Yeah. I suppose I'm not. It's just so frustrating because I KNOW I need to be.   
   I'm a defeatist. I'm either going to die, or I'm going to stay stagnant and   
   wait hoping for an improvement that I know will NEVER happen. Hope is like   
   every other coping    
   mechanism out there: based totally in denial. And shit just keeps getting   
   worse; my binge eating is worse than before and getting worser, I'm gaining   
   weight and will continue to do so, I have absolutely no control over anything   
   that happens and I know I    
   should and the fact that I don't just points to my weak, defeatist attitude,   
   the kind of person who frankly shouldn't exist. And I'm emotionally abusive,   
   myself - manipulative, using people, losing interest in them when they no   
   longer have any "use." I    
   disgust myself. I feel evil and corrupt and like I should be eradicated. Fuck   
   sorry, venting.    
      
   And I know it will hurt others... I just have faith in most of the people who   
   care about me to be able to move past it, even if it changes their lives.   
   There's a part of me that doesn't care (my mom is an emotional abuser. But I'm   
   not doing this to spite    
   her, and I'd rather it didn't hurt her at all; it's just a peripheral concern,   
   collateral damage). There's one person I'm worried about, and frankly I don't   
   understand why he cares about me at all. but it seems no matter how aversive I   
   am he won't just    
   hate me that easily. I don't want him to kill himself. And I don't him to   
   blame himself for my death, which he almost certainly will. This combined with   
   my stupid cowardice/emotional unreadiness (at least at the wrong times; I've   
   been totally ready to    
   kill myself but only during times when I simply didn't have the means) is   
   what's keeping me going right now.    
      
   Also, to the Christian troll, shaming me for feeling suicidal is a great way   
   to stop me from feeling suicidal. Not.   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)