From: nebusj-@-rpi-.edu   
      
   Max Is:   
   	- Like a nervous gangster over there.   
   	   
      
   Conologue:   
   	- Bush hosted a town-meeting in Cleveland.  Bush discussed   
   strategies for getting out of Iraq and Cleveland.   
   	   
   	- Hillary Clinton returned to Arkansas for a political event.   
   For old-times sake she stopped at the governor's mansion and tore the   
   guy a new one.   
   	   
   	- The San Francisco crowd at the All-Star game has given its   
   biggest cheers for Barry Bonds.  The second-biggest cheers have been for   
   antiquing.  That's about what Conan thought he'd get.   
   	   
   	- One reporter said the new Harry Potter movie is the dullest   
   one ever.  He could be right about Harry Potter and the Low-Yield   
   Municipal Bonds.   
   	   
   	- China has built the world's largest restroom, with a thousand   
   toilets.  It's to be known as the Great Stalls of China.   
   	   
   	- In Bill Clinton's new book he tries to demonstrate what he's   
   seen firsthand around the world, which is why it's called Global Booty.   
      
   	   
      
   Celebrity Survey:   
   	- Being pregnant is a great excuse to ... Amanda Peet: pamer   
   yourself.  Kate Hudson: be moody.  Nicole Richie: gain 3/4 of a pound.   
   	   
   	- The one thing I learned from watching the Live Earth concert   
   on TV is... Tom Selleck: I should recycle more.  Drew Barrymore: I need   
   a more fuel-efficinet car.  George W Bush: Geico's so easy a caveman   
   could do it.   
   	   
   	- My candidacy appeals to African-Americans because ... John   
   Edwards: I'm passionate about eradicating poverty.  Barack Obama: I know   
   what it's like to be black.  Hillary Clinton: the brothers love my   
   badunkadunk.   
   	   
   	- Because of my commmitment to the environment I ... Ed Begley   
   Jr: power my home with solar energy.  Sting: donate concert proceeds to   
   save the Earth.  Albert Gore III: evade the cops in a Prius while hopped   
   up on organic, free-range Vicodin.   
   	   
   	- The worst part about going to prison is ... Tommy Lee: not   
   seeing your family.  Martha Stewart: forfeiting your privacy.  Scooter   
   Libby: beats me.   
   	   
   	- The most important step in a twelve-step program is ... Robert   
   Downey Junior: admitting you have a problem.  Charlie Sheen: apologizing   
   to hte people you hurt.  Lindsay Lohan: submitting to a higher power,   
   aka Mr Jack daniels, wooo-hooo (crash) (snore).   
   	   
   	- When people recognize me, they often say ... Mike Meyers:   
   ``Groovy, baby.''  Bono: ``I grew up with your music.''  Scott Baio:   
   ``Buy some food or get out.''   
   	   
   	- When I die, I will be outlived by my ... Russell Crowe: work.   
   Patricia Eaton: children.  Joan Rivers: face.   
   	   
   	- In the final ``Harry Potter'' book I really hope Harry ...   
   Scarlet Johannsen: defeats Voldemort.  Scarlet Johannsen: kisses   
   Hermione.  Michael Jackson: turns 13 again.   
   	   
   	- Before I leave the house I always make sure I ... Matthew Fox:   
   remember my house keys.  Pamela Anderson: put on makeup.  Larry King:   
   tuck my testicles into my sock.   
      
      
      
   Denis Leary:   
   	- He's wearing the same suit as Max.  It's a Ralph Lauren.   
   Conan's is Sears.   
   	   
   	- Red Sox ten games up.  He doesn't feel good about it.  He and   
   Conan have a sense of imminent doom.  This isn't just a New York crowd   
   people come from all over.  Leary forgot the Norway thing.  Finland!   
   Isn't Norway near Finland?   
   	   
   	- Conan could live in Finland.  There's no sun, and he could be   
   depressed there.   
   	   
