From: nebusj-@-rpi-.edu   
      
   Max is:   
   	- Weird.   
      
      
   Conologue:   
   	- Barak Obama spoke in front of thousands of people in Iowa.  He   
   pointed out his family, unnecessarily.  Bush honored Lincoln's birthday,   
   calling him the guy who invented the penny.  Richard Simmons adjusted   
   himself on the Today Show; you can see it on ``Sweatin' to the Testes''.   
    Grammies awarded Jimmy Sturr for the Best New Polka Album, Worst New   
   Polka Album, and Only New Polka Album.  Scott plays the accordion, and   
   is fired.  Scientists are working on a natural alternative to breast   
   implants.  It will be popular with guys who want to grow a bunch of   
   breasts to keep around the house.  At Fashion Week London a restaurant   
   will offer models free food.  The models said ``throw in a bucket and   
   you've got a deal.''  (Took me a couple hearings to get.)  Conan's an   
   insensitive bastard.   A New Mexico bar is using a talking urinal cake   
   to warn against drunk driving, the best advice you'll get from something   
   you're peeing on.   
      
   	- Jimmy Sturr has won more Polka Grammy awards than Gardner   
   Dozois has won Hugo Editing awards, if you can imagine.  I count 16.   
      
      
   Walkover: Mod Squad theme.  Conan loves it for making it sound like   
   they'll solve a crime.  Max didn't do anything exciting over the   
   weekend.   
      
      
   SAT Preparation:   
   	- dog : puppy :: cat : kitten.  The audience doesn't get it.   
   	   
   	- President Carter : helped foster peace in the Middle East ::   
   George W Bush : helped Dora the Explorer get to Candy Cane Island.   
   	   
   	- Simon Cowell : gets mean when the camera is turned on :: Paula   
   Abdul : gets mean when the keg is turned off.   
   	   
   	- Tiger Woods : #1 in driving :: Lisa Nowak : #2 while driving.   
   	   
   	- Kevin Federline's reputation before the Super Bowl ad : lazy,   
   can't rap :: Kevin Federline's reputation after the Super Bowl ad : good   
   sense of humor, lazy, can't rap.   
   	   
   	- John Goodman : loves chicken-fried steak :: Kirstie Alley :   
   loves chicken-fried John Goodman.   
   	   
   	- Ted Haggard last week : ``I'm completely heterosexual'' :: Ted   
   Haggard next week : ``Psyche!''   
   	   
   	- John D Rockefeller : ``Don't be afraid to give up the good to   
   go for the great'' :: Donald Trump : ``Rosie O'Donnell is a big fat   
   loser.''   
   	   
   	- Barak Obama : heckled at a campaign rally by anti-war   
   activists :: max Weinberg : tackled outside a video store by anti-porn   
   activists.   
   	   
   	- Dixie Chicks (there's a lot of shrugging here) : cleaned up at   
   the Grammys :: Justin Guarini : literally cleaned up at the Grammys, per   
   his contract with CleanCo Maintenance, Inc.  (That's overwritten;   
   `cleaned up after the Grammys' would have had more punch.)   
   	   
   	- Astronaut in 1969: ``One small step for man, one giant leap   
   for mankind'' :: Astronaut in 2007 : ``One small diaper for the drive   
   there, one giant diaper for the drive back.''  (And aren't two Lisa Nowak   
   jokes in the same bit redundant?)   
      
      
   Martin Lawrence:   
   	- He goes on about these kids these days with their facial hair   
   and everything.  Do older people walk their dogs or is it the other way   
   around?  He wonders how many years of good sex he has left.  He figures   
   everybody thinks about it. He uses a lot of karate moves; he's a blue   
   belt.  Conan never heard of it.  He may not black your eye but he may   
   blue your eye.  He does ki-ya sounds.   
   	   
   	- He was a quick boxer; he didn't like to be hit.  ``Are you all   
   right?''  ``I'd like two Caesar's salads.''  He wants us to not drink   
   and drive.  William H Macey likes to sing on the sets.  There's a yacht   
   in his plane.   
      
      
      
   Who Comes to See Late Night Tapings?   
   	Ben Whitley, statistical analyst, has his verdict:   
   	68 % college educated.   
   	31 % high school educated.   
   	1 % can't even spell his own name.  Fine-looking gentlemen.   
   (There weren't any credits for the casting even for the speaking roles,   
   even though the credits went on plenty long enough.)   
   	   
   	72 % has two drinks a week.   
   	27 % has more than two a week.   
   	1 % is halfway through his third donor liver.  With a fake   
   eyebrow.   
   	   
   	1% is transgendered.  This person looks like a bad Andy Richter   
   impersonation.   
   	52% is Democrat.   
   	19% is Jewish.   
   	92% are US-born.  Keeps showing the transgendered person.   
   	70% of him is happily married; 30% is a stone sex freak.   
   		   
      
      
   Hayden Panettiere:   
   	- She's too short for the chair.  She was a young success.  In   
   'Heroes' she can regenerate from any injury.  Not in real life; she   
   needs Conan's protection.  She's been filleted, grilled, stir-fried,   
   it's been a trip.  Got a whole body cast.  And her character can't be   
   killed off, whatever the producers think.  Actually, the producers have   
   a way ... There was the brain-stealing plot.  She might ask for a raise.   
    That's a big no-no at NBC.  Her character can't hurt anyone; she'd like   
   the chance.  She was on ``One Life to Live'' when she was four and a   
   half, and ``Guiding Light'' when she was eight.  Thrown down well, in a   
   car accident, shot her mom's boyfriend, went crazy on the soaps.  She   
   was talking to stuffed animals, which is half Conan's social life.  She   
   signed on to Heroes and figured she'd get to hurt someone.  She did her   
   first comic book convention and met the fanboys.  They read more into it   
   than the actors do.  Telling them that makes brains explode.  Just smile   
   a lot.  She's interested in going to Comi-Con, which could be ... very   
   ... cool.  Distinct scents wafting around the room.  Conan doesn't think   
   she should go now.  ``You said we smell!  We'll send you to the ninth   
   level of Gardor!''  They're very sweet, though.   
      
      
      
   Hinder:   
   	- ``Extreme Behavior'': I couldn't figure out a title.  Was that   
   a new lighting effect for the background, though?   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)