From: nebusj-@-rpi-.edu   
      
   Max is:   
   	- Sarcastic.   
      
      
   Conologue:   
   	- The astronaut charged with attempted murder: the audience just   
   stepped out a time capsule.  BB gun, mallet, pepper spray used after she   
   drove 900 miles wearing a diaper.  NASA may need to add a new question   
   to the astronaut entrance exam.  She was trying to kidnap the other   
   woman as they were both in love with the same astronaut.  He was hoping   
   to get some Tang.  He likes the solemn applause.  93 million viewers   
   watched the Super Bowl. Usually that many Americans watching a show   
   involves a drunk Paula Abdul.  ``You were great!''  ``That's a   
   radiator.''  Tom Tankrido is forming a presidential exploratory   
   committee.  The committee won't be paid but will get some sweet jobs in   
   the Tankrido administration.  Conan's keeping the guy who laughed.  The   
   most popular pastime for senior citizens is surfing the web.  Many just   
   think they're surfing and are actually using a toaster.  Ted Haggard has   
   finished a three-week sex ed program; he says he's completely   
   heterosexual.  He'll prove it by having sex only with men who are   
   completely heterosexual.  Cut to La Bamba.   
      
      
   Walkover Music: Was that ``Everybody Dance'' from the Kinks?   
   	- Did you step outside, Max?  It's frigid.  So you did?  They're   
   building an arc backstage.  Dispensing hot chocolate is Vomiting Kermit.   
    And for whipped cream, the Masturbating Bear.  Wait, what did *you*   
   think was going to happen?  The Kermit puppeteer falls asleep, and then   
   resumes vomiting.  A *lot*.  Conan puts $20 on more vomit.   
   	   
      
   NBC has a made-for-TV movie about the election.  The cast list   
   (spelling approximated):   
   	- Joe Biden: Bob Barker.   
   	- Barak Obama: Colts coach Tony Dungee.   
   	- John McCain: Tim Conway.   
   	- Sam Brownback: Moamar Ghadafi.  Who needs an eye lift.   
   	- Bill Richardson: Fred Flinstone.   
   	- John Edwards: A Ken doll.   
   	- Condoleeza Rice: Snoop Dogg.   
   	- Rudy Giuliani: Skeletor.   
   	- Dennis Kuzcynich: a Madagascar aye-aye.  Both live off   
   grasshoppers.   
   	- John Kerry (we didn't do anything yet): A talking tree from   
   The Wizard of Oz.   
   	- Ralph Nader: The Simpsons' Moe.   
   	- Hillary Clinton: Chuckie.  They have the same eyes.   
   	- George Bush: Patrick from Spongebob Squarepants.   
   	   
   	They did a great job on the casting.  Kermit vomits more.   
   	   
      
      
   Dr Phil:   
   	- Vomiting Kermit, Masturbating Bear.  Phil wants to know what   
   kind of show this is.  It's fun, not necessarily a cry for help.  Half   
   his producing staff followed to get a glimpse of Conan.  Dr Phil didn't   
   say they were lovely, just backstage.  Valentine's Day is coming; it's   
   stressful.  Isn't it?  Not just stressful.  He thinks it's a conspiracy.   
    You need to put dots very close together and connect with bright red   
   lines: Men don't even nearly get it when it comes to romance.  Dr Phil   
   buys nice stuff in the drugstore.  Electric paint stirrer, anything that   
   symbolizes 'be mine' like that.  What's Conan's plan for his hair?  Can   
   he see his face?  Conan has to find it; it's three doors down.   
   	   
   	- It's a cliche that men can't express feelings.  Dr Phil thinks   
   men don't practice.  Women talk about hurt feelings.  And rub each other   
   with lotions.  'Hey, Conan, it's Phil.'  'How did you get this number?'   
   'I'm feeling kind of down, can we talk about my feelings?'  He claims   
   women use 7,000 words a day and men use 2,000; Conan asks if this is a   
   fact, a dubious fact else why would he say it?  Is Conan's growl a good   
   technique?  No.  Has it ever worked?  Animals come to him from far away.   
    Dr Phil will yell at severely incompetent parents, like those with   
   150-pound five-year-olds.  What are the parents doing, shooting kids   
   with guns full of muffins?  Who buys the food?  Who prepares the food?   
   Who presents the food?  He talks all the time with Oprah; he's the only   
   graduate from Oprah University, a great way to learn how to do   
   television.  It's how Conan started.  She had the Kermit idea.   
      
      
   The Interrupter:   
   	- I don't think I ever saw this sketch before, but it's pretty   
   much exactly what I imagined apart from the costume.  I thought it would   
   just be a guy, by which I mean Brian McCann, in the audience.  Conan   
   speculates on the Interrupter's high school life.  He has a fascination   
   with dust mites and a sexual attraction to rabbis.  Conan turns the   
   tables; he goes off to make violent love to a CPR dummy dressed like a   
   rabbi.   
   	   
      
   Emily Deschanel:   
   	- Her character can tell most anything by looking just at bones.   
    They really can look at a chip and build a model showing what the guy   
   was wearing when he was killed.  A signed confession is a bad thing to   
   leave at the crime scene; but has she learned anything about being a   
   better criminal?  She's impressed by the forensic shows by how hard it   
   is to leave no crime; you'd need a latex bodysuit and Conan would paint   
   a question mark over the face and he'd have knives for hands.  He thinks   
   about this a lot.  It's a hard schedule.  Conan and Emily both like   
   committing murders and hanging out in retirement communities.  You don't   
   have to leave: two restaurants, a bank, a church, a library, a beauty   
   parlor.  And all the food is mashed up for you.  They have mimosas on   
   tap.  Conan thinks she was in a bar.   
   	   
   	Don't look up 'zentai' at work.  Just saying.   
      
      
   Calexico:   
   	- From the CD 'Garden Ruin', or something like that.  Had the TV   
   too low to tell what they played.   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)