From: theidiosyncraticstanwyck@yahoo.com   
      
   Title: Spectrum   
   Author: the idiosyncratic stanwyck   
   Email: theidiosyncraticstanwyck@yahoo.com   
   Category/Keywords: AU, MSR, A   
   Rating: PG-13   
   Summary: A woman meets a man who opens her eyes to a vast,   
   unexpected spectrum of beautiful, terrifying possibilities.   
   Note: Apparently my angstometer is a bit off, as some of you   
   have suggested that my promise of "not too much" angst was,   
   perhaps, a tad optimistic. So beware: Tears! Heartbreak!   
   Bad stuff! This section is angstolicious (but the rest   
   won't make sense if you skip it).   
      
   Chapter 17: Lilac   
      
   "Lilacs,   
   False blue,   
   White,   
   Purple,   
   Color of lilac."   
   -Amy Lowell   
      
   **   
      
   Scully clung to the glimmer of hope that she and Mulder   
   might be making some tiny bit of progress toward repairing   
   their friendship. She had no such illusions about the   
   positive nature of her relationship with her daughter.   
      
   It had started, really, with Mulder's forced, abrupt   
   departure from their lives, and had grown dramatically   
   worse in the last few weeks. Chloe wouldn't laugh, wouldn't   
   talk with Dana, and had made it perfectly clear that she   
   had absolutely no intention of telling her mother what was   
   bothering her. It wounded Scully's soul to see Chloe   
   building walls and to know that she had learned the skill   
   from her.   
      
   Despite her resolute silence, Thursday night found Scully   
   perched on her daughter's bedside, carrying out the nightly   
   ritual of tucking her in.   
      
   Dana leaned forward to brush a lock of hair from Chloe's   
   eye and whispered a kiss across her cheek. "I'll pick you   
   up from Tina's around 6:30 tomorrow," she said, her heart   
   struggling to beat in spite of the knot of fear borne of   
   her daughter's continued silent rejection.   
      
   "I don't want to go to Tina's. I want to go see Grandma."   
      
   The defiant pull of Chloe's mouth almost masked the scared   
   tremor in her voice. Sighing, Dana continued stroking her   
   hair.   
      
   "Baby, we've had this discussion. No children are allowed   
   on Grandma's floor."   
      
   Chloe turned her head, fixing Scully with a glare. "How do   
   I know you're telling the truth?"   
      
   Scully blinked in surprise. "Of course I'm telling the   
   truth, honey. Why on earth would I lie to you?"   
      
   "Because you think you need to protect me. You always treat   
   me like I'm some stupid little kid. And kids can go to the   
   hospital - Tina went when her brother was born, and we were   
   only ten," Chloe finished triumphantly, tears welling in   
   her eyes.   
      
   "Chloe -" Dana paused, gathering her strength and her   
   patience. "I do try to protect you, because I love you   
   very, very much and I don't want anything in this world or   
   outside it to ever hurt you. I know that you're growing up,   
   and I can't always keep you from hurting, but I will always   
   try, and I will always be honest with you. I know you're   
   worried about Grandma, but she's getting stronger every   
   day. But even though she's much better, she's in a special   
   cardiac unit where the doctors and nurses don't allow   
   anyone under sixteen to go. As soon as she's settled in at   
   home this weekend I'll take you to visit, okay?"   
      
   Chloe said nothing, but rolled onto her side to face away   
   from Dana. Scully placed a firm hand on her shoulder.   
   "Okay, Chloe?"   
      
   "You're lying," Chloe whispered.   
      
   "Chloe, why would you even think that?" Dana tugged at   
   Chloe's thin shoulder but the girl jerked away. "I am your   
   mother - I would never lie to you!"   
      
   Chloe sat bolt upright, her palms braced against the   
   mattress. Her face contorted with tearful rage and her   
   words escaped on a shout: "You are NOT my mother! My mother   
   is dead!"   
      
   Numbly, Scully felt her lungs working to pump oxygen   
   through her body, her heart hammering as her pulse raced,   
   but she could do nothing to stem the tears pricking hotly   
   at her eyes and clogging her throat.   
      
   "I know," she began, trying to control the tremor in her   
   voice, "that you're worried about Grandma, and still angry   
   with me about Mulder, but -"   
      
   "You lied to me about my father," Chloe interrupted,   
   angrily dashing away tears. "You told me he was dead - You   
   made me believe it!"   
      
   Dread welled up in Scully's stomach, tingling along her   
   nerve endings and blossoming at the base of her spine in a   
   clenching spasm. She had feared the arrival of this moment   
   for seven years, and despite her mother's assurances that   
   it need never come, Scully had sensed its inevitability.   
   The room seemed to tilt, and instead of loving, concerned   
   mother, Scully knew that she had become the accused   
   standing trial.   
      
   From beneath her pillow, Chloe produced a lilac envelope.   
   The return addressee was Karl Hemlin in Castle Falls,   
   Texas. When Dana reached for the paper, Chloe jerked it   
   behind her back. "This came yesterday - I got the mail,   
   remember?" Chloe's expression was poisonous. "My dad wrote   
   me a letter. He says he misses me and wants to get to know   
   me, and you told me he was dead!"   
      
   Dana had given up on remaining strong and allowed her tears   
   to flow freely. Words she had mentally rehearsed for years   
   tasted like gall on her tongue. "Yes, Chloe, I told you   
   that, but it was not my decision. You may not remember, but   
   Melissa told you the same thing, for many reasons. I have   
   hated deceiving you, but I've respected her wishes -"   
      
   "Don't say that about my mother!" Chloe shouted, backing up   
   against the headboard as if Scully's touch might infect   
   her. "You're the liar! You've lied to me my whole life   
   about my father so I would love you the most, because you   
   can't have any kids of your own. You won't let me see   
   Mulder, and you won't tell me that Grandma's dying, but you   
   can't keep me from talking to my father!"   
      
   Desperate for contact, Dana squeezed Chloe's foot. "Baby,   
   please - I promise that your grandmother is getting well.   
   You have every right to be upset, but if you'll just let me   
   explain -"   
      
   "I don't care what you say - you're a liar." Chloe kicked   
   Scully's hand away. "Go away. Leave me alone."  Her voice   
   was even, wary.  She flopped down on her stomach and pulled   
   the covers over her.   
      
   "Chloe -"   
      
   She bit back a sob and spoke softly. "Go away. I hate you."   
   Gathering strength, as if trying to convince herself, she   
   repeated more boldly, "I hate you."   
      
   Biting her lip painfully to suppress her own sobs, Scully   
   backed unsteadily toward the open door. She wanted nothing   
   more than to stay and make her daughter understand, but she   
   knew that attempting to do so now would only make Chloe   
   angrier and likely achieve the exact opposite of what Dana   
   wanted to do.  "We'll talk about this in the morning," she   
   promised hoarsely, closing the door behind her.   
      
   As her own defenses crumbled and the bottom dropped out of   
   her self-possession, she slid to the carpet.  Ear pressed   
   against the door, she listened to her daughter's sobs, each   
   reverberating through her soul as she shook soundlessly,   
   smarting from the wound of Chloe's distrust and grieving   
   for the little girl's grief.   
      
   **   
      
   The morning sun crept across the kitchen floor in an ever-   
   widening pool, as if someone had upended a carton of liquid   
   light that, once released, could only spread inexorably. It   
      
   [continued in next message]   
      
   --- SoupGate-Win32 v1.05   
    * Origin: you cannot sedate... all the things you hate (1:229/2)