From: user5080@newsgrouper.org.invalid   
      
   dirge  posted:   
      
   > I want to die because I'm an absolute loser.   
   >   
   > At the age of 20, I have still never been able to find a job. Not even a   
   > minimum wage part-time job or an internship. Not even chain fast food   
   > stores want to hire me to flip burgers. I can't drive and I don't have a   
   > license because I'm too utterly horrified of getting behind the wheel of   
   > a car. I hardly passed high school and I'm sinking and drowning in   
   > college. Things I used to have a passion for, making collages, painting,   
   > writing, I can't focus on anymore. Not even the most banal of things as   
   > watching television.   
   >   
   > Severe depression is something I've struggled with almost my entire   
   > life. It's consumed my family and it began consuming me as a small   
   > child. School was a struggle because no one liked me; I was strange.   
   > Never talked to anybody except the other "weird" kids, never shut up   
   > about the things I liked, was slower to understand things, and so   
   > everyone made fun of me, belittled me, made me feel stupid. Kids used to   
   > come up to me and ask me to play with them, only for them to make fun of   
   > me and make me do humiliating things for their entertainment. Of course,   
   > I never thought twice and thought about the fact that everyone was just   
   > being mean. Social cues are not something that come naturally to me.   
   >   
   > When I finally made some "friends" in middle and high school I felt   
   > actually cared about me, it all came crashing down when I realized they,   
   > too, had been making fun of me and bullying me the entire time we were   
   > friends. They made group chats specifically to exclude me, were friends   
   > with the people who outwardly hated me, and made sure I knew they   
   > thought I was stupid. I blew up on all of them and haven't talked to   
   > them since. That's a common pattern in my friendships. I always ruin   
   > them and I always push everyone away.   
   >   
   > I push them all away mainly because I just can't feel connection to   
   > another human being. Absolutely nothing, no matter how close I feel to   
   > them (and I feel so selfish saying this because I have a partner of 3   
   > years and a lot of friends now), I just can't seem to have the   
   > connection with them that they have with others. I can't feel that   
   > little thing between me and another human being. They just elude me.   
   > They elude me with how they want to live, how they aren't suffering all   
   > the time, how they aren't aware of the awfulness of the world.   
   >   
   > Growing up, I knew everyone had a best friend, and I spent my entire   
   > childhood searching for a best friend. Each one I had turned out to   
   > secretly hate me, only hanging out with me because a) I was useful to   
   > them, b) their parents made them, c) they could make fun of me with   
   > their real friends, or d) all of the above. It seemed like everyone had   
   > a best friend except me. When I'd find someone I considered a "best   
   > friend" I always got my heart and soul broken finding out they never   
   > considered me their best friend, that they already had one. I wish I had   
   > one person I could just tell everything to without any fear of judgment   
   > (who's not a therapist, kind of sad to be friends with your therapist).   
   > The closest I have is my partner, who I love very much and feel very   
   > comfortable to, but something in me still keeps myself guarded.   
   >   
   > Despite the past year being so good for me (making a lot of progress in   
   > therapy, starting antidepressants for the first time, building my   
   > relationships with others, etc.) it's all come crashing down. I feel   
   > like I'm at rock bottom again. A few weeks ago I got SA'd by a man in my   
   > town, but I didn't remember it at all until last week. I was inebriated,   
   > of my own accord, and assaulted while out. The memory only came back to   
   > me when something triggered a flashback of the memory, and my entire   
   > world has come crashing down. Didn't help that I was off my meds for   
   > several weeks when it happened, and I was very likely in a depressed,   
   > dissociative haze as well, which could be another contributing factor to   
   > my late recall. I'd never judge another person EVER for being assaulted;   
   > I don't believe ANYONE deserves that. But I cannot stop judging MYSELF.   
   > I feel disgusting. I feel horrible because I didn't fight back, I didn't   
   > run, and I feel like I betrayed my partner even though they've reassured   
   > me a million times over, like everyone else, that it's not my fault. But   
   > I still feel shame and guilt and disgust for myself. I haven't been able   
   > to eat much of anything the past week. Everything I put in my mouth   
   > makes me want to puke because it feels like that guy's dick. Haven't   
   > been able to sleep much at night, and during the day all I want to do is   
   > sleep. The suicidal thoughts have come back after so long of not having   
   > them due to my medications.   
   >   
   > I don't think I'm meant to be happy. Any time there's a period of   
   > happiness in my life, it always seems to be ripped away from under my   
   > feet, and I remember how miserable I am and how miserable life is. It's   
   > just constant suffering, constantly having to do things I don't want to   
   > do (i.e. participate in the fascist/capitalist hellscape that is America   
   > right now, having to do college to get a job, etc.), and constantly   
   > being misunderstood or made fun of. No one takes me seriously. When I   
   > walk into a room I know everyone is looking at me, thinking about me   
   > (how weird I look/walk/talk/am), and judging me. I know what they think   
   > about me; it's not hard to tell. I keep to myself and don't speak until   
   > spoken to (for the most part) because I am acutely aware of how   
   > obnoxious people find me. I can't seem to shut up about stupid, mundane   
   > things. I'm a writer (working on a short story, a novel, and a   
   > screenplay) but I'm likely to never get my work published. My dream   
   > would be to be a full-time writer, working and living alone, but my work   
   > isn't nearly good enough to be published. I'll likely never see the   
   > light of day because I'm too scared to even post my work online for fear   
   > I'll be made fun of and bullied for how awful it is. Or that someone   
   > hates it so much they doxx me or stalk me.   
   >   
   > So yes, this is an exhaustive list of (not even all) the reasons I want   
   > to die. TLDR; no one would give a shit if I died because I'm an absolute   
   > loser who's incapable of doing basic adult things, including making and   
   > keeping friends. I'm a shit writer who's never going to get published   
   > and no one is ever going to care to see my artwork because it's shit too.   
   >   
   Nigga did you really expect me to read all that shit by you?   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)