From: novarnoldspam@verizon.com   
      
   Joseph Nebus wrote:   
   > Max is:   
   > 	- Sarcastic.   
   >   
   >   
   > Conologue:   
   > 	- The astronaut charged with attempted murder: the   
   > audience just stepped out a time capsule.  BB gun, mallet,   
   > pepper spray used after she drove 900 miles wearing a diaper.   
   > NASA may need to add a new question to the astronaut entrance   
   > exam.   
   >   
   > 	- She was trying to kidnap the other woman as they were   
   > both in love with the same astronaut.  He was hoping to get   
   > some Tang.  He likes the solemn applause.   
   >   
   > 	- 93 million viewers watched the Super Bowl.  Usually   
   > that many Americans watching a show involves a drunk Paula   
   > Abdul.  ``You were great!''  ``That's a radiator.''   
   >   
   > 	- Tom Tankrido is forming a presidential exploratory   
   > committee.  The committee won't be paid but will get some sweet   
   > jobs in the Tankrido administration.  Conan's keeping the guy   
   > who laughed.   
   >   
   > 	- The most popular pastime for senior citizens is   
   > surfing the web.  Many just think they're surfing and are   
   > actually using a toaster.   
   >   
   > 	+ Jim Ellwanger pointed out this was ripe for a   
   > follow-up joke about pop-ups.   
   >   
   > 	- Ted Haggard has finished a three-week sex ed program;   
   > he says he's completely heterosexual.  He'll prove it by having   
   > sex only with men who are completely heterosexual.  Cut to La   
   > Bamba.   
   >   
   >   
   > Walkover Music: Was that ``Everybody Dance'' from the Kinks?   
   > 	- Did you step outside, Max?  It's frigid.  So you did?   
   >  They're building an arc backstage.  Dispensing hot chocolate   
   > is Vomiting Kermit.   
   >   
   > 	- And for whipped cream, the Masturbating Bear.  Wait,   
   > what did *you* think was going to happen?   
   >   
   > 	- The Kermit puppeteer falls asleep, and then resumes   
   > vomiting.  A *lot*.  Conan puts $20 on more vomit.   
   > 	   
   >   
   > NBC has a made-for-TV movie about the election.  The cast list   
   > (spelling approximated):   
   > 	- Joe Biden: Bob Barker.   
   > 	- Barak Obama: Colts coach Tony Dungee.   
   > 	- John McCain: Tim Conway.   
   > 	- Sam Brownback: Moamar Ghadafi.  Who needs an eye lift.   
   > 	- Bill Richardson: Fred Flinstone.   
   > 	- John Edwards: A Ken doll.   
   > 	- Condoleeza Rice: Snoop Dogg.   
   > 	- Rudy Giuliani: Skeletor.   
   > 	- Dennis Kuzcynich: a Madagascar aye-aye.  Both live off   
   > grasshoppers.   
   > 	- John Kerry (we didn't do anything yet): A talking tree from   
   > The Wizard of Oz.   
   > 	- Ralph Nader: The Simpsons' Moe.   
   > 	- Hillary Clinton: Chuckie.  They have the same eyes.   
   > 	- George Bush: Patrick from Spongebob Squarepants.   
   > 	   
   > 	They did a great job on the casting.  Kermit vomits more.   
   > 	   
   >   
   >   
   > Dr Phil:   
   > 	- Vomiting Kermit, Masturbating Bear.  Phil wants to   
   > know what kind of show this is.  It's fun, not necessarily a   
   > cry for help.   
   >   
   > 	- Half his producing staff followed to get a glimpse of   
   > Conan.  Dr Phil didn't say they were lovely, just backstage.   
   >   
   > 	- Valentine's Day is coming; it's stressful.  Isn't it?   
   >  Not just stressful.  He thinks it's a conspiracy.   
   >   
   >   
   > 	- You need to put dots very close together and connect   
   > with bright red lines: Men don't even nearly get it when it   
   > comes to romance.  Dr Phil buys nice stuff in the drugstore.   
   > Electric paint stirrer, anything that symbolizes 'be mine' like   
   > that.   
   >   
   > 	- What's Conan's plan for his hair?  Can he see his   
   > face?  Conan has to find it; it's three doors down.   
   >   
   > 	- It's a cliche that men can't express feelings.  Dr   
   > Phil thinks men don't practice.  Women talk about hurt   
   > feelings.  And rub each other with lotions.   
   >   
   > 	- 'Hey, Conan, it's Phil.'  'How did you get this   
   > number?' 'I'm feeling kind of down, can we talk about my   
   > feelings?'   
   >   
   > 	- He claims women use 7,000 words a day and men use   
   > 2,000; Conan asks if this is a fact, a dubious fact else why   
   > would he say it?   
   >   
   > 	- Is Conan's growl a good technique?  No.  Has it ever   
   > worked?  Animals come to him from far away.   
   >   
   >   
   > 	- Dr Phil will yell at severely incompetent parents,   
   > like those with 150-pound five-year-olds.  What are the parents   
   > doing, shooting kids with guns full of muffins?  Who buys the   
   > food?  Who prepares the food? Who presents the food?   
   >   
   > 	- He talks all the time with Oprah; he's the only   
   > graduate from Oprah University, a great way to learn how to do   
   > television.  It's how Conan started.  She had the Kermit idea.   
   >   
   >   
   > The Interrupter:   
   > 	- I don't think I ever saw this sketch before, but it's   
   > pretty much exactly what I imagined apart from the costume.  I   
   > thought it would just be a guy, by which I mean Brian McCann,   
   > in the audience.   
   >   
   > 	- Conan speculates on the Interrupter's high school   
   > life.  He has a fascination with dust mites and a sexual   
   > attraction to rabbis.  Conan turns the tables; he goes off to   
   > make violent love to a CPR dummy dressed like a rabbi.   
   > 	   
   >   
   > Emily Deschanel:   
   > 	- Her character can tell most anything by looking just   
   > at bones. They really can look at a chip and build a model   
   > showing what the guy was wearing when he was killed.   
   >   
   > 	- A signed confession is a bad thing to leave at the   
   > crime scene; but has she learned anything about being a better   
   > criminal?   
   >   
   > 	- She's impressed by the forensic shows by how hard it   
   > is to leave no crime; you'd need a latex bodysuit and Conan   
   > would paint a question mark over the face and he'd have knives   
   > for hands.  He thinks about this a lot.  It's a hard schedule.   
   >   
   >   
   > 	- Conan and Emily both like committing murders and   
   > hanging out in retirement communities.  You don't have to   
   > leave: two restaurants, a bank, a church, a library, a beauty   
   > parlor.  And all the food is mashed up for you.  They have   
   > mimosas on tap.  Conan thinks she was in a bar.   
   >   
   > 	Don't look up 'zentai' at work.  Just saying.   
   >   
   >   
   > Calexico:   
   > 	- From the CD 'Garden Ruin', or something like that.   
   > Had the TV too low to tell what they played.   
   >   
   re: advice on Valentine's Day   
      
   Last Valentine's Day, my husband and I had to run some errands and were   
   in the grocery store, lots of flowers, gifts, signs for Valentine's, of   
   course.  He says, "You don't mind if I don't get you flowers this year,   
   do you?"   
      
   It was NOT the best Valentine's Day ever!   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)