XPost: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc, alt.tv.mst3k   
   From: nebusj-@-rpi-.edu   
      
   [ SOL DESK.  JOEL is sitting behind the desk, playing with the courderoy   
          starship.  ]   
      
    JOEL: [ Looking up ] Welcome back, folks. It's quiet right now, but   
           I expect my youthful wards Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot to come   
           to me momentarily with some silly but endearing crisis of faith   
           in our pop cultural world.   
     TOM: [ From offscreen ] JOEL!   
    CROW: [ Also offscreen ] We need to talk!   
    JOEL: [ Calling ] That's what I'm here for, guys.   
      
   [ TOM and CROW suddenly enter on opposite sides of JOEL.  TOM is holding   
          "Giant Superman Annual" #1. ]   
      
    CROW: OK, we were reading this bunch of old Superman stories.   
     TOM: And there's this sick one where Lois Lane witnesses a murder but   
            can't give a good description of who did it.   
   [ JOEL picks up TOM's comic book and shows it to the camera. ]   
    CROW: But afterwards she gets accidentally zapped with this experimental   
           ray that's supposed to make plants grow better and it makes her   
           enormously fat.   
     TOM: And it turns out Metropolis is basically worldwide headquarters   
           for ways to embarass fat people.   
    CROW: And after a month of feeling horribly ashamed at Superman seeing   
           her overweight Lois runs into the murderer and he gets ready to   
           shoot her when Superman comes and catches him. Turns out he was   
           watching her the whole time for the muderer to show himself.   
    JOEL: [ Nodding ] I'm with you so far.   
     TOM: OK, but then Superman reveals Lois *wasn't* accidentally zapped   
           with the fat ray. He arranged for it to happen on purpose while   
           he used her -- without *telling* her -- as bait to drag out the   
           bad guy.   
    CROW: And he knew how to get her back to normal anytime he wanted.   
     TOM: So why did Superman want to do anything that changed how she looked?   
    CROW: The fact is, putting aside his non-consenting use of her to trap   
           a crook, the Supester subjected the putative love of his life to   
           an experimental ray that did all sorts of screwball stuff to her   
           metabolism, inflicted who knows what long-term trauma to her   
           cardiac and skeletal systems, and blasted her self-esteem into   
           subatomic pieces, without even thinking to ask her...   
     TOM: And for absolutely no comprehensible reason other than he wanted   
           to watch her being fat!   
    JOEL: Well, hey, nothing wrong with liking a heavy-set girlfriend, right?   
     TOM: Nothing wrong with it, except what kind of *creep* do you have to   
           be to *mutate* your girlfriend to please your own eye?   
    CROW: Yeah! Where's the consideration? Where's the respect? What kind of   
          animals raised Superman anyway?   
    JOEL: That would be his foster parents, Jonathan and Martha Kent.   
    CROW: And could they not take a moment to explain to Clark he should ask   
           someone before transmogrifying her?   
     TOM: Isn't this basic, common courtesy?   
    JOEL: Guys, it's just an old comic book...you shouldn't try to read too   
           much into it.   
      
   [ MOVIE SIGN.  General alarm. ]   
      
    JOEL: We gotta run, guys!   
    CROW: Oh, and don't get us *started* on the comic where Lois gets turned   
           into a witch!   
     TOM: Crow, come on!   
      
      
   [ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]   
      
   [ ALL enter theater ]   
      
     TOM: And then right here in the back of the book, Batman and Superman   
           play this duel of mind-warping games in pursuit of some mad   
           birthday prank!   
    CROW: Not to mention the mermaid!   
    JOEL: I wouldn't.   
      
   >               Whacked-out Querl Dox,   
      
    JOEL: [ Singing ] Querl Dox...a little dox'll do ya!   
      
   >                                      who builds the machines   
   > that go berserk."   
      
    CROW: Just 'cause they accidentally blew up seventeen planets you think   
           I'm the problem.   
      
   >                   He pointed the electronic spanner at Jo   
   > viciously.   
      
     TOM: Heh...you know what he's *really* saying...   
    CROW: No, actually, I don't.   
     TOM: [ After a pause ] Me neither.   
      
   >            "Supergirl died to save the universe from the   
   > Anti-Monitor.   
      
    CROW: Isn't that always the way?   
      
   >                She was always risking her life to save   
   > others.   
      
     TOM: And vice-versa.   
      
   >          That devotion...that selflessness shouldn't be   
   > allowed to perish from the universe before its time!  She was   
   > only in her twenties...   
      
    JOEL: Oh, but that's actually in dog-twenties.   
      
   >                        who knows how long she could have   
   > lived, fighting all the time to save others."   
      
     TOM: Uhm...I'll say eight.  No, ten.  Definitely ten.   
      
   >      He dropped his head and arm abruptly. "Not like me.  I   
   > try to good, and what happens?   
      
    CROW: Maybe if he tried to great instead, things would average out?   
      
   >                                 People die.  I build the   
   > Earth's most powerful AI, and it rampages through Metropolis.   
      
    JOEL: That's Metropolis's fault, though, for not enacting those   
           no-rampaging-AI ordinances a few years back.   
      
   > Pulsar Stargrave uses my genius, and I channel all the   
   > universe's evil into Omega."   
      
     TOM: I set the VCR to tape "Pokemon" and it melts Spain.   
      
   >                               A broad arm gesture took in the   
   > Exchanger, the two flat bed with the powerful apparatus   
   > connecting them.   
      
    CROW: So this exchanger is pretty much your generic Two-Victim Bad   
           Guy Machine.   
      
   >                  "Once this is working again, I'll be able to   
   > transfer my life energy into Kara and bring her back to life.   
      
    JOEL: Even though everything else I've ever tried has screwed up   
           in horrible, terrifying ways.   
      
   > I'm willing to die to bring her back."   
   >      _Dr. Frankenstein has entered the headquarters_, thought   
   > Jo.  "Don't talk like that, Brainy.   
      
     TOM: Let's just cuddle instead.   
      
   >                                      You don't really want to   
   > die.  Is it really worth it?"   
   >      "Ask Matter-Eater Lad,   
      
    CROW: Oh, he's the guy with the power to turn anything in the world   
           into garlic bread.   
      
   >                             who went insane because of me.   
   > Ask Duo Damsel, whose third body was killed by Computo.   
      
    JOEL: Fortunately Duo doesn't hold grudges.   
      
   >                                                          Ask   
   > the people whose homes were leveled by Omega, or whose loved   
   > ones he killed.  They'd say it's a fair exchange."   
   >      Jo held his hands up in a T. "All right, time out.   
      
     TOM: Offensive holding; ten yard penalty.   
      
   > Enough with the death talk for a moment, and for God's sake   
   > put down the spanner."   
      
    CROW: You have no idea where it's been.   
      
   >                        Jo's blue eyes met Brainy's yellow-   
   > and-green ones, and locked with them.  Finally Brainy lowered   
   > his gaze and placed the spanner on a table.   
      
     TOM: Secretly unknown to Brainiac 5, Jo is his older brother Rex   
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)