From: joshuacarter695@gmail.com   
      
   On Sunday, January 11, 2015 at 12:31:40 AM UTC-7, mker...@gmail.com wrote:   
   > I just stumbled upon here. I've been in and out of suicidality for a long   
   time. I know, logically speaking, I won't improve - in part because I've set   
   it up that way, sabotaged myself with a defeatist attitude and refusal to try.   
   I'm just not a good    
   person, I'm sick of having a personality disorder, I'm sick of treatments not   
   working. I've tried DBT. It helped.... but then it stopped helping because I   
   don't care enough to improve myself. I know most of my friends will survive   
   without me. There's one    
   who's also suicidal but he's still trying. I don't think he'd want to make a   
   pact with me. He's still convinced I can get better. And I could, maybe, I   
   just don't want to, because I always get worse and I've set it up so that   
   everything goes to shit when    
   just one little thing goes wrong. I guess. It's hard to explain. I guess I   
   could say I'm giving natural selection a hand.    
   >    
   > But I'm fucking terrified. Will it hurt? What if I try the OD and drown   
   method and I wake up at the bottom of the river? What if hell is real and I   
   end up there, and it's something even worse than what I could imagine because   
   it can bend the nature of    
   reality itself (I'm not even religious!)? What if I really don't want to die   
   and just want attention? What if I back out? What if it's too late for me to   
   change my mind? What if I live? And beyond all the what ifs the concept of   
   ending your own life in    
   and of itself is scary to me because of how taboo it is. I've thought about   
   having a partner, but the only one I'd want to be with is still trying to   
   live. And I really hope he does, because he could make this world a better   
   place. I just can't. And if    
   he decides not to, I'd be too selfish to not make a pact with him if he were   
   willing, and honestly I'm surprised he still wants to be friends with me as   
   I've given him a lot of grief... Anyway.    
   >    
   > I do have a method, though. Well, a few I'm debating between. Gunshot wound   
   to the head, lying on the train tracks, and the third one, which is my most   
   well-thought out. I'd drive off somewhere where hopefully no one would find me   
   for awhile. I'd have    
   a mini grill or pan or something to set my charcoal on (not sure what I'd   
   use), burn that briefly, then set it in the car. Overdose on pills and alcohol   
   (whatever I can get, honestly, but probably vodka because it gets me really   
   drunk). If I do this    
   before the weather warms up, we can add hypothermia to the mix, I'll pour some   
   ice water on myself or something, hopefully get knocked out by the drugs, and   
   either die of CO poisoning or hypothermia, whichever comes first. Probably   
   there's a million    
   things wrong with it, but it's the same painless-and-combining-methods idea as   
   helium bag while wearing weights - just without that image of waking up at the   
   bottom of the river. Of course, I still keep thinking, what if something goes   
   wrong, what if    
   what if. Which makes me wonder whether a gun wouldn't be a better idea after   
   all.    
   >    
   > I don't know. I feel like it's stupid to be scared and that being scared   
   makes it so I don't "count" as suicidal.   
      
   well being scared doesnt mean you are suicidal, it just means you arent to the   
   point that you desperately want to die, i think about death every waking   
   minute, it doesnt scare me, because i have absolutely no hope, you obviously   
   somewhere inside have    
   hope for things to get better. 9 times out of 10 a person attempting suicide   
   reconsiders it right at the last moment because of that survival mechanism. if   
   you feel there is some sort of hope besides death go for that, death will   
   always be waiting right    
   around the corner.   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)