From: ddrewc@verizonSPAMBEGONE.net   
      
   (Summary of the summary: Conologue, San Francisco week announcement, NCAA   
   March Madness Mascots, and guests Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Harland Williams,   
   and Neil deGrasse Tyson.)   
      
      
   Max is:   
           - wearing a suit made of Play-Doh.   
      
      
   Conologue:   
           - While President Bush was in Mexico this week, he kept sprinkling   
   Spanish words and phrases into all his speeches. At one point, Bush told   
   the Mexicans that their country is ``mucho Salma Hayek.''   
      
           - During a recent campaign speech, Barack Obama complimented his   
   opponent, John Edwards, by calling him ``kind of cute.'' Then he said that   
   Hillary Clinton ``has a really great personality.''   
      
           - The California legislature announced that they have moved their   
   state's Presidential primary from June to February. When asked why, a   
   California lawmaker said, ``Because it's really fun to hear Governor   
   Schwarzenegger try to say `February.' ''   
      
           - Wal-Mart now classifies its customers into three groups: brand   
   aspirationals, price-sensitive affluents and value-price shoppers. When   
   they heard this, Wal-Mart customers said, ``Which aisle has them big   
   bottles of shampoo?''   
      
           - This week in Sweden, police arrested rapper Snoop Dogg on drug   
   charges. Swedish police became suspicious when Snoop Dogg showed up at Ikea   
   and ordered 2,500 meatballs.   
      
           - In New York City, the organizers of the St. Patrick's Day parade   
   are upset because they say that firemen showed up drunk to last year's   
   parade. Officials knew the firemen were drunk when they put out a   
   four-alarm fire by peeing on it.   
      
      
   Comedy bits:   
           - Conan repeats the announcement about the upcoming San Francisco   
   shows (see March 14's summary for more info). Max, typing into his laptop,   
   tells Conan he can't get into the NBC site. Conan asks if Max has reset his   
   browser to accept non-pornographic websites. Problem solved.   
      
           - NCAA March Madness Mascots (segment viewable at NBC.com):   
      
               - University of Illinois S & M Lincoln: Brian McCann in a beard   
   and top hat (a la Abe Lincoln) and dominatrix outfit. He lingers in the   
   hallway after his appearance on stage, creeping out Conan.   
      
               - Boston College Ted Kennedy Passed Out on a Beanbag: a   
   silver-haired dummy -- probably the same dummy of Joel we've seen tossed   
   into the trash truck -- wearing a suit jacket and boxers, lying face down   
   on a beanbag.   
      
               - Albany Dunkin' Munchkin Covered with Dunkin' Munchkins: an   
   actor, covered from head to toe with donut holes, who jumps off a   
   trampoline and dunks a basketball.   
      
               - M.I.T. Guy Who's Proud M.I.T. Doesn't Have a Basketball Team:   
   a nerdy-looking guy who says, ``I don't care for spheres and hoops. All   
   those that do are brainless dupes.'' Then a stray basketball conks him on   
   the head, and he staggers off. Gets almost no laughs -- mostly awws of pity   
   from the audience. Actor who played the nerd (Michael Koman, I think)   
   lingers by the edge of the stage and glares at Conan for a while.   
      
               - University of Georgia Mr. Peanut with an Inner-Ear Disorder:   
   Mr. Peanut, of Planters fame, lacks a sense of balance, teeters, and falls   
   over.   
      
               - Yeshiva University Reverse Bris: an infant (not a real one,   
   but a life-size doll), holding scissors and a razor, looms over the crotch   
   of a prone, pantsless rabbi, as if to circumcise him. Conan: ``I think we   
   just found something creepier than S & M Lincoln hanging out at the end of   
   the hallway.'' Cut to hallway, where S & M Lincoln is whipping Ted   
   Kennedy's rear.   
      
               - Ithaca College Vigriffin: stuffed griffin with an Abe Vigoda   
   mask, flying through the air suspended by wires. But for its arch-rival,   
   Cornell, we have ...   
      
               - Cornell University Griffgoda: actual Abe Vigoda outfitted in   
   wings and lamely attempting to sound like a griffin.   
      
      
   Julia Louis-Dreyfus:   
           - Looks good, feels fantastic -- she just had funky sex with Abe   
   Lincoln backstage. Flew into NYC with a stranger named Keith sitting next   
   to her. The plane started playing her show, "The New Adventures of Old   
   Christine," and Keith watched with his headphones on. Julia was interested   
   in his reaction, but was crushed when the plane started serving meals and   
   forced him to miss the funniest part of the episode. Conan relates a   
   similar story about when he flew JetBlue and his show came on, and   
   neighboring passengers shared their reactions to each monologue joke.   
      
           - She's sick of Seinfeld reruns, which are ubiquitous. One day she   
   found her kids, aged 9 and 14, watching the episode ``The Contest,'' about   
   mastering one's domain. She sent them out of the room, telling them the   
   show was crap.   
      
           - Humor runs in her family. Her great-grandmother used to do   
   impressions of her epileptic teacher. And her grandmother had a dry sense   
   of humor. Her grandmother's sister and best friend died in the same   
   weekend. Another friend called and asked, ``Do you want me to come and be   
   with you?'' Her grandmother said, ``No, you better not. They're all   
   dropping like flies around here.'' Julia: ``Very ballsy lady.''   
      
           - She's going to vacation on the Galapagos Islands, where she will   
   go from island to island to see the various species ... and hunt and kill them.   
      
      
      
           - Between commercial breaks, Conan announces tomorrow's guests, and   
   the 'Tastic dude gives his typical reactions. This time, the book he is   
   reading is called "Lip Infections."   
      
      
      
   Harland Williams:   
           - Is part Irish. He's concerned that the homosexual community has   
   embraced the rainbow. He's worried that the Lucky Charms leprechaun is   
   going to finally get over the rainbow ``and see nine guys in Speedos   
   standing in a hot tub.'' His leprechaun impression sounds like a pirate:   
   ``Shiver me timbers. Shlork de dork.'' On St. Patrick's Day, he's coming to   
   Conan's with a green highlighter and turning them both into green flapjacks.   
      
           - He watched Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth." He thinks to cool   
   the atmosphere, people should ``put your air conditioners on full blast.   
   Sleep with your fridges and your freezers open. Ceiling fans full blast.   
   And open your doors and windows.'' If the planet heats up too much, we   
   should pray for a raisin bran eclipse in which the two scoops of raisins   
   block out the sun's rays.   
      
           - He wanted to go to the museum to see the dinosaur skeletons, but   
   didn't want to pay $12, so he went to Tony Roma's, scraped the rib bones   
   off of everybody's plate, went back to his hotel and made his own dinosaur   
   with a ridiculous name he made up.   
      
           - Tells Conan, ``Your words could cut me into 1,000 different   
   pieces. And each piece would say `I love you.' '' Conan asks him where he   
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)