From: persent@gmail.com   
      
   Megan wrote:   
   > On Sunday, January 11, 2015 at 2:31:40 AM UTC-5, mker...@gmail.com   
   > wrote:   
   >> I just stumbled upon here. I've been in and out of suicidality for a   
   >> long time. I know, logically speaking, I won't improve - in part   
   >> because I've set it up that way, sabotaged myself with a defeatist   
   >> attitude and refusal to try. I'm just not a good person, I'm sick of   
   >> having a personality disorder, I'm sick of treatments not working.   
   >> I've tried DBT. It helped.... but then it stopped helping because I   
   >> don't care enough to improve myself. I know most of my friends will   
   >> survive without me. There's one who's also suicidal but he's still   
   >> trying. I don't think he'd want to make a pact with me. He's still   
   >> convinced I can get better. And I could, maybe, I just don't want   
   >> to, because I always get worse and I've set it up so that everything   
   >> goes to shit when just one little thing goes wrong. I guess. It's   
   >> hard to explain. I guess I could say I'm giving natural selection a   
   >> hand.   
   >>   
   >> But I'm fucking terrified. Will it hurt? What if I try the OD and   
   >> drown method and I wake up at the bottom of the river? What if hell   
   >> is real and I end up there, and it's something even worse than what   
   >> I could imagine because it can bend the nature of reality itself   
   >> (I'm not even religious!)? What if I really don't want to die and   
   >> just want attention? What if I back out? What if it's too late for   
   >> me to change my mind? What if I live? And beyond all the what ifs   
   >> the concept of ending your own life in and of itself is scary to me   
   >> because of how taboo it is. I've thought about having a partner, but   
   >> the only one I'd want to be with is still trying to live. And I   
   >> really hope he does, because he could make this world a better   
   >> place. I just can't. And if he decides not to, I'd be too selfish to   
   >> not make a pact with him if he were willing, and honestly I'm   
   >> surprised he still wants to be friends with me as I've given him a   
   >> lot of grief... Anyway.   
   >>   
   >> I do have a method, though. Well, a few I'm debating between.   
   >> Gunshot wound to the head, lying on the train tracks, and the third   
   >> one, which is my most well-thought out. I'd drive off somewhere   
   >> where hopefully no one would find me for awhile. I'd have a mini   
   >> grill or pan or something to set my charcoal on (not sure what I'd   
   >> use), burn that briefly, then set it in the car. Overdose on pills   
   >> and alcohol (whatever I can get, honestly, but probably vodka   
   >> because it gets me really drunk). If I do this before the weather   
   >> warms up, we can add hypothermia to the mix, I'll pour some ice   
   >> water on myself or something, hopefully get knocked out by the   
   >> drugs, and either die of CO poisoning or hypothermia, whichever   
   >> comes first. Probably there's a million things wrong with it, but   
   >> it's the same painless-and-combining-methods idea as helium bag   
   >> while wearing weights - just without that image of waking up at the   
   >> bottom of the river. Of course, I still keep thinking, what if   
   >> something goes wrong, what if what if. Which makes me wonder whether   
   >> a gun wouldn't be a better idea after all.   
   >>   
   >> I don't know. I feel like it's stupid to be scared and that being   
   >> scared makes it so I don't "count" as suicidal.   
   >   
   > holy fucking SHIT. I LITERALLY could have written this myself. Except   
   > I am a BIT less scared at this point, but that whole first paragraph   
   > is SPOT ON. Shit. Here if you ever need to talk <3   
      
   see i told you it's not just you   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)