From: ptkeske@comcast.net   
      
   GRANDPA RECALLS   
      
   Hip-hip-hooray!  They just passed a $787 billion   
   dollar stimulus package.  I knew that President   
   Roosevelt would come through for us little guys.   
      
   I'd jump for joy in my hip-hooray, but I just had   
   another  hip surgery.   
      
   Wait a minute...  FDR isn't still the President, is he?   
   It's somebody new, isn't it?   Oh, yeah, that real   
   young fella.   Oh, what's the difference?   
      
   You kids shouldn't laugh. The more things change, the   
   more they same the same.  Just because there's a little   
   snow on the roof,  that doesn't mean that there's not   
   still a fire in furnace.  I'm very fond of saying that.   
   Drives the kids nuts.  That's why I'm fond of saying it.   
      
   I bet all these young, wet-behind-the-ears, Obama-era   
   Baby Boomers probably don't remember this, but I think it   
   was on September 30 in nineteen hundred and 33, that   
   President Roosevelt passed a $700 million package   
   to help the 3.5 million American families on relief rolls.   
      
   That was chicken-feed compared to the $2 billion that   
   President Hoover had provided in business loans through   
   the Reconstruction Finance Corporation, to prop us industry.   
   But at least FDR cared about us regular folks, not just   
   the ding-dang businessmen.   
      
   Then in 1933 there was a farm relief bill for $3 billion, and   
   there was $175 million in 1929 for public buildings, and   
   $400 million for state roads and $200 million for Navy ships   
      
   My wife Doris, rest her soul, wanted $39 for a new vacuum   
   cleaner, but I said, "No".   
      
   I can't quite figure it in my head, anymore.  A hundred seventy-five   
   million plus 3 billions, times 2009 minus 1930, carry the one,   
   figure in inflation at 3-5% per annum, times 79 years, which would   
   be approximately 1.04 raised to the 79th power, and uhm..   
   What was I trying to figure?   
      
   Oh, heck with it.  I think that $787 billions sounds like plenty.   
   Oughta be more than enough.   
      
   Those were the days, the 1930s, my friend.  Our dreams are   
   still the same, us old fools.   
      
   You could buy a Butterfinger candy bar for 5 cents.   
      
   George G. Blaisdell invented the Zippo lighter in 1932.   
   Caught on like wildfire, if you don't mind my pun.   
      
   It's kind of a play on words.   
      
   In 1933, the University of Chicago uncovered the magnificent   
   palace of King Xerxes in Greece.  Alexander the Great had   
   torched the whole city of Persepolis, in a drunken rage, but   
   excavators still found some fine murals in flaming scarlet   
   paint among the burned debris.  Betcha never heard that one,   
   did ya?   
      
   FDR said, "The only thing that we have to fear is fear itself".   
   That was on March 4, 1933.  In spite of the grave economic   
   crisis, Washington was festooned with flags and lively   
   marching bands.   I think that FDR said that, because   
   he really understood:  in this whole, great capitalist system   
   of ours, greed and fear are the probably the two most dominating   
   motivating forces.  When greed rules, those are good times.   
   When fear rules, you need a war to stimulate the economy.   
      
   Just remember that. Nothing to fear but fear.   
   And maybe the H-bomb, but that didn't come for a few more decades.   
      
   Then FDR took us off the gold standard.  I was never   
   sure about that one.  Gold seems to be doing better than dollars.   
      
   In 1935 the New York Times circulation had fallen to 9,000   
   and it was losing $1000 per day.  People didn't give it long.   
      
   I remember on Jan 8, 1931 when Pope Pompous XI issued   
   a big encyclopedia, I mean an encyclical denouncing   
   the evils of birth control.  He urged for public officials   
   to join the Church's crusade to defend morality, and   
   cited the Vatican's recent concordat with Mr. Mussolini.   
      
   A lotta history has a kinda familar ring.   
      
   On May 31, 1931 Pope Pompous XI denounced Mussolini,   
   because the fascists had been attacking church property.   
   He also condemned communism as being irreconsillyable,   
   I mean irrwreckonciliable,  irresponsible syllables,   
    I mean irreconcilable, god-dang it, with Church doctrine.   
   Mussolini,  Hitler, America, J.P Morgan and the Church   
   could all still agree on that point.   
      
   Later, Pope Pompous and this Mussolini-fella kissed and   
   made up, though. No, literally, I really mean it,   
    I'm not kiddin.  The very next year, on Feb 11, 1932   
   Mussolini literally threw himself to his knees and   
   kissed the Pope's hand.  The Pope invited Mussolini   
   into his private library.  I don't know what they did in there,   
   but they were in there for about an hour.  Look it up.   
      
   Oh, wait a minute.  I've been saying it wrong.   
   It wasn't Pope Pompous XI.  What the tarnation was it?   
   Pius?  Porous? Poor-house? Pie-hole? Something like that.   
      
   That reminds me- last time I went into the Stop&Shop,   
   I was just looking for some prune juice for my bowels,   
   and they had this whole aisle that said "Juice Isotonics"   
   or something like that.  Now what in the Sam Hill Blue   
   Blazes are "Isotonics"?  I can't keep up with all this   
   crazy new-fangled stuff.   
      
   There were lots of scandals, back then.  In Feb 1931,   
   there were indictments against Bank of United States   
   President Bernard K. Marcus.   The credibility of banks   
   had suffered since the '29 crash, and that kinda stuff didn't help.   
      
   They had a new plan based on the earlier restructuring of the   
   Knickerbocker Trust Company by J.P. Morgan, in 1907.   
   They had thought that one was a big success.   
      
   You kids probably don't even remember knickers, do ya?   
   Well, don't get your knickers in knot.  You could be wearing   
   a Zoot Suit, but probably you'll be wearing a wooden barrel   
   held up by suspenders.   
      
   It's kind of a silver lining for us old fuddy-duddies.  You kids   
   always got bored by our war stories and didn't wanna hear   
   about the Great Depression days, but maybe now you'll listen.   
      
   Then came all the crooks- Pretty Boy Floyd, Bonnie and Clyde,   
   Al Capone,  Ma Barker, Legs Diamond, Baby Face Nelson.   
   You know, when I think about it, for a bunch of violent criminals,   
   a heck of a lot of these had some kinda candy-assed sounding names.   
   Pardon my French, parly-vous excuse-me-waah.   
      
   I can see that one comin', I tell ya.  Probably see that   
   same kinda thing, all over again.   
      
   You know, when they used to call us "Old Flatulences",   
   I used to think that was just a random, meaningless irreverent   
   figure of speech.  But now I know better.  When you get   
   old, your bowels really start getting cranky.  You start   
   getting more cranky, too.   The whole danged world and   
   human civilization are starting to get old, and don't smell   
   so good, either.  Don't laugh, you'll be just the same.   
      
   But you know what my secret is for living so long?   
   On Sept 9, 1933 Robert A. Chesebrough finally died,   
   at the ripe old age of 96.  How did he do it?   
      
   He was the guy who invented Vaseline, in 1870.   
      
   He attributed his  longevity to having a spoonful of   
   Vaseline, every day of his life.  He considered it a   
   virtual cure-all.   
      
   It's too bad that it's a petroleum product, cause it   
   will  probably get more expensive, but take it   
   from an old-timer.   Vaseline should only be used   
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)