From: nebusj-@-rpi-.edu   
      
   Max is:   
   	- Doing more by doing less.  Someday they'll have a whole hour   
   of cheering, and then be cancelled.   
      
      
   Conologue:   
   	- Crazy astronaut: he's never heard of a better story in his   
   life.  She was charged with attempted kidnapping and possession of a   
   loaded diaper.  Before the arrest she was apparently stalking the woman   
   for weeks.  She suspected because every time she looked in her rear-view   
   mirror she saw the space shuttle.  Everybody's running for President.   
   Candidates have to get hot at the right time; Bill Clinton said   
   Hillary's doomed.  Ozzy Osborne will perform at OzFest without getting   
   paid.  The concert's promoters say don't tell him but they haven't paid   
   him for over twelve years.  He thinks he's going to a restaurant.   
   Johnny Knoxville is getting divorced.  He's so depressed he doesn't even   
   feel like shooting himself in the crotch with a staple gun.  Paula Abdul   
   says she doesn't pick people by singing ability but by how well they put   
   together their look.  That is, she picks whoever looks old enough to buy   
   her a drink.   
   	   
      
   Walkover: The Who, 5:15.   
      
      
   Conan's Growing Sideburns:   
   	- But the got cut!  He trusted, past tense, his barber.  His   
   barber walks away.  Conan talks about himself in the third person   
   because he went insane in 1999.  He thinks his look would be great with   
   sideburns; two guys agree.   
      
      
   Lisa Novak:   
   	- After Navy Commander Bill Oefelein.  Who's been e-mailing   
   Max's wife.  ``It's Diapertime!''  Max doesn't get out of the door.  He   
   needs a new diaper.  ``It was Diapertime.''  You can get the songs at   
   Starbucks.   
      
      
   Reverend Haggard:   
   	- After three weeks of rehab he's ``completely heterosexual''.   
   Conan's skeptical.  Joel says Conan should believe it.  For years Joel   
   swung both ways, but now is ladies-only thanks to Ram-Amine, the   
   anti-homosexual patch.  He'd been up to twelve penises a day.  They gave   
   him his life back.  He has to wear ... not just one patch.  Joel can put   
   his shirt down now.   
      
      
   Arctic Cold:   
   	- Since all the comedy has been disturbing.  ``Mike'' is out on   
   the street where it's really cold.  Wind chill about 15 below.  Mike's   
   tongue is stuck on the microphone.  He pulls it, but it won't come off.   
   It's extremely painful.  Someone comes; he gets his tongue stuck too.   
      
      
   Cuba Gooding Jr:   
   	- He's shaved.  He doesn't grow beards.  Conan doesn't grow a   
   beard but grows amazing sideburns.  Cuba's going to Bulgaria for a movie   
   with Ray Liotta.  He's never been, but knows it will be cold.  They say   
   there are nice hotels.  He shows his rear end a lot in movies.  Then   
   things start to run amok and Cuba proclaims he could split that chair in   
   half, which would force Conan to go to Ikea and get another.  Conan's   
   amazed by how stupid a conversation they have; Cuba could pick up   
   peanuts with his rear end.  Conan wants to start again.  Eddie Murphy   
   isn't fun to work with on set; he saves it all for the camera.  Cuba   
   talks about being in a weird anecdote where Eddie worries about there   
   not being bugs around.  Rowan Atkinson is like that too.  Conan's like   
   he is on TV most of the day, though sometimes he'll just be doing   
   something like buying a ham sandwich, gruyere cheese, and people will   
   think he's depressed.  Cuba just wanted a normal conversation.  In   
   ``What Love Is'' his character invites everyone to his place on   
   Valentine's Day, just as he's dumped.  It comes out March 23 for some   
   reason.   
      
      
   Public Service: The Lullaby with Bessie Lou.   
   	- You know the lyrics.  Plugged in this time: drunken driving,   
   gambling ring, Britney spears shows her thing, subway shooting, KKK, Ted   
   Haggard's no longer gay.  Not one bit gay.  Completely not gay.  100   
   percent that guy's just not gay.   
   	   
   	- For the viewers who feel left out: Bull jumping the stand, pro   
   wrestling chair-hit and limb-sawing, Grease: You're The One That I Want,   
   Lisa Nowak's mug shot, bear attacking a woman.  Paula Abdul's ``Drunk''   
   interview.   
   	   
   	- Actually, they changed the words *very* slightly, singing that   
   he'd say it this ``gentle way'' instead of this ``soothing way'', but   
   it's still the same sketch done for a decade plus.   
      
      
   The Astronaut Farmer:   
   	- Not a sketch, but a commercial in this break.  Which has now   
   become terribly funny when it airs during any of the late night talk   
   shows.   
      
      
   Joy Behar:   
   	- The Donald Trump/Rosie O'Donnell thing: Conan inaccurately   
   claims everyone is fascinated by it.  Joy had her own feud with Trump.   
   Conan predicts Trump will have her beat by gold robots (again).  The   
   View's changed; there's more audience giveaways.  The audience comes to   
   expect it; she's afraid they'll turn on her.  Makes it harder to get   
   tickets to The View; nobody wants to come to Late Night.  Problem with a   
   cruise giveaway: Rosie was going to giveaway one.  Rosie said she was   
   giving two tickets away; the audience thought they'd *all* get the   
   cruises, and Rosie went ahead and bought the whole audience cruise   
   tickets anyway.  Ten Things Men Don't Know About Their Penises done with   
   Dr Lamb, who knows from halitosis to penile enlargement.  He has a book   
   called The Hardness Factor.  Most of them aren't interesting, like   
   ``erectile dysfunction can lead to death.''  How?  She doesn't know.   
   ``The penis can be enlarged'' -- yes, it can -- ``with a magnifying   
   glass.''  ``There are two types of penises''; she guessed big and small.   
    Standard and Practices warned don't refer to the size of a gorilla's   
   penis because it's gratuitous.  They asked Dr Lamb to not discuss the   
   taste of semen.  The interview ends without a musical outro; I wonder if   
   it's just WNBC Master Control fumbled.   
      
      
   Jonathan Katz:   
   	- No musical intro either.  They must've been short on time.   
   Clip from Doctor Katz, Professional Therapist, with the jiggly Conan.   
   Jonathan has a cane now.  His doctor told him no more red meat, no salt,   
   no alcohol.  ``What about sex?''  He's seeing someone.  The Professional   
   Therapist is a cult favorite among all the cults.  He's been in and out   
   of therapy all his life; right now he's seeing a guy who's not so good.   
   ``Now what's the matter?''  Before that was one who wanted him to stop   
   opening the can of worms of his childhood.  He avoids topical jokes.  He   
   tells one about a failed farmer who goes into the phone sex business,   
   and satisfies the needs for oohs and aahs by cutting the lips off his   
   cows and sheep, because you try saying moo or baah without lips.  It's   
   the strangest joke Conan's heard.  Jonathan's from New York City; his   
   parents had a low-budget freak show.  They had a bearded man, Siamese   
   twins, an emotionally strong man, a woman who was a little bloated.  He   
   had an uncle, a Manhattan judge; he's now a wino.  Out of respect people   
   still ask ``may I approach the bench?''  He's living in Cambridge,   
   Massachusetts now.  Maybe the only town where you can walk through the   
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)