From: nebusj-@-rpi-.edu   
      
   Jimmy is:   
   	- Working with his mike turned off.   
      
      
   Conologue:   
   	- Jenna Bush doesn't want her wedding in the White House but   
   rather Crawford, Texas, since she wants her dad to be there.   
   	   
   	- If Hillary Clinton wins the nomination she may choose a   
   Hispanic running mate.  Bill Clinton suggested Salma Hyeck.   
   	   
   	- The Iraqi government has ordered $100 million of weapons from   
   China.  They hope the weapons are half as deadly as China's toys.   
   	   
   	- New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg was victim of identity   
   theft.  By the time the thief was arrested he'd already passed three   
   ordinances and dedicated a museum.   
   	   
   	- A porn star named Bobbi Cummings (that's not the joke) claims   
   she recently got out of a speeding ticket by providing oral sex on the   
   cop who pulled her over.  She mentioned she's never paid her gardener or   
   tipped her pizza delivery guy.   
   	   
   	- The FAA reports Newark has the nation's worst record for   
   ontime arrivals, as pilots realize halfway there they're going to   
   Newark, New Jersey.   
   	   
   	- Charlie Sheen's ex-wife claims she's sent pictures of his   
   erect penis to at least thirty women on the Internet.  Those who've seen   
   it say they finally understand the title, Two and a Half Men.   
   	   
      
   Max Is On Tour:   
   	- Conan has to adjust to the drumming at the start of the show.   
   James does it differently from Max.  He should become Max: study wearing   
   glasses and tight, ill-fitting business suits.   
   	   
      
   Questions for James:   
   	- From Bruce from wardrobe, and Suzie the production associate,   
   and Steve the stage hand.  Bruce knew he'd be on TV, and dressed for the   
   occasion.  Bruce is in *wardrobe*.   
      
   	- Steve: Are you gay?  No.  (Bruce pays up to Suzie and Steve.)   
   Conan is horrified they don't have any other questions.   
   	   
   	- Steve: Conan, are you gay?  No.  (Steve pays off to Bruce and   
   Suzie.)   
      
      
   Acutal Items:   
   	- Wilmington (North Carolina) Post: Psychotherapist using   
   hypnosis.  ``You'll feel so relaxed you won't notice I've taken your   
   pants off''.   
   	   
   	- Staten Island (New York) Sun: HDTV.  ``Now can watch the Mets'   
   total collapse in High-Def''.  Audience members seem to argue the   
   collapse.   
   	   
   	- Cherry Hill (New Jersey) Courier: Chocolate-flavored Cap'n   
   Crunch.  ``All aboard the SS Fat Krunk!''   
   	   
   	- Dayton (Iowa, no, Ohio) Post: Little boys' clothing.  ``From   
   our L'il Jim Belushi collection''.  (Funny.  And the kid is dressed   
   better than Bruce.)   
   	   
   	- Las Vegas (Nevada) Post: Comfortable elderly shoes.  ``These   
   will look great in my coffin.''   
   	   
   	- Gillard (Ohio) Gazette: Men's underwear.  ``The perfect place   
   for two hamsters to fight it out.''   
   	   
   	- Bar Harbor (Maine) Becaon: Purdue chicken nuggets.  ``Chickens   
   call me Hitler! -- Jim Purdue.''   
   	   
   	+ A callback to the original Actual Items/It's Obviously True   
   running gag: the Hitler reference.  As long as it's not an invariable   
   feature of the sketch it's potentially funny (as it was here), but   
   please don't take that as a sign that I've rescinded my 1995 opinion   
   that they don't need a Hitler gag in *every* ``It's Obviously True''   
   sketch.   
   	   
   	- Tempe (Arizona) Times: Ponderosa steakhouse.  Buffets:   
   ``Carnival tuesdays, Asian Thursdays, E Coli Fridays.''   
   	   
   	+ Wait, the Ponderosa still exists?   
   	   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)