From: nebusj-@-rpi-.edu   
      
   Max is:   
   	- Doing more by doing less.  Someday they'll have a whole   
   hour of cheering, and then be cancelled.   
      
      
   Conologue:   
   	- Crazy astronaut: he's never heard of a better story in   
   his life.  She was charged with attempted kidnapping and   
   possession of a loaded diaper.   
      
   	- Before the arrest she was apparently stalking the woman   
   for weeks.  She suspected because every time she looked in her   
   rear-view mirror she saw the space shuttle.   
      
   	- Everybody's running for President. Candidates have to   
   get hot at the right time; Bill Clinton said Hillary's doomed.   
      
   	- Ozzy Osborne will perform at OzFest without getting   
   paid.  The concert's promoters say don't tell him but they   
   haven't paid him for over twelve years.  He thinks he's going to   
   a restaurant.   
      
      
   	- Johnny Knoxville is getting divorced.  He's so   
   depressed he doesn't even feel like shooting himself in the   
   crotch with a staple gun.   
      
   	- Paula Abdul says she doesn't pick people by singing   
   ability but by how well they put together their look.  That is,   
   she picks whoever looks old enough to buy her a drink.   
   	   
      
   Walkover: The Who, 5:15.   
      
      
   Conan's Growing Sideburns:   
   	- But the got cut!  He trusted, past tense, his barber.   
   His barber walks away.  Conan talks about himself in the third   
   person because he went insane in 1999.  He thinks his look would   
   be great with sideburns; two guys agree.   
      
      
   Lisa Novak:   
   	- After Navy Commander Bill Oefelein.  Who's been   
   e-mailing Max's wife.  ``It's Diapertime!''  Max doesn't get out   
   of the door.  He needs a new diaper.  ``It was Diapertime.''  You   
   can get the songs at Starbucks.   
      
      
   Reverend Haggard:   
   	- After three weeks of rehab he's ``completely   
   heterosexual''. Conan's skeptical.  Joel says Conan should   
   believe it.  For years Joel swung both ways, but now is   
   ladies-only thanks to Ram-Amine, the anti-homosexual patch.  He'd   
   been up to twelve penises a day.  They gave him his life back.   
   He has to wear ... not just one patch.  Joel can put his shirt   
   down now.   
      
      
   Arctic Cold:   
   	- Since all the comedy has been disturbing.  ``Mike'' is   
   out on the street where it's really cold.  Wind chill about 15   
   below.  Mike's tongue is stuck on the microphone.  He pulls it,   
   but it won't come off. It's extremely painful.  Someone comes; he   
   gets his tongue stuck too.   
      
      
   Cuba Gooding Jr:   
   	- He's shaved.  He doesn't grow beards.  Conan doesn't   
   grow a beard but grows amazing sideburns.   
      
   	- Cuba's going to Bulgaria for a movie with Ray Liotta.   
   He's never been, but knows it will be cold.  They say there are   
   nice hotels.   
      
   	- He shows his rear end a lot in movies.  Then things   
   start to run amok and Cuba proclaims he could split that chair in   
   half, which would force Conan to go to Ikea and get another.   
      
   	- Conan's amazed by how stupid a conversation they have;   
   Cuba could pick up peanuts with his rear end.  Conan wants to   
   start again.   
      
   	- Eddie Murphy isn't fun to work with on set; he saves it   
   all for the camera.  Cuba talks about being in a weird anecdote   
   where Eddie worries about there not being bugs around.  Rowan   
   Atkinson is like that too.   
      
   	- Conan's like he is on TV most of the day, though   
   sometimes he'll just be doing something like buying a ham   
   sandwich, gruyere cheese, and people will think he's depressed.   
   Cuba just wanted a normal conversation.   
      
   	- In ``What Love Is'' his character invites everyone to   
   his place on Valentine's Day, just as he's dumped.  It comes out   
   March 23 for some reason.   
      
      
   Public Service: The Lullaby with Bessie Lou.   
   	- You know the lyrics.  Plugged in this time: drunken   
   driving, gambling ring, Britney spears shows her thing, subway   
   shooting, KKK, Ted Haggard's no longer gay.  Not one bit gay.   
   Completely not gay.  100 percent that guy's just not gay.   
      
   	- For the viewers who feel left out: Bull jumping the   
   stand, pro wrestling chair-hit and limb-sawing, Grease: You're   
   The One That I Want, Lisa Nowak's mug shot, bear attacking a   
   woman.  Paula Abdul's ``Drunk'' interview.   
      
   	- Actually, they changed the words *very* slightly,   
   singing that he'd say it this ``gentle way'' instead of this   
   ``soothing way'', but it's still the same sketch done for a   
   decade plus.   
      
      
   The Astronaut Farmer:   
   	- Not a sketch, but a commercial in this break when it   
   first aired.  Which has now become terribly funny when it airs   
   during any of the late night talk shows.   
      
      
   Joy Behar:   
   	- The Donald Trump/Rosie O'Donnell thing: Conan   
   inaccurately claims everyone is fascinated by it.  Joy had her   
   own feud with Trump. Conan predicts Trump will have her beat by   
   gold robots (again).   
      
   	- The View's changed; there's more audience giveaways.   
   The audience comes to expect it; she's afraid they'll turn on   
   her.  Makes it harder to get tickets to The View; nobody wants to   
   come to Late Night.   
      
   	- Problem with a cruise giveaway: Rosie was going to   
   giveaway one.  Rosie said she was giving two tickets away; the   
   audience thought they'd *all* get the cruises, and Rosie went   
   ahead and bought the whole audience cruise tickets anyway.   
      
   	- Ten Things Men Don't Know About Their Penises done with   
   Dr Lamb, who knows from halitosis to penile enlargement.  He has   
   a book called The Hardness Factor.   
      
   	- Most of them aren't interesting, like ``erectile   
   dysfunction can lead to death.''  How?  She doesn't know.   
      
      
   	- ``The penis can be enlarged'' -- yes, it can -- ``with   
   a magnifying glass.''  ``There are two types of penises''; she   
   guessed big and small.   
      
      
   	- Standard and Practices warned don't refer to the size   
   of a gorilla's penis because it's gratuitous.  They asked Dr Lamb   
   to not discuss the taste of semen.   
      
   	- The interview ends without a musical outro; I wonder if   
   it's just WNBC Master Control fumbled.  It did this on the   
   original airing too.   
      
      
   Jonathan Katz:   
   	- No musical intro either.  They must've been short on   
   time.   
      
      
   	- Clip from Doctor Katz, Professional Therapist, with the   
   jiggly Conan.   
      
      
   	- Jonathan has a cane now.  His doctor told him no more   
   red meat, no salt, no alcohol.  ``What about sex?''  He's seeing   
   someone.   
      
   	- The Professional Therapist is a cult favorite among all   
   the cults.  He's been in and out of therapy all his life; right   
   now he's seeing a guy who's not so good. ``Now what's the   
   matter?''   
      
   	- Before that was one who wanted him to stop opening the   
   can of worms of his childhood.  He avoids topical jokes.  He   
   tells one about a failed farmer who goes into the phone sex   
   business, and satisfies the needs for oohs and aahs by cutting   
   the lips off his cows and sheep, because you try saying moo or   
   baah without lips.  It's the strangest joke Conan's heard.   
      
   	- Jonathan's from New York City; his parents had a   
   low-budget freak show.  They had a bearded man, Siamese twins, an   
   emotionally strong man, a woman who was a little bloated.   
      
   	- He had an uncle, a Manhattan judge; he's now a wino.   
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)