From: ddrewc@verizonSPAMBEGONE.net   
      
   Max Is:   
      
         - Using a weird emphasis in his ``You, /too/'' (in response to   
   Conan's ``Nice to see you'').   
      
         - (Before the monologue, a couple of audience members, one male and   
   one female, call out ``I love you.'' Conan quiets them and says: ``The   
   `call and response' portion of the show is now over.'')   
      
      
   Conologue:   
      
         - Republican Senator Larry Craig was planning to resign today,   
   according to several well-placed sources in Washington. And by well-placed   
   sources, I mean bathroom attendants.   
      
         - This morning in Iowa, two men took part in Iowa's first legal   
   same-sex marriage. The judge pronounced them husband and husband, and said,   
   ``Now, get the hell out of Iowa.''   
      
         - Teachers are now urging American students to learn Chinese so that   
   they'll be better prepared for the new global economy. Students will learn   
   important Chinese phrases like ``How much lead is in this pacifier?''   
      
         - Yesterday, a man set a record by swimming around the island of   
   Manhattan three times. The man is celebrating his new record with a raging   
   case of dysentery.   
      
         - The U.S. Forest Service says that marijuana plants are spreading   
   throughout California's national forests and soon will cover over 6,000   
   acres of public land. Even better, the Grand Canyon is slowly filling with   
   tequila.   
      
         - Britney Spears is planning a big comeback performance on the MTV   
   Music Awards next month, and she says it's gonna be shocking. Apparently,   
   Britney's gonna come out on stage and feed her children a nutritious meal.   
      
         - According to a new survey, one-third of people over 75 years old   
   say that during the last year, they have given or received oral sex. Which   
   finally explains why they drive so slow. ``Hurry up, Enid! We're almost at   
   the Applebee's!''   
      
      
   Walkover music: "Everybody's Got Something To Hide" by The Beatles   
      
      
   Comedy Bits:   
      
         - Conan asks Max about his plans for the upcoming Labor Day weekend.   
   Max says he has a lot of plans, none of which he can reveal here. Conan is   
   going to Rhode Island to visit family. Max hopes he has good weather.   
   Conan: ``If you could bottle this chemistry, you'd have the world's most   
   lethal weapon.''   
      
         - Conan shows a photo sent by his old classmate, Eddie G., from when   
   he was in eighth grade. He makes fun of his belt in the photo, which has   
   ``40 extra feet'' and a ``license plate'' for a buckle. ``This was taken, I   
   think, moments before my first interracial beating took place.''   
      
         - Conan shows the audience the new DLP projector installed in the   
   show's studio control room. Removing the need for separate monitors, the   
   projector shows a giant image on the wall that can be customized to show a   
   grid with the contents of different video feeds, or just one monolithic   
   feed. With the shot of his face covering the wall, Conan acts like a   
   villain: ``Captain Kirk, I have seized your ship! I am now in control of   
   the Enterprise!'' He plays around with the projector some more, showing   
   himself from different angles as well as his eighth-grade photo. He wonders   
   how much the projector cost, and says NBC should fix prime time before   
   wasting money on things like the projector.   
      
         - The Yankees-Red Sox rivalry is hot these days. NBC will make a TV   
   movie out of it, featuring the following cast assignments:   
      
           - Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett: Limp Bizkit's Fred Durst   
           - Red Sox pitcher Eric Gagne: Seth Rogen   
           - Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter: Lance Bass   
           - Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek: Larry the Cable Guy   
           - Yankee manager Joe Torre: Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia   
           - Red Sox owner John Henry: The Cars' Ric Ocasek   
           - Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez: Vanessa Williams   
           - Yankee slugger Jason Giambi: a traditional Japanese mask of the devil   
           - Red Sox manager Terry Francona: Captain Picard   
           - Red Sox outfielder Manny Ramirez: Whoopi Goldberg   
           - Yankee pitcher Andy Pettitte: an Easter Island statue   
           - Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling: Barney Rubble   
           - Red Sox slugger David Ortiz: the mom from "Good Times"   
      
         - Max's commercial for Miller Chill: Conan says he was approached to   
   do a beer ad, but refused. However, Max went to Japan and made an ad for   
   Miller Chill. They air it. Lots of anime, laughing Japanese girls, zany   
   action, and suggestive imagery that's kind of hard to describe -- you have   
   to see it to really appreciate it. Fortunately, it's viewable as a clip on   
   NBC's web site.   
      
      
   Local Pro Athletes in Low-Budget TV Commercial:   
      
         - This aired between Scarlett Johansson's and Kevin Nealon's interviews.   
      
         - A local baseball and football player semi-literately introduce   
   three of next week's guests: actors Will Arnett and Clive Owen, and musical   
   guest Dinosaur Jr.   
      
         - Football player, introducing Arnett: ``I may be a backup right   
   tackle, but you're gonna crack up and cackle...''   
      
         - Baseball player, for Owen: ``I may hit a line drive, but it ain't   
   no lyin' jive...''   
      
         - Football player, for Dinosaur Jr.: ``I blew out both my knees as a   
   freshman, but if you like cool MP3s that are fresh, man...''   
      
         - Thanks to closed captioning, I got what the announcer says at the   
   end: ``Just three miles west of the Navajo Smoke Shop on Route 39. Just   
   take exit 14 to the unpaved access road, make an illegal U-turn at the   
   abandoned Arby's, and park illegally behind Horny Hank's Marital Aids.   
   Mention this ad and get a bag of Ramen noodles or an `America's Got Talent'   
   toilet brush.''   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)