From: nebusj-@-rpi-.edu   
      
   Max is:   
   	- Sarcastic.   
      
      
   Conologue:   
   	- The astronaut charged with attempted murder: the   
   audience just stepped out a time capsule.  BB gun, mallet,   
   pepper spray used after she drove 900 miles wearing a diaper.   
   NASA may need to add a new question to the astronaut entrance   
   exam.   
      
   	- She was trying to kidnap the other woman as they were   
   both in love with the same astronaut.  He was hoping to get   
   some Tang.  He likes the solemn applause.   
      
   	- 93 million viewers watched the Super Bowl.  Usually   
   that many Americans watching a show involves a drunk Paula   
   Abdul.  ``You were great!''  ``That's a radiator.''   
      
   	- Tom Tankrido is forming a presidential exploratory   
   committee.  The committee won't be paid but will get some sweet   
   jobs in the Tankrido administration.  Conan's keeping the guy   
   who laughed.   
      
   	- The most popular pastime for senior citizens is   
   surfing the web.  Many just think they're surfing and are   
   actually using a toaster.   
      
   	+ Jim Ellwanger pointed out this was ripe for a   
   follow-up joke about pop-ups.   
      
   	- Ted Haggard has finished a three-week sex ed program;   
   he says he's completely heterosexual.  He'll prove it by having   
   sex only with men who are completely heterosexual.  Cut to La   
   Bamba.   
      
      
   Walkover Music: Was that ``Everybody Dance'' from the Kinks?   
   	- Did you step outside, Max?  It's frigid.  So you did?   
    They're building an arc backstage.  Dispensing hot chocolate   
   is Vomiting Kermit.   
      
   	- And for whipped cream, the Masturbating Bear.  Wait,   
   what did *you* think was going to happen?   
      
   	- The Kermit puppeteer falls asleep, and then resumes   
   vomiting.  A *lot*.  Conan puts $20 on more vomit.   
   	   
      
   NBC has a made-for-TV movie about the election.  The cast list   
   (spelling approximated):   
   	- Joe Biden: Bob Barker.   
   	- Barak Obama: Colts coach Tony Dungee.   
   	- John McCain: Tim Conway.   
   	- Sam Brownback: Moamar Ghadafi.  Who needs an eye lift.   
   	- Bill Richardson: Fred Flinstone.   
   	- John Edwards: A Ken doll.   
   	- Condoleeza Rice: Snoop Dogg.   
   	- Rudy Giuliani: Skeletor.   
   	- Dennis Kuzcynich: a Madagascar aye-aye.  Both live off   
   grasshoppers.   
   	- John Kerry (we didn't do anything yet): A talking tree from   
   The Wizard of Oz.   
   	- Ralph Nader: The Simpsons' Moe.   
   	- Hillary Clinton: Chuckie.  They have the same eyes.   
   	- George Bush: Patrick from Spongebob Squarepants.   
   	   
   	They did a great job on the casting.  Kermit vomits more.   
   	   
      
      
   Dr Phil:   
   	- Vomiting Kermit, Masturbating Bear.  Phil wants to   
   know what kind of show this is.  It's fun, not necessarily a   
   cry for help.   
      
   	- Half his producing staff followed to get a glimpse of   
   Conan.  Dr Phil didn't say they were lovely, just backstage.   
      
   	- Valentine's Day is coming; it's stressful.  Isn't it?   
    Not just stressful.  He thinks it's a conspiracy.   
      
      
   	- You need to put dots very close together and connect   
   with bright red lines: Men don't even nearly get it when it   
   comes to romance.  Dr Phil buys nice stuff in the drugstore.   
   Electric paint stirrer, anything that symbolizes 'be mine' like   
   that.   
      
   	- What's Conan's plan for his hair?  Can he see his   
   face?  Conan has to find it; it's three doors down.   
      
   	- It's a cliche that men can't express feelings.  Dr   
   Phil thinks men don't practice.  Women talk about hurt   
   feelings.  And rub each other with lotions.   
      
   	- 'Hey, Conan, it's Phil.'  'How did you get this   
   number?' 'I'm feeling kind of down, can we talk about my   
   feelings?'   
      
   	- He claims women use 7,000 words a day and men use   
   2,000; Conan asks if this is a fact, a dubious fact else why   
   would he say it?   
      
   	- Is Conan's growl a good technique?  No.  Has it ever   
   worked?  Animals come to him from far away.   
      
      
   	- Dr Phil will yell at severely incompetent parents,   
   like those with 150-pound five-year-olds.  What are the parents   
   doing, shooting kids with guns full of muffins?  Who buys the   
   food?  Who prepares the food? Who presents the food?   
      
   	- He talks all the time with Oprah; he's the only   
   graduate from Oprah University, a great way to learn how to do   
   television.  It's how Conan started.  She had the Kermit idea.   
      
      
   The Interrupter:   
   	- I don't think I ever saw this sketch before, but it's   
   pretty much exactly what I imagined apart from the costume.  I   
   thought it would just be a guy, by which I mean Brian McCann,   
   in the audience.   
      
   	- Conan speculates on the Interrupter's high school   
   life.  He has a fascination with dust mites and a sexual   
   attraction to rabbis.  Conan turns the tables; he goes off to   
   make violent love to a CPR dummy dressed like a rabbi.   
   	   
      
   Emily Deschanel:   
   	- Her character can tell most anything by looking just   
   at bones. They really can look at a chip and build a model   
   showing what the guy was wearing when he was killed.   
      
   	- A signed confession is a bad thing to leave at the   
   crime scene; but has she learned anything about being a better   
   criminal?   
      
   	- She's impressed by the forensic shows by how hard it   
   is to leave no crime; you'd need a latex bodysuit and Conan   
   would paint a question mark over the face and he'd have knives   
   for hands.  He thinks about this a lot.  It's a hard schedule.   
      
      
   	- Conan and Emily both like committing murders and   
   hanging out in retirement communities.  You don't have to   
   leave: two restaurants, a bank, a church, a library, a beauty   
   parlor.  And all the food is mashed up for you.  They have   
   mimosas on tap.  Conan thinks she was in a bar.   
      
   	Don't look up 'zentai' at work.  Just saying.   
      
      
   Calexico:   
   	- From the CD 'Garden Ruin', or something like that.   
   Had the TV too low to tell what they played.   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)