From: anna.gonzales.wpg@gmail.com   
      
   On Sunday, January 11, 2015 at 8:54:18 PM UTC-6, mker...@gmail.com wrote:   
   > Yeah. I suppose I'm not. It's just so frustrating because I KNOW I need to   
   be. I'm a defeatist. I'm either going to die, or I'm going to stay stagnant   
   and wait hoping for an improvement that I know will NEVER happen. Hope is like   
   every other coping    
   mechanism out there: based totally in denial. And shit just keeps getting   
   worse; my binge eating is worse than before and getting worser, I'm gaining   
   weight and will continue to do so, I have absolutely no control over anything   
   that happens and I know I    
   should and the fact that I don't just points to my weak, defeatist attitude,   
   the kind of person who frankly shouldn't exist. And I'm emotionally abusive,   
   myself - manipulative, using people, losing interest in them when they no   
   longer have any "use." I    
   disgust myself. I feel evil and corrupt and like I should be eradicated. Fuck   
   sorry, venting.    
   >    
   > And I know it will hurt others... I just have faith in most of the people   
   who care about me to be able to move past it, even if it changes their lives.   
   There's a part of me that doesn't care (my mom is an emotional abuser. But I'm   
   not doing this to    
   spite her, and I'd rather it didn't hurt her at all; it's just a peripheral   
   concern, collateral damage). There's one person I'm worried about, and frankly   
   I don't understand why he cares about me at all. but it seems no matter how   
   aversive I am he won't    
   just hate me that easily. I don't want him to kill himself. And I don't him to   
   blame himself for my death, which he almost certainly will. This combined with   
   my stupid cowardice/emotional unreadiness (at least at the wrong times; I've   
   been totally ready    
   to kill myself but only during times when I simply didn't have the means) is   
   what's keeping me going right now.    
   >    
   > Also, to the Christian troll, shaming me for feeling suicidal is a great way   
   to stop me from feeling suicidal. Not.   
      
   *Hugs   
   Sorry that life is beating you up. Don't worry about the venting, because this   
   board is full of people who are facing through their own wars. And they all   
   need a place to vent and share secrets. Heck, this board for a while was my   
   only form of therapy.     
   The fact that you admit that you have people in your life that care deeply   
   about you means that you aren't a bad person. Why else would they care? But no   
   matter how much we try, your loves ones will inevitable blames themselves for   
   your death. Because we    
   humans are a social creatures, so when someone does something like this.... it   
   feels like a sense of betrayal. Because they will always be thinking "If only   
   I did this.... or what did I miss".   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)