since posting a weeks ao that I was determined to end my life by the helium   
   method, yesterday was the first chance I had to stop.  Stop planning, stop   
   controlling my emotions so I could carry out those plans, .  What I have felt   
   for the last 24 hrs is    
   rage.  The rage is against SC, it's inhuman laws and the doctors who have   
   abandoned me and everyone else like me.  I did not come to SC to die. I came   
   here to live for 9 months while I e-published my manuscript as a memoir.l and   
   then I planned to spend    
   the next 9 months touring in Europe.  Instead I am planning to pull a bag of   
   helium over my head in spite of six years of clinical records and continuous   
   treatments, in spite of making two separate appointments with pain management   
   doctors and two vistis    
   to the emergency room.   
   .the helium method is effective, quick and it is painless but it is also   
   ugly.  It is not like swallowing pills and peacefully drifting off on a   
   cloud.  It is akin to constructing one's personal gas chambert to pull it over   
   your head.  I have the courage    
   and at the end I will have the peace of knowing all my affairs are put in   
   order, but right now, what I have is rage and that is a MOST appropriate   
   emotion to have ..I am not 'going Gentle into that dark night...I am   
   raging..Raging at the Dying of my    
   Light.    
   Having said all this, I will try to put everything aside for Xmas day, listen   
   to beautiful music tonight, watch Netflix, read books tomorrow and eat good   
   food.  I hope you all too will find good and pleasant moments for the day   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)