XPost: soc.culture.vaudeville   
   From: docmartian@gmail.com   
      
   THE "There's gunna be a Rumble" Battle Royal   
      
   I: The Prank   
      
   OK. I am not a member of 'Fight Club'. One exists. It has for many,   
   many, years. Since at least 570 ad.   
      
   It was founded by the person known as King Arthur today. You may   
   'Huzzah'.   
      
   This starts as a prank. A rather good one. I came up with it.   
      
   That prank involved Buddy Hackett, most of the Tonight Show, Peter   
   O'Toole, Steven Wright, Faye Dunaway, and Don Rickles. Also, last and   
   least, Rodney Dangerfield. It was designed by the author of the work you   
   are reading. Although some of the tech was in existence, such as   
   satellite dishes.   
      
   I telepathically communicated the elements of this prank to Johnny   
   Carson, one night on the show when he was hosting Rodney Dangerfield in   
   1981.   
      
   Buddy Hackett had been itching for years to guest host 'The Tonight   
   Show'. In 1980 he even wanted to armwrestle Johnny Carson for a guest   
   host spot.   
      
   Johnny one night called Buddy and said, "Would you like to guest host   
   tomorrow?" Buddy flew all the way from Atlantic City for the chance. At   
   4 pm he arrived at The Burbank Studios, the home of 'The Tonight Show'.   
   Ed McMahon with a golf hat and a small bag of clubs greeted him,   
   encouraged him, and said "You'll do a great job, check the stage desk   
   drawer on the left for some hooch."   
      
   Buddy went upstairs, had a shot of Jack Daniels, and toasted "To Frank!"   
      
   Dah dah dahh dahhhh dahh…   
   So Buddy steps out of the curtains and flips the audience 'the bird'.   
   Things devolve from there. Dangerfield is out in the audience, and he   
   hollers "Where the fuck's Johnny?!" Buddy yells, "GET THE FUCK OUTTA   
   HERE!" Rodney leaves.   
      
   Buddy is a crowd-pleaser though. So he hollers "Fuck the monologue, I   
   wanna get Faye Dunaway out here, She's NUTS!" The crowd roars. The phone   
   rings, Buddy yells "That's Peter O'Toole on the phone. Fucker is sick…   
   SICK DRUNK!" He strides over into Hollywood history.   
      
   "Hey Pete. Yah went to the fucking Clown Room. Serves yah right." and he   
   hangs up.   
      
   Let's get that weirdo out here.   
      
   Steven Wright does a priceless 10 minute stand-up routine. Some of his   
   greatest: his psychotherapist, his existential concerns, his   
   relationship with God, and of course this one… "A beautiful woman moved   
   in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't   
   borrow this." "I will."   
      
   Steve's sittin' there. Buddy sez, "I don't even wanna talk to you" and   
   yells… "Bring fucking Rickles out!"   
   'The Matador' starts playing. Don parades out in his inimitable style.   
   Unlike usual at this point in his career, he's elected to do some   
   standup and starts insulting the crowd like at his Vegas gig. He calls   
   one a jagoff, he calls another a butthead, he slings and burns about 15   
   people based on them, their wives, or any family members they might   
   have. Then he turns to Hackett, and says to Doc Severinsen "Where the   
   fuck's Johnny and who let the Gargoyle in?" Buddy jumps outta his chair   
   and he and Don circle each other like pitbulls getting ready to throw.   
   Then all bonhomie, he indicates the guest chair, puts his arm around   
   Don's shoulder, and says "I love yah Don, welcome to the show."   
      
   Don sits down, they start to talk about some old friends, Don tells a   
   story about being locked out of his house in his underwear and getting   
   the cops called on him by the new neighbors. Buddy sez, "You want some   
   hooch?" pulls a fifth of Jameson Irish Whiskey out, Lifts it, and says   
   "Fuck you, Johnny!" downs about 1/3 of it. hands it to Don, who follows   
   suit, and Don passes it to Steven who says "Really?" Buddy yells, "Faye   
   Dunaway's NUTS! You'll want it." Steven's no fool, he douses the rest of   
   the bottle.   
      
   Break time. Coffee is served and they first see HER. A figure swaddled   
   in black diaphanous fabric. She looked like a Nazgûl, a ghost, dark, a   
   face but not visible, like drifting mystic robes. REALLY scary. She's in   
   the wings. She's Faye Dunaway's +1.   
      
   Her name is Jacqueline Malouf. She was and often is a friend of John   
   Wayne's. Nobody knew that until after the Northridge Quake-signaled   
   Battle Royal.   
      
   So the commercial ends. Faye Dunaway walks out, kind of hounded looking,   
   like someone's behind her, like Lorre at the end of 'M'. The shrouded   
   figure can ALMOST be seen right behind the curtain as she steps out.   
      
   She stands dead center on stage, and says "YOU ALL ARE DOOMED!"   
      
   Then she walks over to the chair and sits down. Don drinks his coffee   
   while rattling the saucer.   
      
   She sits, looks off to her right and waves furtively.   
      
   Buddy is chewing on a pencil like a bone. Steven is perched on the edge   
   of his chair.   
      
   She sits between Steven and Don even though she could take the chair by   
   the desk.   
      
   Buddy recovers. "Faye, How are you?" said warmly.   
      
   Faye looks at Buddy and says. "You're an asshole, where the fuck's   
   Johnny?"   
      
   Buddy yells, "Get the fuck outta here!"   
      
   She exits, but not before the camera catches a glimpse of HER!   
      
   Buddy really didn't wanna screw around with a sketch, knowing he'd be   
   drunk. He recovers quickly, says, "The question of the night seems to be   
   Where The Fuck's Johnny." I've prepared a series of diagrams to   
   indicate. And he walks over to a modified Art Fern (Johnny's crooked   
   huckster) stand with an easel with big placards of which the exposed one   
   says "Where the Fuck's Johnny!"   
      
   Buddy gets behind the counter. Leans his hands on the counter. Cleans   
   off the prints with his tie. Then, pulls down the card to reveal a   
   picture of Johnny with several dark haired hairy short muscular Serbian   
   dudes massaging him. The caption which Buddy reads, says "Cheating on   
   the wife."   
      
   Then, he pulls down the next card. Same picture. "Still cheating on the   
   wife."   
      
   Next card. A picture of Ed McMahon in boxers with a case of Budweiser   
   half dusted on a crapass endtable, half-crocked in his chair. "Getting   
   Pizza." As with all photos the faces are obviously cropped in.   
      
   Then Buddy blows kisses at the crowd, says "Have a great night everyone!   
   I just did. Get me the flock outta here!"   
      
   An SR-71 pilot is waiting for him at Burbank Airport.   
      
   On his way down the stairs to his Tonight Show limo, he took a puff of   
   cannabis, he had suffered migraines in the past and had a savvy lawyer.   
   It was legal for him to smoke then as long as it was not imported. About   
   then the next flight down the stairs an usher said, "Buddy, Johnny is on   
   the phone for you." That usher was Sean Connery in disguise.   
      
   "Buddy! I heard yah did a great job, catch the ferry (what the Tonight   
   Show staff called the SR-71) back to Atlantic City and we'll discuss   
   your complimentary video of tonight's show tomorrow. Can I call you at   
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)