From: nebusj-@-rpi-.edu   
      
   Max is:   
   	- In a hand-shaking mood.  It felt good.  Conan and Max are   
   getting married.   
      
      
   Conologue:   
   	- Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married; you can't boo   
   someone's wedding.  Tom will give all the guests hand-embroidered towels   
   with his and her initials.  Katie will give them hand-scrawled notes   
   that say ``Help me''.  Arnold Schwarzenegger visited Mexico to thank   
   everyone who voted for him and eat a sausage.  Bush planned a visit to   
   foreign countries this week because he's unpopular at home.  The White   
   House points out he's just as unpopular overseas.  A restaurant in   
   Arizona started selling the Quadruple Bypass burger -- two pounds of   
   burger meat in four slab, three cheese layers, four bacon rashers,   
   lettuce, tomato.  To help you get into your car they rub the bacon   
   grease on the doorway.  Democrats plan to raise the minimum wage because   
   something must be done to protect Kevin Federline's future.  Federline   
   was performing in concert when he went off on his divorce and said F---   
   Britney.  No one in the audience was offended because no one was   
   offended.  ``We will help K-Fed, and put a man on the moon and do the   
   other thing ...''   
      
      
   Walking over: They're down with the funk, and ordered to never say that   
   again.   
      
      
   Shocking Statments from the Max Weinberg 7:   
   	- Elton John said we should do away with all organized religion.   
    That got him in the news.  Why not get publicity for Late Night by   
   having their musicians say something like that?  S   
      
   	- Mark Pender: Children should be breast-fed till they learn to   
   ride a bike!   
   	   
   	- Jerry Vivino: If you have two kinds of VD they cancel each   
   other out!   
   	   
   	- La Bamba: I think it's a national disgrace that it says 'Made   
   in China' on my bong.   
   	   
   	- Jimmy Vivino: Cosmetics should only be tested on really ugly   
   animals.   
   	   
   	- Scott Healy: Homeless people have one too many kidneys   
   	   
   	- Mike Merritt: A midget on a budget should be called a mudget.   
   	   
   	- Max: one thing I've learned from touring on the road, the   
   kitchen staff at Applebees really puts out.   
   	   
   	- Joel: It's not gay sex if you imagine you're a lady!  ...   
   We're not playing Announcers Reveal Things They've Got To Believe To   
   Make It Through Another day?   
      
      
      
   NBC's Made-For-TV Movie about the Elections:   
   	- Joe Lieberman: Teller, from Penn and Teller.   
   	   
   	- Montana Senator John Tester: Biff from Back to the Future.   
   	   
   	- Nancy Pelosi: Martin Short.   
   	   
   	- Rick Santorum: Woody from Toy Story.   
   	   
   	- Chuck Schumer: Grampa Munster.   
   	   
   	- John Kerry: An Easter Island stone head.   
   	   
   	- John Murtha, running for House Majority Leader (that's the   
   before picture!  We worked too hard on this one): Ernie the Keebler Elf.   
      
   	   
   	- Robert Gates: Pope Benedict Palpatine.   
   	   
   	- Donald Rumsfeld: Skeletor.   
   	   
   	- Dennis Hastert: Boss Hogg.   
   	   
   	- Laura Bush: The Joker.   
   	   
   	- George W Bush: Patrick, from Spongebob Squarepants.   
      
      
   Robin Williams:   
   	- Ramble ramble ramble, he grew up in San Francisco so saw a lot   
   of cowboys but no horses.  Conan met him at Saturday Night Live;   
   Williams was one of the first celebrities he was around.  One of his   
   vivid memories was Williams with his shirt off for a costume change, he   
   was the hairiest man Conan's ever seen.  It's like he's wearing a fur   
   coat.  Occasionally he's had to wax, once, and a woman halfway through   
   asked if she could take a break.  He felt like a sheep when he was   
   shaved.  Ramble, ramble.  He goes on about nipples.  Give him a minute,   
   he can grow a beard.  Conan could try for a couple years and get two red   
   hairs.  Williams goes into an annoying Chinese voice, and claims to have   
   an eight-inch penis.  More rambling and it gets onto a diaper and   
   Williams in a child voice.   
   	   
   	- He's into biking.  People can't ask for autographs at 25 miles   
   per hour; you can wear those pants and people go ``Dancer?''   
   ``Bicyclist.''  He wears the pants around the house, and people say,   
   ``Take those off.''  Problem with biking is you can get into it and end   
   up 50 miles away and realize, you have to get back.  He's done about 70   
   or 80 miles.  Last weekend he did 53 miles in about three hours.  Riding   
   with someone else, you can draft.   
   	   
   	- Conan got interested in comedy by Warner Brothers cartoons.   
   Williams's favorite was Elmer Fudd, and imagines him in 'A Streetcar   
   Named Desire'.  With his son he felt like Sylvester and Son, ``Oh,   
   father, must you do what you do, must I wear two bags in case one   
   breaks?''  And then he gets onto World War II propaganda cartoons.   
   Marvin the Martian had a suppressed episode in which he talked about   
   walking on his own testicles, and then called himself ``harder than   
   Chinese algebra''.   
      
      
   Cheap Shot on the Band:   
   	- Well, it looks like Conan has hurt Max's feelings.  He needs   
   to say he's sorry and quick.  To say you're sorry is to ... apologize.   
   Let's see if Conan will ... apologize.  (Conan looks in horror at this   
   sailor guy.)  I'm Captain fun!  I do a children's show across the hall!   
   I overheard you and Max and thought it would be a good lesson for the   
   kids to see if you ... apologize.  ( Conan says he's sorry, and Max says   
   that's okay.)  Now, kids, you see what Conan did?  He pretended to be   
   sorry just to please me.  A people-pleasing liar is called a ...   
   hypocrite.  (I'm not a hypocrite!)  A ... hypocrite!  (Don't say that   
   anymore!)  Oh, I would, but Tuki the Toucan will.  A ... hypocrite!   
   (That's the worst puppet I've ever seen in my life!)  Well, that's what   
   happens when you show your kiddy show's  entire ... $50,000 budget on   
   ... Instant Scratch-Off Lotto Tickets.  (Captain Funn, that's terrible)   
   Captain Funn has a ... gambling problem.  Well, at least I'm not an ...   
   alcoholic.  I have ... Four drinks a day, tops.  Well, i call that a   
   problem.  I need it to relax, the tension in our home is killing me.   
   Oh, so, you want a divorce.  (Guys, guys, guys, take it outside the   
   studio, will you?)  Fine ... I'd rather be dead than stuck one more   
   second in this stinking rattrap of a show.   
   	   
      
      
   Christian Slater:   
   	- As a child actor he worked at Radio City Musical Hall, the   
   Christmas Special.  When he was twelve -- they all played several roles.   
    Did the Living Nativity Scene about five time a day.  He was a shepherd   
   with the sheep and all that sort of thing.  But they don't have enough   
   microphones for everybody in the cast, so they used the prerecorded   
   voices to the years before.  They did that on Late Night for two years.   
      
   	   
   	- He's got two children.  Is his seven-year-old aware his dad is   
   a well-known person?  He does; he tells the lady at the drive-through   
   burger that his father is Christian Slater.  It's cute but awkward when   
   your son is your publicist.   
   	   
   	- Anthony Hopkins could look through you.  ``Bobby'' uses actual   
   footage of Bobby Kennedy in an artistic way.  It would be hard for Conan   
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)