I just stumbled upon here. I've been in and out of suicidality for a long   
   time. I know, logically speaking, I won't improve - in part because I've set   
   it up that way, sabotaged myself with a defeatist attitude and refusal to try.   
   I'm just not a good    
   person, I'm sick of having a personality disorder, I'm sick of treatments not   
   working. I've tried DBT. It helped.... but then it stopped helping because I   
   don't care enough to improve myself. I know most of my friends will survive   
   without me. There's one    
   who's also suicidal but he's still trying. I don't think he'd want to make a   
   pact with me. He's still convinced I can get better. And I could, maybe, I   
   just don't want to, because I always get worse and I've set it up so that   
   everything goes to shit when    
   just one little thing goes wrong. I guess. It's hard to explain. I guess I   
   could say I'm giving natural selection a hand.    
      
   But I'm fucking terrified. Will it hurt? What if I try the OD and drown method   
   and I wake up at the bottom of the river? What if hell is real and I end up   
   there, and it's something even worse than what I could imagine because it can   
   bend the nature of    
   reality itself (I'm not even religious!)? What if I really don't want to die   
   and just want attention? What if I back out? What if it's too late for me to   
   change my mind? What if I live? And beyond all the what ifs the concept of   
   ending your own life in    
   and of itself is scary to me because of how taboo it is. I've thought about   
   having a partner, but the only one I'd want to be with is still trying to   
   live. And I really hope he does, because he could make this world a better   
   place. I just can't. And if    
   he decides not to, I'd be too selfish to not make a pact with him if he were   
   willing, and honestly I'm surprised he still wants to be friends with me as   
   I've given him a lot of grief... Anyway.    
      
   I do have a method, though. Well, a few I'm debating between. Gunshot wound to   
   the head, lying on the train tracks, and the third one, which is my most   
   well-thought out. I'd drive off somewhere where hopefully no one would find me   
   for awhile. I'd have a    
   mini grill or pan or something to set my charcoal on (not sure what I'd use),   
   burn that briefly, then set it in the car. Overdose on pills and alcohol   
   (whatever I can get, honestly, but probably vodka because it gets me really   
   drunk). If I do this before    
   the weather warms up, we can add hypothermia to the mix, I'll pour some ice   
   water on myself or something, hopefully get knocked out by the drugs, and   
   either die of CO poisoning or hypothermia, whichever comes first. Probably   
   there's a million things    
   wrong with it, but it's the same painless-and-combining-methods idea as helium   
   bag while wearing weights - just without that image of waking up at the bottom   
   of the river. Of course, I still keep thinking, what if something goes wrong,   
   what if what if.    
   Which makes me wonder whether a gun wouldn't be a better idea after all.    
      
   I don't know. I feel like it's stupid to be scared and that being scared makes   
   it so I don't "count" as suicidal.   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)