been apologizing since.   
      
   	- He does heli-skiing.  The helicopter drops you on your   
   skis.  It gets you ranges others don't.  You don't jump out of   
   the helicopter, but it would be cool.  It's very relieving to be   
   done.   
      
   	- For the new season of 24: It starts with Jack Bauer   
   ready to give up his life, and find it a releif.   
      
      
   Jebediah Long, Amish Porn Star:   
   	- Has the card for next week's guests.  Did ye order a   
   pizza?  Did ye want extra sausage?   
   	   
      
   Jill Hennesey:   
   	- She questions her parenting abilities.  She gives her   
   pints of soda or cranberry juice, and it's sure to get her   
   arrested someday.  His son does Napoleon Dynamite dances, takes   
   off his clothes and dances.  Conan suspects there's some Napoleon   
   Dynamite in all of us, for the goofiness.   
      
   	- Crossing Jordan's cast knows one another a little too   
   much by now.  They get a little too personal.  It may cross over   
   into sexual harassment.  They get training sessions with videos   
   with ``outstanding acting'' from Conan.  The camera switches to   
   Max as they talk sexual harassment.   
      
   	- Recently for a show she was locked in a coffin by   
   accident.  She couldn't be found for about ten minutes.  Left her   
   *quite* shaken.  Jeff Zucker, head of NBC, was there.   
      
      
   Gym Class Heroes   
   	- From `As Cruel as Schoolchildren', some song I didn't   
   quite get the wave of.   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)