XPost: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc, alt.tv.mst3k   
   From: nebusj-@-rpi-.edu   
      
   [ START.  The Brains are in the theater. ]   
      
   >   
   >       Eating for Death   
      
     TOM:  My favorite _Columbo_ episode!  Patrick McGoohan plays this   
   world-famous chef being blackmailed and ...   
      
      
   >   
   >       By Bernarr Macfadden   
      
    CROW:  Um ...   
     TOM:  Yeah, exactly which parts of that name are spelled wrong?   
      
   >   
   >       _Physical Culture_, March 1922   
      
    MIKE:  I forgot to renew my subscription!   
      
   >   
   >       THE crime of the age is meal eating timewithout   
   > appetite.   
      
    CROW:  Also that Sacco and Vanzetti thing.  But mostly eating.   
     TOM:  Snacking is the misdemeanor of the age!   
      
   >   
   >       It is the direct cause of more suffering,   
   > weakness and disease than any other evil.   
      
    CROW:  Even more than not appreciating your parents?   
      
   >   
   >       It poisons the life stream at its very source.   
      
     TOM:  Its Snackables!   
      
   >   
   >       ``The blood is the life.''   
      
    MIKE:  The spice is the life?   
     TOM:  The blood is spiced?   
      
   >                                   The quality of this   
   > liquid determines vital activity throughout every part of   
   > the body.   
      
    CROW:  I think Bernarr Macfadden grossly underestimates the importance of   
   acetylcholinesterase.   
    MIKE:  You're *always* accusing people of underestimating the importance of   
   acetylcholinesterase.   
    CROW:  I just think it's very important is all.   
      
   >   
   >       You can be a palpitating force, a veritable human   
   > dynamo,   
      
     TOM:  You can be a large turtle-like artificial intelligence!   
    CROW:  You can be a leading importer of cheese to Denmark!   
    MIKE:  You can be several key innovations in the history of Timothy hay!   
      
   >         or you can be a half-alive mass of human   
   flesh >not unlike the jelly-fish.   
      
    CROW:  Jellyfish are made of human flesh?   
     TOM:  Ew ew ew ew ew ew *ew*.   
      
   >                                   It is the quality of   
   > your blood that determines entirely to which class you   
   > belong.   
      
    CROW:  Is this gonna be one of those stories where Bernarr Macfadden finds   
   out his blood was replaced with a high-grade polymer and suddenly nobody will   
   talk to him anymore?   
      
   >   
   >       Eating without appetite means devitalized blood.   
      
    MIKE:  Or that you're putting more melted cheese on everything.   
      
   > The stomach is not ready to digest food at such times.   
      
     TOM:  It's off wandering around, taking in museums, reading good books, and   
   then you throw a big slab of bean-and-cheese burrito at it.   
      
   >   
   >       It appetite is a strong craving food for   
      
    CROW:  A lesser craving for pottery shards.   
      
   >                                                   which   
   > definitely indicates that the stomach is ready for   
   > digestion.   
      
     TOM:  Why not just wait for the stomach to call?   
    CROW:  Yeah, like, 'Hey, stomach here.  I'm raring to digest!'   
      
   >             The food eaten is then keenly enjoyed.   
      
    MIKE:  Well, it is like 2016.   
     TOM:  So?   
    MIKE:  So who calls for *that*?  That's more like a tweet or a text message   
   or something.   
    CROW:  Excuse *us* for maintaining some dignified propriety, Mike.   
      
   >   
   >       The pleasure in eating serves a very valuable   
   > purpose.   
      
    MIKE:  It gives us a reason to go eat a second time, sometime.   
      
   >           It not only causes an unusual activity of the   
   > salivary glands, but also of the glands of the stomach.   
      
     TOM:  Glands!  Is your stomach going through puberty?   
    CROW:  It's so awkward to have esophageal zits.   
      
   > So that when the food arrives in this organ, digestion   
   > and assimilation progress rapidly and satisfactorily.   
      
    MIKE:  Though not without some sarcasm.   
      
   >   
   >       Now when you eat without appetite, these   
   > invaluable functional processes are inactive or entirely   
   > absent   
      
     TOM:  They take one sabbatical year and everything comes crashing down!   
      
   >        and the food can do nothing but lie like lead in   
   > the stomach.   
      
    MIKE:  Stop eating lead!  There's your problem.   
      
   >   
   >       You say it won't digest.   
      
     TOM:  *You* say it won't digest.  We're just nibbling some here.   
      
   >                                 Why should it?  No   
   > self-respecting stomach will allow itself to be outraged   
   > in this manner, without protest.   
      
    MIKE:  My stomach's wracked with depression and low self-esteem though.   
    CROW:  Well, so you can eat any old time.   
    MIKE:  Which ... fits.   
      
   >   
   >       Eat at meal time if you are hungry, but if the   
   > food has no taste respect the mandates of your stomach   
      
    MIKE:  And sprinkle on the MSG powder.   
      
   > and wait until the next meal or until your appetite   
   > appears, even if it takes several meals or several days.   
      
     TOM:  If you never eat again, then you may be losing weight.   
      
   >   
   >       The ``eat-to-keep-up-your-strength'' idea that   
   > has been advocated for generations by allopathic   
   > physicians,   
      
    CROW:  *And* Popeye!   
    MIKE:  Gotta respect Popeye on strength.   
      
   >             has sent, literally, millions of people to   
   > premature graves.   
      
     TOM:  Underneath a giant avalanche of casseroles and loaves of bread!   
      
   >   
   >       Even a person in good health can miss one meal or   
   > fifty meals, for that matter, without serious results.   
      
    CROW:  Fifty meals!  You'd be spending your whole day eating at that rate.   
     TOM:  You know you miss all the meals you don't eat.   
      
   > But abstinence of some sort is absolutely essential if   
   > appetite is missing; and is especially necessary in many   
   > illnesses.   
      
    MIKE:  Like chronic mouthlessness.   
     TOM:  McWhirtle's Indigestibility Fever.   
    CROW:  Temporarily made of cardboard; can't take liquids.   
      
   >   
   >       There is no sauce better than hunger;   
      
    CROW:  Except bleu cheese salad dressing.   
      
   >                                             and there   
   > can be no health of a superior sort, unless food is eaten   
   > with enjoyment.   
      
    MIKE:  Wait, so now enjoyment is a sauce?   
    CROW:  *Yes*, and it's made of bleu cheese.   
      
   >   
   >       When you eat a meal with what is known as a   
   > ``coming appetite''   
      
     TOM:  My appetite went upstairs and it can't find the way back.   
    CROW:  ``The stairs are past the third door!''   
    MIKE:  ``I can't find the door!''   
    CROW:  ``Are you in a room or in the hall?''   
    MIKE:  ``I ... don't know?''   
      
   >                     you are often treading on dangerous   
   > ground.  This ``coming appetite'' is often due to   
   > overstimulation of nerves   
      
    MIKE:  By the penetrating electropasta needles.   
      
   >                           rather than to natural bodily   
   > demand, and is, therefore, frequently of the voracious   
   > character.  It compels you to overeat.   
      
     TOM:  To be fair, ordering a box of Hypnofood didn't help.   
      
   >                                         You are not   
   > satisfied until you eat so much you cannot hold any more.   
      
    CROW:  Eat until fingers don't work.  Got it.   
      
   >   
   >       At such times a fast is often necessary.  But if   
   > you cannot do that it is absolutely essential that the   
   > meals should be very light,   
      
     TOM:  Chew on a balloon, or possibly a bulb of some kind.   
    MIKE:  Any method of general illumination will do.   
      
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)