   	- The 2004 Red Sox win: they were the wild card team and were   
   ready to die until they won.  Ten games ahead, reminds him of Bucky   
   Dent; Boston could be destroyed by earthquake or there could be elbow   
   cancer.   
   	   
   	- He loves batting and charging of the mound, not the rest of   
   the stuff.  He'd play baseball by hitting home runs and beating the   
   pitcher.  He'd need ritalin to play the game, and to watch TV before the   
   game.  He hates pitcher's duels and no-hitters.   
   	   
   	- Conan's idea: if you hit the ball you can choose the direction   
   to run.  Then you're committed.  So players pass each other, and if they   
   pass, one has to burst into flame.  Leary: And NASCAR cars out of the   
   sides and porn on the Jumbotron.   
   	   
   	- Now he's in favor of steroids and every drug for sports.  His   
   example, the Tour de France, 14 days of 12 hours a day riding?  He needs   
   morphine ointment for his testicles and many other drugs to stay   
   interested in the riding.   
   	   
   	- Golf should be played as is, but the rest of us can be in   
   trees with rifles.   
   	   
   	- He watched The Police on Live Earth.  Sting called him a nasty   
   name years ago, but he does yoga.  They sounded great.  But: the carbon   
   footprint thing?  He doesn't care.  He likes turning stuff on.  He hopes   
   his carbon footprint is huge.   
   	   
   	- And don't tell him Al Gore isn't microwaving food, around the   
   clock.   
   	   
   	- China had a mere 3,000 people for their Live Earth concert.   
   Black Eye Peas have 3,000 people in their entourage.  But they just got   
   cars and McDonald's, they don't care to give it up.   
   	   
   	- Al Gore's kid somehow got a Prius up to 110 miles; he wants an   
   Oscar for him for that.  Plus six prescribed drugs, too.  He's a model   
   for presidential sons.   
   	   
   	- He turned fifty and riffs on a Molly Shannon character I never   
   saw.  He thinks he might get some breasts just to annoy people.  It   
   wouldn't make Conan *angry*, but ...   
   	   
   	- Some lady got foot pad fat implants as her feet were too   
   uncomfortable in high heels.  That's not the first thing he'd think to   
   have fat injected.  He'd think of the penis, get some fat in, some faces   
   drawn on ...   
   	   
   	- Jack Nicholson was eating a sandwich the size of Lara Flynn   
   Boyle.  He applauds that.   
      
      
   LaBamba asks for tomorrow night off:   
   	- Conan won't mind if he's gone?  No.  He doesn't realize   
   trombone players are an endangered species.  They are now; during the   
   Big Band era they roamed the land like thundering herds of buffalo.  But   
   after the rock-and-roll era the herd thinned out, and now there's only a   
   few left.   
   	   
   	- The only way to increase the population is sexual   
   reproduction, and a woman hasn't been interested in a trombone player   
   since the late 1840s.   
   	   
   	- They've tried mating LaBamba with a female trombone player,   
   but it's hard to get trombone players to breed in captivity.  They have   
   footage.  LaBamba and a woman trombone sadly in a cell.   
   	   
   	- Trumpet players have avoided extinction by hitting on anything   
   that moves.   
   	   
   	- The hope is like planaria LaBamba begins breeding asexually.   
   He was born with both male and female genitalia.  He's already   
   reproduced by himself, and they show the creepy infant while playing   
   Celebration.   
      
   	+ Very good sketch here, nicely designed and well-executed.   
   Granted they need to have relatively easy-to-write and highly formatted   
   sketches to make the production schedule bearable, but it's in things   
   like this that Conan really shines.   
      
      
   Mark Consuelos:   
   	- He hosts a gaming show.  Would he be the next Chuck Woolery?   
   40-year-old women and 20-year-old women.  His wife seemed a bit mad   
   about it, which is what made him take the job.   
   	   
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)