From: nebusj-@-rpi-.edu   
      
   Max is:   
   	- Hateful of Presidents' Day.   
      
      
   Conologue:   
   	- Bush marked Presidents' Day by calling his dad, Carter, and   
   the black guy from '24'.  If Hillary Clinton wins the Presidency she   
   might be replaced in the Senate by Bill Clinton; Bill dreams of   
   replacing her every day.  Astronomers worry an asteroid could hit in   
   2036, around the time of the next on-time flight from JetBlue.  New   
   Jersey now allows Civil Unions; now they just have to find a homosexual   
   who'll admit to living in New Jersey.  All-Star NBA game was in Las   
   Vegas, with over 300 related arrests.  City officials don't want this   
   disrupting the city's gamblers, pimps, and prostitutes.  Britney Spears   
   (he didn't do a joke yet) got two tattoos and shaved her head.  It's the   
   most motherly thing she's done in weeks.  After shaving her head she   
   went clubbing.  People at the club when she arrived screamed 'Hey, look,   
   that bald guy has a vagina!'  (Senator Schumer is firing his advance   
   man.)   
      
      
   The New Britney has been patterned for data storage by Vejur.   
   	- Conan just wants in on the publicity stunt, so La Bamba is   
   shaving his moustache.  This is news to La Bamba.  Maybe he'll come to   
   rehearsal next time so he knows what's going on.  He grew it when he was   
   fourteen, he named it Lucille, and he's had it since.  They play ``Take   
   It Off'' as he shaves.  He needs help.  What is his moustache made of?   
   If Conan grew one he'd just need to tug on it and it would fall off.   
   His is made of steel wool.  Conan wonders how long it'll take to grow   
   back; two weeks.  Conan hates this.  Jerry has a cheap replacement   
   moustache.  La Bamba without his moustache looks like Eddie Valiant.   
      
      
   13th Annual Audiencey Awards:   
   	- The red carpet was set up for their audience; it runs to the F   
   Train.  Max's parents are there.  So are Joel's parents, Lobo and Mister   
   Jukes.  The award captures the dynamics of sitting naked in a cold   
   concrete space and clapping because you have nowhere else to go.  They   
   only have one; winners please have it for a time and then mail it on at   
   their own expense.   
   	   
   	- Best Performance By An Audience Member Who's Pretending He's   
   Not Interested in the Hot Girl Sitting Next To Him: Seat 5-J.  The   
   envelope is already opened.   
   	   
   	- The Guy Who Thinks He Looks Cool Now But In Five Years Will   
   Deny He Ever Had Those Glasses And Facial Hair: 3-F.  Conan wants to try   
   the glasses.  Conan looks like an action librarian in them.  Or maybe   
   Plastic Man's secret identity.  Conan thinks he's never looked this cool   
   before.  He's not getting the glasses back.  Conan starts to lick the   
   stem.  'You might want to boil these.'   
   	   
   	- Audience Member Who Looks Most Like Britney Spears: 4-E.   
   	   
   	- A moment of silence for the monologue joke that died earlier   
   this evening, and a jet flyover.  The jet flies back.  'That's the   
   saddest thing I've ever seen.'  A piece of the plane fell off when it   
   hit the wall.  IT cost $40,000 to do.   
   	   
   	- Best Foreign-Language Audience Member: 8-A.  He looks like a   
   hostage.  'I don't know who this man is.  I thought I had tickets to   
   Regis and Kelly.'   
   	   
   	- Audience Member Who Looks Most Like Abe Vigoda: Either 4-B,   
   7-K, or 11-Q.  And the winner is ... 4-B, the woman in the heavy   
   sweater, not the real Abe Vigoda, who sits, looking dead.  Abe loses   
   that one every year.   
   	   
   	- There is no Joel Godard Memorial Award; he's not dead yet.   
   Oh, well, that takes care of that.  'My son!  My son is dead!'  There's   
   another jet flyover.  There's a big string in front of his face.   
   	   
   	- Best Undeserved Standing Ovation By An Entire Audience: it's   
   tonight's studio audience!   
   	   
      
      
   Chuck Schumer:   
   	- He asked to be on the show.  They set a date; he cancelled.   
   They called back; Conan was unsure; suddenly he's audited and his   
   power's turned off.  Saturday, the Senate didn't vote on a nonbinding   
   resolution against the troop surge.  Next day, 'Britney Shears' is on   
   the Daily News cover.  Next week there'll be 100 senators with shaved   
   heads.  The Senate was still on the front of papers with multiple   
   stories on the front page.  There's no silver bullet to cure the war   
   problem; action starts with debate.  It's not the US's job to try   
   slowing the Iraqi civil war; we should be there to fight terrorism.  He   
   lives with three other -- or four other -- representatives (two   
   congressmen, one senator) in Washington; it sounds like a sitcom.  They   
   sit around, eat cereal, play X-box in their shorts.  Washington's a   
   lonely place.  What's it like when he lets his hair down?  It's not very   
   different.  He loves eating boxes of cereal, particularly Frosted   
   Mini-Wheats.  He hasn't tried Choco-Lucky Charms.  He does Lucky Charms   
   and Cocoa Puffs, though.  Conan's amazed by Choco-Lucky Charms:   
   choco-bombs are added.  It's like an acid trip.  One of his tasks in the   
   House was fighting high cereal prices.  Long ago he invented a   
   fictitious family, Joe and Eileen Baley, to be a typical family, he's an   
   insurance salesman, she works in a medical office; they're doing well   
   but are worried for the future, particularly for their kids.  What can   
   they do to improve lives of 'Baleys'?  To meet concerns about childhood   
   obesity he made their son fatter; he's got a bit of a God complex.  The   
   Baleys have been his friends for 15 years -- his press secretary once   
   said he has imaginary friends -- but the book is about things Democrats   
   should do to make the Baleys' lives better.   
      
      
   Max is in Commercials Again:   
   	- He's never done one for a product he doesn't use himself.  No?   
    Then explain his ad for Magellan D-9 Breast Pumps.  It's what he would   
   use if he were a lactating woman.  The Senator just fired another   
   advance man, although he was chuckling.   
      
      
   Tracee Ellis Ross:   
   	- Her mom's Diana Ross; she had an unusual childhood.  She   
   remembered a picture of her parents, Cher, and Michael Jackson playing   
   tennis.  They were all really skinny.  Michael Jackson had an afro   
   still.  The year Thriller was out (1983?) there was another song,   
   mama-se, mama-se, mama-coosa (``Wanna Be Startin' Something''), and she   
   didn't think those were the words.  She said she'd ask Michael Jackson   
   about it.  Next time Diana talked with him she asked if she wanted to   
   talk to him, asked was it 'I can see by the sound of Michael's song?'   
   He said no, but it should have been.  She doesn't know what it was but   
   Michael Jackson can do that and it'll be a hit.  She didn't say another   
   word about it.  She could have lied to her friends.  Conan drinks   
   coffee, but shouldn't.  She *really* shouldn't drink coffee as it leaves   
   her too hyperactive.  She meditates, and she suggests Conan try it.   
   Conan doesn't understand even the talk about breathing in and knowing   
   she's breathing in.  She means saying it in your head, but aloud if you   
   need it.  'I'm breathing in and I'm aware that I'm breathing in.  I'm   
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)