From: jude1013@hotmail.co.uk   
      
   Title: We Are Nowhere and It's Now   
   Author: Jude Tennison   
   Category: Vignette   
   Rating: PG   
   Spoiler: En Ami post-ep   
   Summary: His voice lowered and Scully saw his adams apple bob in his throat   
   before he continued. "Just like you know that I'm aware of why you really   
   went."   
   Disclaimer: All characters are not mine which is damn unfortunate....   
   Archive: Anywhere but please ask first   
   Author's comment: at the end. Plus I'd like to thank my beta for giving me   
   the courage and advice   
   for doing this! You know who you are - thanks a bunch!   
   Email me: Jude1013@hotmail.co.uk   
      
      
   The journey back to Mulder's apartment was an awkward one. The hurt and   
   confusion that had consumed them both, had disolved somewhat as together   
   they returned to the Smoking Man's office. But despite a multitude of things   
   needed to be said, an eerie silence had soon settled over them, and before   
   long Scully had found herself sitting in the passenger seat, simply gazing   
   out of the car window.   
      
   Her loud sighs seemed to echo around them, and despite her best intentions,   
   only gained in momentum the further they drove. Mulder had tried to appear   
   impassive beside her, but every so often she could feel him twitching. It   
   only stopped when the car was put in park.   
      
   Opening the door, Mulder allowed Scully in first before following behind   
   her, deliberately taking long slow strides. He paused in the archway to the   
   front room and silently watched as Scully gathered her discarded purse and   
   keys.   
      
   "Do you want a ride home?" Mulder asked quietly, careful not to catch her   
   eye.   
      
   "Don't," she said, straightening to glare at him.  "Don't act like this is a   
   big betrayal, when you've done much worse to me."   
      
   He stared at her then, his lips moving yet unable to speak. His arms had   
   taken up the same postion as earlier, one on either side of the door frame,   
   appearing to hold him up.   
      
   "I never ditched you, in order to hurt you - only to stop you from getting   
   caught up in all my mess."   
      
   "I can't believe you just-" Scully shook her head and promptly shut her   
   mouth. She looked down at the bag in her hand and shoved her phone in.   
      
   "You know that's not what I meant."   
      
   "Do I?"   
      
   "Yes. You do...." His voice lowered and Scully saw his adams apple bob in   
   his throat before he continued. "Just like you know that I'm aware of why   
   you really went."   
      
   His glare was unbearable and she peered down at the floor; anything to   
   prevent her from facing this right now. "Well, if you know me so well, why   
   are we bothering to have this conversation?"   
      
   "Because sooner or later we've got to talk about what happened." His words   
   made her pause and glance up. "What's wrong with now?"   
      
   "What's wrong with now, is you're angry at me, and I'm angry at you. And if   
   we continue to talk about this, I'm only going to say things that I'll   
   regret."   
      
   "Then go." He whispered. "Just so long as you know that it was your decision   
   to leave, not mine."   
      
   Scully forced herself to move towards the door, not daring to look him in   
   the eye as she brushed by.   
      
   Mulder held his breath, his legs rooted to the spot until he heard her   
   leave. He turned to the door, ready to slam it shut when he noticed that   
   she'd paused in the corridor, her back still to him. He lent against the   
   frame, not knowing what to say; somehow waiting for a reaction.   
      
   She felt like it was happening again. Only this time he wasn't running after   
   her, begging her to stay... Images and sensations overtook her and Scully   
   gently closed her eyes. She could feel his hands upon her neck, hear their   
   heartbeats, sense his fear. Most of all she could see that look in his eyes.   
   She saw it again when he brought her back to life. 'Breathe....Breathe'. The   
   words echoed within her head and she almost gasped out loud.   
      
   "Say what you have to say."   
      
   Her words were so soft, Mulder almost believed he'd dreamt them. He stared   
   at the back of her head as she remained grounded, right hand gently touching   
   the wall. Her body shook slightly, either through anger or fear, he wasn't   
   sure which. And now she'd asked him to voice the words he'd been longing to   
   say since she'd got back. And all he could do was stare at her.   
      
   "Not here..." He said, clearing his throat.   
      
   Scully turned round to face him. She saw him swallow the lump in his throat   
   again and slowly walked back into his apartment without saying a word.   
      
   Mulder shut the door behind them and watched as she rotated before him.   
      
   "I know you left because he offered you a cure." He said, eyes now seeking   
   hers. "The chance to cure other people from a horrible disease... one that   
   you yourself suffered from. Maybe you thought it would help - to help others   
   would help ease your pain."   
      
   "Mulder..." Her whisper surprised him and he stopped, waiting for her to   
   continue.   
      
   "Or maybe you held just a glimmer of hope," He added when she didn't. "Hope   
   in finding a cure for the one thing you needed..." Tears stung at her eyes.   
   He watched as she blinked them back, silent still. "I need to know..."   
      
   Scully nodded as the tears fell; full streams that she hadn't wanted to   
   escape and she brushed them away with the back of her hand. "I was angry   
   with him, at first..." She sniffled a bit, then as if her energy had finally   
   been exhausted, she took a few steps back and sat down on Mulder's couch.   
   She wiped at her face some more before she continued. "He gave me a disease   
   only to cure me... Only he took away the one thing I never knew I wanted   
   until it was too late." Her eyes found his as her voice dwindled out;   
   wincing as an attempt to swallow the lump in her throat only made it burn.   
      
   "You're right," She said after a moment of silence. "Part of me did go   
   because I wanted to know if there was a cure for all the things he's   
   done..."   
      
   Mulder shifted, slowly moving round to lean back on the wall opposite. "And   
   the other part?"   
      
   Scully sighed. "The other part needed me to let go of all this. To let go of   
   all this pain and anger... I needed to move pass this and I didn't know how.   
   And when he came to me and suggested a trip...." She shook her head, almost   
   disbelieving herself.   
      
   They remained silent for a moment. Scully wiping at her eyes, then rubbing   
   her hands dry; Mulder watching her as though he couldn't tear his eyes away.   
      
   Finally his courage returned.   
      
   "You told Skinner to tell me you were fine. You wouldn't have said that if   
   you weren't scared." It was more of a question than a statement, but he   
   hadn't known how to ask.   
   Her eyes met his and he watched as realisation dawned upon her face.   
      
   "I wasn't to tell you - that was part of the deal," Scully said, her voice   
   now steady and even; eyes briefly looking away. "But I... " She glanced   
   back, "I needed you.... To be there; to save me... Not from him, but from   
   myself. Even if he could cure me, which by then I'd realised that he   
   couldn't, I knew that it was never going to be enough."   
      
   Mulder's mouth opened and closed momentarily. The thoughts in his head   
   unable to form words, he gave up and gradually allowed his body to slide   
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)