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   STAND BACK, THIS MIGHT GET LOOSE   
      
   I learned something yesterday that I wish I hadn't.   
      
   Some men sit down to pee.   
      
   Apparently, a lot of men sit down to pee.   
      
   And that stupefies me.   
      
   What makes it worse, they don't mind talking about it. They defend   
   it. They almost brag about it.   
      
   Un-freaking-believable.   
      
   In this space yesterday there was a column about the feminization of   
   American men. In a reference to that, I mentioned that some men sit   
   down to pee. It was metaphorical. It was the sort of jab men make at   
   each other. If some guy makes reference to something he saw on Oprah   
   you tell him he's wearing a nice skirt or you ask if he sits down to   
   pee.   
      
   It's kind of based on the assumption that men, having penises and   
   flies, stand up to pee.   
      
   It's what separates us from "Pride and Prejudice" fans.   
      
   Anyway, I didn't actually believe that any men really sat down to   
   pee. Sure, maybe guys who've had some kind of prostate cancer or   
   unfortunate bicycle accidents, or maybe really old guys, but not men.   
   Not real men.   
      
   Then they started coming out of the woodwork.   
      
   Some posted comments on this web site. Others called the radio show.   
   All squatters. They weren't the least bit ashamed. They seemed   
   oblivious to the fact that they are freaks.   
      
   Generally, they fell into three categories.   
      
   Those who sit to pee at night because somehow they can't find the   
   hole. Those who sit to pee because they fear they'd miss the hole   
   otherwise and think squatting is considerate to their wives. Those who   
   sit to pee so that they can read or drink their morning coffee.   
      
   Some even described sitting down to take their morning pee as some sort   
   of relaxing ritual.   
      
   Repeating: They are all freaks.   
      
   Unfortunately, the Patriot Act does not allow these "men" to be   
   rounded up and taken directly to Gitmo.   
      
   I even heard of one woman who insisted that all the men in her   
   household sit down, so they wouldn't miss and leave her a mess to   
   clean up. She supposedly imposed this on her husband, sons and   
   grandsons.   
      
   How she enforced it, or knew if it was violated, I don't know. How   
   three generations of men in one family could be so henpecked as to give   
   up the free use of their penises is beyond me.   
      
   Let me tell you how things are supposed to be.   
      
   When it comes to urination, men stand and women squat. Except drunk   
   women and camping women, who sometimes will experiment with standing,   
   usually with wet socks being the result.   
      
   Men stand because they have specialized equipment called a   
   tallywhacker. It is a telescoping device with a multi-directional   
   capacity which greatly facilitates urination. Whereas women have to   
   peel off layers of expensive Victoria's Secret stuff to do their   
   business, men just have to unzip their fly and deploy the space   
   shuttle's robotic arm.   
      
   It's really a lot easier.   
      
   And it's not that difficult.   
      
   It's not a particularly significant feat of hand-eye coordination to   
   make the little stream of you-know-what go where you want it to go. All   
   those stories about writing your name in the snow are true. All these   
   years of aiming at a urinal cake have paid off.   
      
   You doubt my word, throw a Cheerio in the toilet and watch the men line   
   up to take a shot at it.   
      
   It's sort of like when the firemen attack a burning house. They just   
   grab hold of the hose and open up the nozzle. Then they hang on for   
   dear life.   
      
   Usually, men don't pee on the floor. If a guy misses the hole, it's   
   usually because he's not paying attention. Most guys have even   
   perfected the hit-the-side maneuver, to avoid the Niagara Falls sound   
   effects being heard in adjoining rooms.   
      
   So these stories about guys sitting down so as not to make a mess that   
   upsets their wives don't make sense. How bad must the Parkinson's   
   be that you can't hit the hole?   
      
   And these guys who worry about peeing in the dark, what kind of idiots   
   are they? Sure, you stagger around when you get up in the night, but   
   that's why they made night lights. Besides, any urinater worth his   
   salt knows that in the dark you bring your right shin against the   
   toilet and aim at the 10 o'clock position of where you feel the shin   
   touch the toilet.   
      
   Finally, anybody who's got time to lounge around on the toilet   
   reflecting on his most recent whiz is a double freak. It doesn't take   
   that long to take a leak. It just sort of comes out. If you're a   
   young man or you've been saving up a while, it comes out really   
   quick. But either way, after about 30 seconds you've spent enough   
   time to drain two or three bladders.   
      
   And there you are with your knickers down around your ankles like   
   you're the queen of England sitting on her throne.   
      
   This whole thing bothers me.   
      
   Because there are certain immutable truths in the universe. Fire is   
   hot, water is wet, snow is white.   
      
   And men stand up to pee.   
      
   At least real men do.   
      
      
   - by Bob Lonsberry © 2005   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)