From: dana_scully_mulders_protege@hotmail.com   
      
   Title: I'll Go Wherever You Will Go   
      
   Author: FoxsDana   
      
   Email: dana_scully_mulders_protégé@hotmail.com   
      
   Rating: PG   
      
   Category/key words: Mulder/Scully relationship. Mulder POV/Angst   
      
   Spoilers: "Requiem" and "Nothing Important Happened Today"(if any)   
      
   Dedication: To all the shipper and X-Files fans out there both   
   present and future. To my friend Arls for reading this and giving me   
   feedback. To the group, The Calling for making a WONDERFUL song   
   called "I'll Go Wherever You Will Go". It was the main inspiration   
   for this particular fic. To my husband who is the real "Mulder" in   
   my life. And to David Duchovny who's acting talent created a   
   beautiful and memorable character named Fox Mulder.   
      
   Summary: Fox Mulder has made the ultimate choice to leave Scully and   
   their son William to keep them safe. Now as he sits alone he ponders   
   if he made the right decision.   
      
   Feedback: Please….I love it!   
      
   Archive: Sure, just let me know where it's going!   
      
   Disclaimer: The characters of the X-Files do not belong to me but   
   are the property of Chris Carter, 20th Century Fox and 1013   
   Productions. Any similarities to the names or places of the   
   fictional aspects of this story are purely coincidental.   
      
      
   Chapter One   
      
      
      
      
   Sitting in a corner, I stare at the floor with my legs curled around   
   me. The hard floor is the same thing as I am: cold and unfeeling.  I   
   almost feel like I am in a prison cell but this is a prison I've   
   created on my own. This was my choice.  At the time, I thought it   
   was the obvious one but now as I sit here alone, I begin to wonder   
   if it was.  I keep telling myself over and over again that I did   
   this to save her, to save them.  If that's true then why am I   
   starting to doubt it? I've always been one to "go against the grain"   
   so to speak. To want to know more than I was being told.  And where   
   has it gotten me? It's made me live in a world of paranoia, where I   
   jump at every shadow wondering if it's someone to kill me.  What   
   kind of life is that? It's not the kind of life I ever wanted to   
   expose her to.  And yet….now I have doomed her with it.   
      
   A plate of food is set in front of me but I don't touch it.  I feel   
   empty but it's not something that food can satisfy. The emptiness I   
   feel is from a longing yes but not associated with hunger. It's a   
   need for companionship, comfort and reassurance.  She has always   
   been there to give that to me and now she isn't. They say that   
   sometimes you don't realize how much you love something until you   
   can't have it around you anymore. I never used to believe that   
   because I never had a reason to being always alone.  But now after   
   sharing those special nights and mornings with her, I do. I never   
   actually told her that I loved her. I never needed to speak it, she   
   just knew.  She could always see it in my eyes, feel it in my   
   touches, and hear it when I whispered.  Oh god, why didn't I tell   
   her now? Now, I may never get that chance again.   
      
   Raising my head I can see a group of figures standing in front of   
   me.  Some of them are standing with their arms crossed while others   
   are pointing their fingers at me.  They are figures from my past,   
   whose deaths were my doing.  They were all victims of this damn   
   quest of mine! I and my selfishness and foolishness determined their   
   lives.  She had always been there to make them disappear but now she   
   isn't. And now my nightmares have returned as well.  I lower my head   
   and place it between my knees as I close my eyes tightly. I don't   
   want to see them anymore. Please make them go away! Don't remind me   
   of that part of my past that I want to leave behind!   
      
   My thoughts then turn to her. I see her in my mind looking at me   
   with that smile that can brighten any cloudy day. A smile that I   
   looked forward to seeing every morning for seven years in our   
   office. Her smile could lighten up any room and make my somber moods   
   go away. And that laugh and giggle that were two aspects of her that   
   I was able to see more of our last year of working together. I only   
   wish now that I could have seen them much sooner than that. But I   
   was afraid to let her in.  And now I would trade every X-File, this   
   truth I've been seeking, everything, to be able to go back those   
   years so that I could open my heart to her.  I remember people   
   telling me that you shouldn't waste a minute of your life because   
   you never know what might happen from one day to the next. How many   
   times did I ignore that? We both faced danger every day in our job   
   and yet I would say don't worry there's always tomorrow to tell her   
   how I feel.  And then just before I did, doubt would settle in. Why   
   would she be interested in ole "Spooky" Mulder anyway? She doesn't   
   deserve a loser like me. And then came that night that changed   
   everything. When she made her choice to be with me. She chose ME,   
   Fox "Spooky" Mulder! I remember that night like it was yesterday. I   
   remember every caress, every kiss, every whisper we shared. And just   
   when I thought my world was finally improving for the better…I was   
   taken away from her.   
      
   I clench my fists as I think of how I missed out on so much then. I   
   wasn't there when she found out she was pregnant with William.  I   
   wasn't there to comfort as she went through her uncertainties with   
   the pregnancy. I wasn't there to rub her feet or her belly when she   
   needed it.  I wasn't there to protect her from harm or let her cry   
   on my shoulder. I couldn't caress her hair and tell her that   
   everything was going to be all right. And I wasn't even there when   
   he was born. Wasn't there to hold her hand as she delivered our son.   
   Or kiss her on the cheek telling her how proud I was of her. She is   
   such a remarkable woman and is my lover and my best friend. And now   
   I've left her alone to raise our son. What kind of father am I? Or   
   lover for that matter?   
      
   William….   
      
   Sweet, little, William. Our miracle and the result of our bond to   
   one another. Our chance to possibly start a new life. The child that   
   she had hoped for so badly.  I have only held him briefly but his   
   eyes still haunt me. He has her eyes.  I can still feel his tiny   
   body in my arms. Can touch his tiny little hands and fingers.  I can   
   even hear his cry in the night before I left. Could he have possibly   
   been crying because of my leaving? Had we truly bonded in that brief   
   moment? Would he know me if we ever met again? If something happened   
   to me would he ever be told about me? Ah yes, William your father   
   was Fox William Mulder who chased little green men with a gun and a   
   badge and rambled on about conspiracies.  He died trying to find a   
   truth that has killed others due to his selfishness. What a legacy I   
   would leave behind for my son. He would learn to dislike me as I did   
   my own father.  And who knows? Perhaps this truth I am seeking will   
   result in my son taking the place beside my father in the afterlife.   
   No, I can't think that. I have to stay strong.   
      
   Scully…   
      
   Oh god how I miss you now. I miss waking up next to you. Smelling   
   that wonderful scent coming from you and feeling your soft skin. And   
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)