From: susanf34@comcast.net   
      
   *NO ARCHIVE*   
      
      
      
   ~All headers, disclaimers, author's notes, etc. can be   
   found in part one. susanf34@comcast.net   
      
      
   Liquescent (2/3)   
   by Susan   
   ~~~~~~   
      
   9:30 am   
      
      
   I hated feeling so scared and uncertain.  I hated not   
   being able to keep my emotions under control, and I   
   hated that I needed to hold onto Scully this way.   
      
   But most of all, I hated myself for allowing myself to   
   be so vulnerable.   
      
   After all, I've always been the strong one.   
      
   The guy who's lived through black oil, burning boxcars,   
   gunshot wounds, and being attacked by a beast-woman. The   
   guy who's been cut, slimed, cocooned by killer bugs, and   
   almost eaten by an alligator.   
      
   The go-to guy.   
      
   The guy who will fight for what's right no matter how   
   much it costs him.   
      
   Yeah, that's me alright.  Mr. Strong Man.   
      
   So how come I can't seem to unwrap my arms from around my   
   partner's waist?   
      
   "I'm scared too," whispered Scully, kissing the top of my   
   head, then resting her chin there the same way I had done   
   with her before.  "But you can fight this, Mulder...and   
   you can win."   
      
   I remembered saying almost the exact same words to myself   
   a few days ago when I first told her about the cancer.   
      
   Now I just had to convince myself that it could be done.   
      
   ~~~~   
      
   11:30 am   
      
      
   After the intensity of emotions we shared earlier, the   
   rest of the morning was easier.  Since we didn't have   
   any current cases to work on, it gave us time to get   
   some unfinished paperwork in order and some things   
   organized in the back room of the office.   
      
   "Now why would you keep something like this, Mulder?   
   It has absolutely nothing to do with any of these   
   x-files," she said, holding up a small rock she'd   
   found in one of the drawers.   
      
   "I beg to differ, Scully.  This is a very special   
   rock," I said, taking it from her hand and holding   
   it up to the light.   
      
   "Oh, and why is that?" she asked, her right eyebrow   
   raising.   
      
   "Don't you recognize it?"   
      
   "Should I?"   
      
   "It's from our first case in Oregon," I replied, running   
   my thumb across its rough surface. "I wanted to remember   
   what I saw that night out in the woods with Billy Miles   
   so I picked it up off the ground and stuffed it in my   
   jacket pocket."   
      
   She looked at me, her eyes remembering too, then she took   
   it out of my hand and ran her thumb across it just like   
   I had done.   
      
   "Then I guess it *is* a special rock," she said quietly.   
   "Maybe we should put it somewhere where we can see it   
   instead of sticking it back in the drawer," she suggested,   
   looking around the room for a more suitable place.   
      
   Walking behind my desk, she set it down on top of the   
   file cabinet, the place where all our case files were,   
   the place that chronicled the past four years of our   
   lives.   
      
   "I think this is a good spot for it, don't you?" she   
   asked, her eyes crinkling around the edges as a smile   
   crossed her face.   
      
   Lightly brushing my fingers over the back of her hand,   
   I replied, "I think it's perfect."   
      
   ~~~~   
      
   Dr. Madison's office   
   2:05 pm   
      
      
   Another doctor's office.  A radiation oncologist this   
   time.   
      
   It was his job, along with the chemo-therapist and Dr.   
   Jensen to determine the best treatment plan for my cancer,   
   and then explain it to me.   
      
   According to the size, shape, and location of my tumor,   
   the portal they would mainly be focusing on was the upper   
   part of my nasopharynx.   
      
   Starting tomorrow for the next two weeks, I would follow   
   a schedule of five days of radiation treatment, two days   
   off.  During that same two-week period, I would also be   
   receiving chemotherapy intravenously, once every four days.   
      
   "Do you have any questions about what we've explained   
   to you, Mr. Mulder?" asked Dr. Madison, looking at me   
   with the same expression he probably had on his face   
   when he asked all his other cancer patients the same   
   question.   
      
   Yeah doc, I have a question.   
      
   When can I have my life back?   
      
   ~~~~   
      
   3:15 pm   
      
      
   "You were awfully quiet before, Mulder," said Scully,   
   looking over at me as she turned onto my street.  "Are   
   you sure you understood everything the doctors explained   
   to you?  You know what's going to happen tomorrow during   
   your first radiation treatment?"   
      
   Unfortunately, I understood every word of it. That doesn't   
   mean I accepted it though.   
      
   "I'm just trying to process it all, you know," I quietly   
   answered, tapping my fingers on the edge of the window.   
      
   "I know.  It's a lot to take in, but I have faith that   
   you'll be strong enough to get through it."  She pulled   
   up along the curb in front of my building and stopped   
   the car.  "Want me to come up with you for awhile?"   
      
   As much as I enjoyed being with her, as much as I drew   
   strength from her, I really needed to be by myself for   
   awhile.  "I think I'd like to be alone right now, Scully,"   
   I replied, looking down at my feet instead of at her.   
      
   "I understand," she said reassuringly although I could   
   tell by the tone of her voice that she was disappointed.   
      
   "I'll call you later though...if that's alright," I said,   
   my fingers fumbling with the door handle.   
      
   In my old life, my pre-cancer days, we always shared a   
   certain degree of awkwardness when it came to talking   
   about personal things, but now things seemed even more   
   awkward between us.   
      
   We were close, and yet we weren't.  We were restrained,   
   and yet we weren't.  We were more than partners, and   
   yet we weren't.   
      
   We'd let each other in, and then we'd close the door,   
   which is what I was doing with her right now.   
      
   But how can I leave the door to my feelings open when   
   I don't even know what they are?   
      
   Touching her cheek, her soft smooth cheek, I looked at   
   her one last time, opened the door, and said, "It's just   
   too hard to be with you right now, Scully."   
      
   Then before she could say anything or try to stop me, I   
   quickly climbed out of the car and hurried up the steps   
   to my apartment building.   
      
   And I didn't look back.   
      
   ~~~~   
      
   Mulder's apartment   
   4:41 pm   
      
      
   Dry mouth. Hair loss. Headaches. Fatigue. Nausea. Loss   
   of taste.   
      
   Those were the side effects I could possibly experience   
   once I started radiation.  I've actually dealt with most   
   of them before at one time or another, but I've never   
   had to worry about losing my hair before.   
      
   Though Dr. Madison told me that hair loss wasn't one of   
   the more common side effects with radiation, I still   
   couldn't help wondering if I would be the exception to   
   the rule.   
      
   Would there be more hair on my brush when I combed my   
   hair in the morning? Would the drain at the bottom of my   
   shower be filled with hair every time I took a shower?   
      
   And what would Scully think of me, my hair thinning or   
   maybe even coming out in clumps?   
      
   No, I didn't want to think about it, and besides I   
   probably wouldn't really start losing any hair anyway   
   until I started the chemotherapy in another four days.   
      
   But once I did start it, would I have to buy a wig or   
   would it be easier just to have my whole head shaved?   
      
   Walking into the bathroom, I looked at myself in the   
   mirror and tried to imagine what I would look like   
   as a bald man in his 30's.  Michael Jordan was bald   
   and in his 30's, and look at how people treated him.   
      
   Then again, he was bald because he wanted to be, not   
   because he had to be.   
      
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
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